Top 10 Stupidest Comments

[Tamuril]

From a counselor: "How old were you when you first remembered this sexual activity?"

Me: "I've always remembered it.

How could I have survived if I didn't know it was gonna happen again?"

counselor: "Yes, but how old were you when you first remembered that it happened?"

Well, it's weird the counselor would ask you again, but I totally blocked out the memory, so I can see why you would get asked that.

[mad_madam_mimi]

I was reading about Virgina Woolf's sexual abuse by her two half-brothers, that she was very open about and described in some detail. People's responses to these actions, as always, made me so angry. The decendants of these men have tried, as usual, to discount the severity or fact of her accounts, despite the fact that they are confirmed by her sister. They say things like (not an exact quote), "we have letters from her to her brothers calling them pet names and inviting them to dinner. Would she be so close to them if they had really done the things she claims?". They also use her mental problems, obviously symptoms of her childhood traumas, against her. Again, this is typical. The CSA made her "crazy", so now anything she says is a lie...

These people obviously know nothing about CSA. Or worse, they do, because their arguments are just like those of perpetrators.

Other people claim that decribing how the CSA impacted her life and work makes her a "victim". Because she was a "strong person', obviously the abuse couldn't have impacted her or her creative abilities. Idiots.

Edited October 13, 2006 by mad_madam_mimi

[one silent feather]

This is another good one, "Why do you keep torturing yourself"?

Like i have a choice #@!&

Edited October 24, 2006 by one silent feather

[Josie]

So I am new to this and this is my first post. I am easing into this but as I read the comments others have received I could not help but remember some of the different comments I have gotten over the years.

The first is from my best friend at the time - who is now not part of my life - she liked the guy and so dismissed everything I said and then told everyone we knew that I was a slut.

Next a male friend of mine who when I first started trying to deal with my assault as opposed to repressing it 10 years after it happened initially said "you are so much more than that" and then a few months later "why don't you just go get laid?" VERY supportive!

Then when I finally got up the nerve to try therapy a friend of mine who was also in therapy proceeded to tell me that what she was dealing with was worse than me when I got up the nerve to talk about how upset I had been after my first session.

I have also had friends continue on as if I have not said anything - one would think that this is at least worthy of a reaction of some kind.

I have come to realize that people have different reactions to being told about rape or sexual assault, but most don't know what to say and that explains a lot of the stupid comments or straight out ignoring. Although it does not make these comments and reactions eaiser to deal with to know that.

I find that the stupid, hurtful comments seem to stay with me longer than the supportive ones.

Edited November 1, 2006 by Josie

[Shannon]

I find that the stupid, hurtful comments seem to stay with me longer than the supportive ones.

Ugh, I know! You can have 100 people tell you wonderful things, but that one person who is unsupportive outweighs everyone else. The human psyche is unfair that way.

[mcdevier]

Josie and Shannon, that statement rings true with me too! I can tell you EXACTLY what every single person I told, especially my best friends, said when I first told them I was raped. I'm still working on finding peace with some of those people who, unknowingly said really harmful things. It's too difficult to have to educate everyone all the time and not our job to do it. I've also decided to not continue friendships with people who don't deserve my time because of their unsupportive reactions.

Two of my all-time fave comments:

1. A mutual friend of mine and the rapist's didn't know "my side" of the story and had agreed to sit with me to listen. He then wrote me an email saying how "i'm definitely one of his closest friends, he's known me for so long, he'd LOVEEE to hear about what's going on in my life exceptttt for "this." so to please email/call him when i want to talk" (needless to say i wrote him a really choicely worded email! ha).

2. I reported the rape to my school, nothing really happened aside from the fact that i met with the (male) rapist twice with a (male) dean. The male dean, instead of telling the perp that what he did was rape, told me that "everyone is entitled to their own perspective & you and he are coming from diff backgrounds so you're seeing the same event through diff eyes" and then when talking about how the perp is a "bundled ball of emotions"(his quote) he said "i feel like i ahve to step in and 'defend my gender'...a women at age 14 will have spoken more about her emotions than a man in his lifetime" and finally he said, "you should thank the perp for sitting through these meetings with you. i have a feeling that he will be a better graduate of "my college" for this experience."

...um i think they should have been happy i didn't cut their balls off. ha.

[Guest kibblegoddess]

(KG visualizing bouncing Mcdevier's bonehead administrator's head off of suitably hard concrete)

Grrrr!

[miss_sunflower]

The only person I've ever spoken with about this was a friend I met online. He said, "well, we all have skeletons in our closets we deal with. You'll get over it."

I want to take one of his skeletons and shove it so far up his @$$ that he chokes.

[Mum24]

"How can you look at your children?" [two of my children are the silver lining of rape]

"Do you regret not having an abortion?"

"Do you worry that your son will be a rapist?" [wtf?]

"Why didn't you just say no?"

"You know, whether you were raped or not, if you had just not made a big deal about it, Mum and Dad probably wouldn't have kicked you out of the family."

"Didn't you think about what having a fourteen-year-old pregnant daughter would look like for Mum and Dad?"

"You should stop being so polite to people. It gives them the wrong idea."

AND

"You should stop being so distant. It makes men think you're playing hard to get."

[luckylilley]

when I finally told my friend what had happened later that day we went to walmart and he was looking at a pait of driving gloves he asked what I thought and I said they were creepy.....he turns and looks at me and saysthere rape gloves. he was just trying to be funny, and later he told me that he didnt even think about it in terms of what happened to me.......I havent told anyone else

also saying he didnt believe me at first....but now he does, whatevrer

[Allen]

When my mom told me that it was my duty to be her lover because I had killed my dad due to stress and so I had to be the man of the family just like my dad said and that was one of my jobs.

One guy who told me that Tori Amos just needs to get a man and she will be happy.

One guy who told me that all women want sex so if they start fighting they are just playing hard to get.(I punched him on the nose) I was really angry about that one.

[miskit]

Possible SI trigger..

I recently told a friend who thinks of himself as a confidante to me -- that i was inclined to SI via ED. He said, "Well, i'm just going out to the post office, want to come for a walk or you prefer to stay here and c*t yourself? The r*z*r is in the bathroom cupboard."

He has both deaf and stupid tendencies...:wacko:

I just laughed.

Grr; Pandys friends are better.

[luckylilley]

most resent one....

wow God has done alot in your life...

wtf is that!!! done in my life? grrrr im kinda pissed

[KaryAnca]

"She sees abuse everywhere." (Implying that it's all in her head.) Argh!

[lovingmum]

"I can't understand you because I have always been strong and had good moral character."

The one I hate the most because it is most inane response and the one I have most often received.

"Ohhhh that's no good!" In a sing-songy voice then immediate subject change. I would get more sympathy if I stubbed my toe!

[October]

.........................

Edited April 30, 2009 by October

[Pavitra]

My rapist said afterward while I lay on my side in the bed trying to figure out what the hell happened, "Are you okay? I'm sorry, it just slipped in. I just don't want to do anything that you would regret."

When I tried to talk to my T I was seeing after I broke up with the guy who raped me: "Well that doesn't sound like rape to me. It sounds more like a poorly planned seduction."

One friend said, "I don't know, it sounds like a grey area." This is someone who would consistently tell me I needed to calm down when I was upset about anything.

All I can say is thank GOD for the RAINN hotline and my husband. My husband's reaction was great: "Oh PLEASE. A guy ALWAYS knows where his dick is going, it did NOT slip in. He knew exactly what he was doing!"

My b-mother initially acted supportive, then a few months later I started hearing, "Oh, did you hear X moved to our part of town?" "Did you hear X is getting married?" She'd then watch me to see how I reacted.

My b-mother also told me seven years after I finally told her my b-brother was molesting me: "Oh well, you know, that was just normal family experimentation. My cousin and I used to fool around like that. It happens in families all the time, there's nothing wrong with it. It's just experimentation." I swear that ended up traumatizing me even more than the abuse - up until that time, when I'd thought all along she believed and supported me, I at least still felt some sense of security.

When I confronted her again another 7 years later she insisted the same thing. When I began to tell her I hadn't wanted it, she said, "Well, I'm going to choose to believe what I want to believe, and I'm not discussing it anymore," then turned back to the television.

Edited December 20, 2006 by itwas1983

[silent star]

worst response:

was not said to me but I read it in Cosmopolitan magazine, which I used to read occasionally when I was much younger

about a young woman who was suing her brother for past CSA:

are you sure you want to pursue the lawsuit? you will be known as the girl who was raped by her brother.

this is not an exact quote but very very close. the woman dropped the lawsuit and it was approvingly reported that she was "moving on" and "pursuing her own interests."

Edited April 5, 2007 by Mary Katherine

[Pavitra]

I'm so sorry Gabrielle. I've had my birth family make nasty comments to me about being ungrateful, rubbing my past in my face, etc. when I tried to stand up to or confront them in the past. It was their primary weapon to keep me from pushing for them to acknowledge the truth of how f'd up our family unit is.

That's why this last time earlier this year, I sent a letter with no return address (the last two or three times DH and I have moved since I established NC, we have not notified them). It didn't stop my b-brother from emailing and IMing me with comments that ranged everywhere from "our differences are not our children's burden" to telling me I am narcissistic, to lyrics from Bad Religion that basically were meant to bash my being Catholic.

They just never get it. They don't get it at all... and I have to tell myself that every day, and tell myself they never will. Evil people just don't get it.

[Lost]

After I was abused I broke off contact with my father. I had a conversation with the youth director at my church about not wanting him to come up there any more because of what happened (he wasn't a member, he just brought me when it was his visitation time.) My youth director said that I shouldn't break off contanct with him, and was talking about how I should consider forgiving him for what he did. He then told me that the bible says to "Honor thy father" for a reason. What... so that they can take control over and advantage of their children???

I left the church, but kept in contact with some of my friends there. That is until one of them said that "God has a plan for all of us. There must be a reason for everything." Why does my plan have to include SA?

Edited January 3, 2007 by Lost

[miss_sunflower]

**Trigger**

Here's a good one from someone I met on a chatroom...

"I understand. Well I don't think you should feel bad about it at all. Apparently it was consentual and you liked it so there's nothing to feel bad about. Just chalk it up to an early learning experience and save it as a good memory and not a bad one. Think of it like you having more fun that you girlfriends did long before they even knew what sexual enjoyment was. How's that?"

[Lost]

That's horrbile. I can't believe people are so stupid and ignorant about all of this stuff. Like people can just flip-flop their emotions as they please.

[miss_sunflower]

I've always thought that it takes a survivor to TRULY understand how a survivor feels -- but people COULD understand if they wanted to, but some people get uncomfortable and afraid and instead of trying to understand, say insensitive, slanderous, hurtful things, while coming across as ignorant, stupid and totally out to lunch.

[Guest Circe]

"I think you are deliberately MAKING dramas for yourself in life" - a counsellor told me this in 2005, after I reported having PTSD and abuse at home with my B/F. I never saw her again.

"You don't know what real domestic violence is" - my sister, when I tried to tell her about my abuse.

"That's what men do when they get angry. I don't blame him" - my father, when I came to him crying, after being abused and asked if I could stay at his place.

"You obviously have a lower sex drive than him" - a sexual abuse counsellor, a month ago, when I recounted a rape to her - by my ex B/f.

I could go on and on...

[Kaiya]

are you sure you want to pursue the lawsuit? you will be known as the girl who was raped by her brother.

My ex-boyfriend said something like that too me. Reading that reminded me of it.

Its weird becuase I thought he was the only one that understood and protected me.

But...I'm not so sure anymore...

After the second time I was assaulted..and I can't remember why he said it. I think maybe it was because I wanted to go to the pub or something...

but he said something on the guide lines too, "Your going to be known as the girl who got fingered in her sleep"

It was on the phone.

I reacted by burtsting into uncontrolable tears..

in which he got annoyed at me for crying.