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with_torn_wings

When I came out about my first abuse I was told that I was lying. That I had made it up. Here is what I was told in an email from someone I THOUGHT I could go to and trust.

"I am concerned that you would say such a thing about M* R**** ((Perp)). He would not have done anything that would hurt anyone. But of course you would know that. That is some serious accusations. You need to really rethink what you have said to people. You need to make it clear to those you have told that nothing happened. That would be best for you and M* R****. My counselor advice to you, please be careful of what you say. You want to be trusted but others will not trust you if you exaggerate things."

*sighs* :tear:

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  • 3 weeks later...

umm... let's see

1) a friend: So he didn't actually rape you?

me: no

a friend: then what's the problem?

2) ex boyfriend's mom: He probably did the same thing to other girls before and after he did it to you. (yes because that makes it so much better...)

3) a friend: wasn't that like 9 years ago? Shouldn't you be over that?

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The absolute stupid comment number one said to me:

"That's what happens when you start dating too young."

(My mother when she heard that I'd had an abusive relationship. Really, do all the dating girls aged 17 or under experience abuse? Or could I have prevented it happening if I had started dating older?)

Other comments:

"Disgusting. But that has nothing to do with me."

(My later boyfriend)

"Are you really serious?"

(That boyfriend's mother. Serious? You think I just joke about rape?)

"I've always thought that I'd never let a man hit or abuse for me."

(My Grandma)

"You really don't need to go into details."

(That boyfriend again.)

"You are never gonna get rid of him (my abusive ex boyfriend). You will always think about him."

(The same guy again. He may be right but it didn't really help.)

"You were really stupid to go out with him."

(My mother again.)

"If a woman wears too sexy clothes, she can partly blame herself if she gets raped."

(And mom again)

Edited by Elfstar
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  • 4 weeks later...

why did you allow yourself to be so vulnerable? - the question that was posed to me a little while ago.

Also ' you are too nice. You need to toughen up'

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One of the detectives working on the case said that the perp "was a good, honest, hard-working man who got drunk and made a mistake". (This same detective wrote in his statement that the perp was not drunk.)

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After I wrote about my rape on my online journal, I was told that I'm just making it up, because REAL victims of rape don't talk about it. x.x

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learning kate

On a visit to the doctor who had some limited knowledge of my past. I made mention of suddenly having terrible nightmares again and was inquiring about sleep meds. ..........You've all heard it before. It's the

"You really should be over all that by now." quote.

After refusing to meet with my pastor, who knows about my past, and telling him the meeting would be too threatening for me at the moment he said something along the lines of ....

"What do you think your pastors and your husband are going to do? Assault you?"

While visiting an out of town church, the pastor stated in his Sunday sermon

"When a woman walks down the street in a miniskirt and tank top, showing everything off, she's just asking to be raped." Huh?!!!

"What the hell is this?" A direct quote from my mother who had just opened and read the bill from the emergency room. Followed by "Don't tell me. I don't want to know."

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learning kate

Oh I forgot the best one. (Or worst one)

I teach at a public high school with 2800 students. I teach the low level special ed kids. One of my students recently came to school and told her first period teacher that she'd been raped the previous night. A counselor showed up in my class around lunch time to inform me of this student's statements and apprise me of how the situation was going to be handled. She stated and I quote: "We do not feel that she (this student) is mentally capable of understand the word rape." ........OMG

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okay here goes,

me (V.upset): I can't understand why I didn't leave him and I can't forgive myself for letting things get so bad that he thought he could do that to me

Counsellor: Oh well that's easy, the average abused wife is abused for a set number of times before she leaves.

Oh well that explains it then..... I feel so much better.

Thanks. F**king easy indeed...

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((((Members))))))

Those replies are f*ck-awful. Isn't it interesting, Kate, how even the very educated allegedly intelligent such as doctors can be total morons when it comes to rape?

And Suzi, as a former battered woman, I'd love to know just what that "easy" "set number of times" is? I'm really sorry you had to hear that.

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People can really make terrible comments. Even otherwise intelligent and nice people who seem to love you say things that make you feel awful or even ashamed.

My father (after I'd finally told my parents, without going into details, that I'd been sexually abused by my ex bf and I was crying and hurting for that): "Don't make such a big deal about it! Your problems aren't bigger than an average person's problems, everyone has problems, like I had a burnout last year. Sensible people just tell their problems to a therapist, they don't cry and explain it at home like you do!"

For several reasons I felt awful after this speach. First of all, I would have liked some support instead of parents getting mad at me. And I'd say that sexual violence is worse than "average person's problems", probably worse than my father's burnout at work. And it was terrible that he thought I was stupid to cry or tell anything to my family. I know he is wrong and I should have the right to cry and tell anyone I want to but I still felt like I had failed my parents ny my behaviour. People should think for a while before they start advicing and judging victims.

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I just feel so irritated by all the insensitive comments said to survivors.

Some of the advice I was given after the last rape:

Put it behind you. (aka: get over it already)

Get on with your life.

Keep busy so you won't think about it.

You are too spacey. (I was disociated for eight days after)

He does a lot of good for the community.

Why did you let him into your place? (it was date rape)

Oh of course, it was my behavior not his that was wrong! <_<

For me, the responses and lack of compassion/understanding afterwards were like salt in a wound. It was as atrocious as the rape itself.

It was silencing, minimizing, and invalidating to me.

I kept wondering when someone would comfort me instead of protect the rapist. That never happened. It was like I was to take care of all those supposed friends who felt uncomfortable about rape. What about me?

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  • 3 months later...

After I told a chaperone what happened she stated

"These things are stepping stones in life. Dont make a bg deal about it."

Because of these words I never really came to terms with what happened. I listened to those words and kept telling myself..."get over it." To this day, 12 years later, I still can not handle hearing those words in any kind of context. Looking back I should have told her how stupid her words were....

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I've gotten some of the usual ones - "Are you sure it was rape?" "I'll bet it was just a misunderstanding" "Aren't you over that yet?" But one of my friends got a real winner. She was being sexually abused by her father, had been since she was nine, finally her senior year in high school she told a school counselor and the counselor got her in contact with a social worker. I think it was the social worker who said she needed to go into counseling with her father, so they could (I think this is a direct quote): "reconcile their disparate views of sexuality." :o :o :)barf

My friend bailed on that whole thing and moved in with a friend to finish out her senior year... And it's like, if this is the sort of help girls are getting in an upper middle class suburb of Denver, what the heck kind of help are girls in poorer areas getting? :angry:

Sheryl

(Edit because I didn't get the quote right the first time - the high-falutin' jargon is part of the insult...)

Edited by Shalom
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I got one of the comments before it even happened. My mom always said that she trusted me to take care of myself - that she knew I would never be raped or kidnapped or anything because I was so strong. Well, then it happened... and I kept blaming myself for it, using her words as evidence.

One of the incidents happened at a mental hospital. I was punished for having sexual contact with another patient. They even asked me if it was consensual (I told them it wasn't). They just made me do a bunch of worksheets on boundaries. Apparently saying now, turning my head, pushing him away, etc. isn't enough. I caused it through my bad boundaries (I'm NOT saying that people who do nothing did cause it... I'm just saying that I was somehow capable of trying to defend my boundaries - it didn't help any).

My ex-best friend seemed supportive at first. Then she called me a cheater. Yeah, being assaulted is the same thing as cheating.

I've had many, many shrinks be dismissive of it. They didn't have quotable one-liners, though.

Once, while I was waiting for a therapist, a guy came up and tried to hire me as a prostitute. I said "NO!" and he went away. Well, I wasn't really in the mood for talking to the shrink or even sitting close to him. He then told my brother (who was babysitting me at the time) that he had to call him once a day... I don't really know how to explain what happened, I can't even really remember it clearly... I just remember that he sucked away all my control and made me feel even worse, like I couldn't trust him at all...

Then there are all the things that make it sound like only girl and women get raped. So either what happened to me wasn't real, or I'm not a guy because it happened to me.

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  • 2 weeks later...
KittyLoverMira

are you sure? :unsure:

well, since you don't remember a lot of it, it probably didn't really happen. :confused:

so? you weren't raped. :blink:

why are you making such a huge deal out of this? years later? :down:

you're just making it worse for yourself (and others, i guess, too, huh?) :suspect:

so..... why are you telling me this? :o (more deserving of a :shock: face, but there isn't one..

and.... (i just copied this from 'survivor bashing' in the research section... i dunno if this post belongs here as well...)

how can you say it was abuse if you still live with her? talk to her everyday? laugh with her? love her?

it couldn't have been bad. maybe you liked it, and that's why you're 'okay' with it all. (i wasn't acting like i 'should'. i was telling her dispassionately, in a matter-of-fact manner)

stop trying to be a victim. you just want attention. moms don't do that.

that stuff stays with me even now, 9 years later, and i suspect will always be remembered...

((((((pandy's members, guests, and anyone wanting to heal and to help heal))))))))

you are all wonderful, and i hope that with this information gathered by wonderful people, like pixie, the confused will realize what they say and do is completely inappropriate and cruel, and those sadistic people to just shut up and the perpetraters to maybe care about what they do/did to us and others, and to f* off and leave people alone. (yeah, that just slipped out)

goddess bless and contact me anytime.

Edited by KittyLoverMira
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Former boyfriend: "That's what you were upset about? That's not rape. You have no reason to be upset."

This was right after I'd triggered hard, and convulsed for a little while (I'm mildly epileptic), and told him the details of my SA, which included forced oral penetration. We'd been together for four years

Edited by Becida
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When ever someone asks a survivor if they fought or yelled, I feel like throwing a cream pie in their face.

Call me crazy if you like.

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I have only one. . .

Three weeks after it happened one of my close friends told me to "get over it". Nice huh?

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Mira,

I've always thought the "why such a big deal" one is a real stinger, because it not only puts me down but every other woman who's dealt with the same thing. :( Huge guilt load with it, too, when you're trying so desperately to get past it. :tear:

I think I forgot one that goes beyond stupid. Didn't happen to me, though A lot of friends in Real Life have told me about their rapes - only one was stranger raped. She's been a virgin, and when she told her boyfriend at time time about the rape, he said, "So can we start having sex now, since you've been popped?" :o :o :)barf

Sheryl

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A few days after the rape, a lover came over to have sex and wanted it even though I'd been raped a few days prior.

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Two stupid questions I have been asked pertaining to the topic:

"Aren't you over that by now?"

"Do you have to keep talking about it all the time?"

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Another stupid comment I once experienced:

One time I went to a social service organization for assistance and an employee with a tie on asked me to step into his office. Once there, he asked me why I needed assistance. (instead of what did I need and how he could offer it) Before I could say a word, he told me (!) the reason I was having difficulty was because it was obvious that I hadn't accepted the glory of Jesus Christ our Lord our Savior into my life yet!!!!!! :huh:

Needless to say, I left soon after. He gave me a 5 pound block of govt. cheese. I am lactose intolerant! :lol:

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  • 4 weeks later...

I recently heard another stupid and offensive comment. My aunt said I seem a lot older than I did a year ago. This was OK but she went on explaining that the reason I got raped and abused by my ex boyfriend was that I was stupid and childish. She said I could have stopped it had I been more confident and mature then.

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My last assault was at a party, and guess where my so-called friends wanted to take me to make me forget about it two weeks after it happened? A freaking party!

We went on a trip together to help me "forget about it." They thought I was asleep and were discussing whether or not anything really happened. They were giggling.

Last straw: One of them changed the channel to a movie that was at a scene where a very young girl was about to be raped. I waited for her to change the channel, but when I turned to ask her to change the channel, I saw that they were not looking at the movie, they were watching me watch the movie.

I collected everything they ever borrowed from me and they requested the gifts I was given for my graduation back and we went our separate ways.

Edited by Persephone78
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