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Moose_Muffin

My friend who is out of her abuaive realtionship now said to me the other night that she doesn't want to be like me. She doesn't want to think about her abusive ex for years. As if there's something wrong with me.....that's super hurtful.....my friend doesn't even know all of what he did. I have never told any one of my friends because as you can see they are not safe. I don't want to compare abuse but she didn't and hasn't dealt with the same degree of physical violence and violation as I have. 

 

Really i am hoping by posting it here I can forget about her comment and just not add it to my list of things wrong with me. 

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Guest storm01

After sharing a few poems about my assault with my family, my younger cousin said “hahaha remember when that guy touched you” and I was just shocked. I replied telling him that it was a serious issue and not something to joke about, to which he replied “yeah but it wasn’t that serious and it happened a long time ago”. Sometimes I just wish I can punch people in the face. 

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I disclosed my childhood abuse and rape to an older guy.  

One day he asked "so what do you think is worse,  having gone through Auschwitz or your childhood?" 

...

Dafuq man.  I just said "I don't have answer for that" 

Seriously,  why would you ask that? 

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  • 6 months later...
EsperanzaRising

“G*d told me that it’s your job to make things right between him and your mom and you can be a family again” school friend said that

“Was it r*pe or was it just m*lesting?” My T said that while I was at a children’s home

“He must have had multiple personalities “ whether he did or did not have DID that doesn’t excuse abusive and shitty behavior. His abuse gave me DID. We know not to be what he is

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I can't remember if I've posted this before, but when I tried to tell a friend/mentor figure that I had been abducted, she told me I "shouldn't get in cars with strange men." Wtf. That's not what happened at all.

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My therapist told me that "scrappier girls" (like she had been, of course!) didn't have to worry so much about getting victimized.  Yeah, this asinine therapist definitely got me in touch with my anger!  If a therapist said that to me now, I'd reply, "I don't think this is going to work out" and stop therapy with that individual instantly.  To imply blame at a CSA therapy site is inexcusable.

Edited by free2speak
I wanted to clarify a little
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  • 1 month later...

I feel so sorry to read that for many these comments come from the people supposed to help you, therapists, family, best friends... Well, being aware that these comments are fucked up and not beliving them is still great. There are so many things people say "not wanting to hurt" or even wanting to help that are in fact absurdities... 

here is mine "who do you think feels most of the pain, the victim, the perpetrator or the perpetrator's mother?" I was so shocked I stayed in blank, so this guy I had just told about being agressed by someone from the same activity group answered himself "I think it is the mother. To know that your son is a rapist should be terrible..." 

What the h**l is this question? How to compare these things? The perpetrator is the only responsible, the mother most of the times has nothing to do and doesn't have a clue of what her son did, and the victim have scars from the agression so many years... I mean, really? Even trying to give an answer to this question seems absurd.

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Guest Jessthemess

Happened in Europe with a relative 

tried to tell brother 3 years later he said “if you got sexually assaulted it would’ve been your fault”

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  • 1 year later...
Guest Guest TLD

A male friend "he must have been a big bloke!" 

I'm 5ft 8" and a size 18/20 so I guess he was thinking of the logistics but come on really! He saw the look on my face and apologised immediately but still....

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  • 4 months later...

Oh yeah, I think my worst like this was at my GYN, “survivors of rape don’t go get piercings” re: my nipple piercings and Christina. I don’t know about anyone else, but I love my piercings and they help me feel like I’ve reclaimed my body, it looks different than when I was assaulted. Plus I made sure to go to a piercer that was extremely professional! Way more professional than that gynecologist for sure.

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  • 2 months later...

  I’ve heard “maybe he was trying to be romantic, maybe he was into that…maybe he thought you’d like it…..maybe he was thinking____(insert what they THINK he may have been thinking even though they don’t know…”he probably wanted to get some before he left.” “I can tell you why he did that…men can’t control themselves, maybe he assumed it was okay with you because you’re in a relationship…maybe he assumed your history or he could be rough with you…

  I’ve also heard he is nice for not raping me (not one those exact words but he’s nice for not trying to have sex with you instead), and they kept saying did he take your clothes off at any point? and when I say no automatically assume usually what happened but at the same time maybe he was just into violent/ rough sex.Maybe he got upset/offended…that you were hyperventilating.
  Okay so that excuses violence? Also just assuming how and what happened that there wasn’t any violence (there was) and that I must have done or said something to make him n yeah…if I wasn’t experienced he either assumed I was obviously or that he’s just stupid. Ugh.

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  • 8 months later...
Guest user274
On 7/18/2021 at 6:41 AM, Guest Tea said:

Oh yeah, I think my worst like this was at my GYN, “survivors of rape don’t go get piercings” re: my nipple piercings and Christina. I don’t know about anyone else, but I love my piercings and they help me feel like I’ve reclaimed my body, it looks different than when I was assaulted. Plus I made sure to go to a piercer that was extremely professional! Way more professional than that gynecologist for sure.

  There’s absolutely NOTHING NO certain way of being a survivor we’re all different people so that makes no sense that she said that? What right does she have to tell you that?  Survivors all cope differently and have different things they like to do. That’s just a weird thing to say. I’m sorry people are so judgmental and I think piercings are cool. I know it’s hard but don’t listen to what people say okay? They can be so ignorant sometimes, but just do what makes you happy. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Guest

When responding to the fact I had been gang raped, my dad said- "get over it." and in response to childhood abuse from multiple perpetrators he said "You are not that good looking" -implying if I was that would mean it would be plausible because apparently only those good-looking people get raped.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest MMM

From the only person who I confided in:

"Just pray to God to remove it from your mind and you'll be fine."

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  • 3 weeks later...

The first alleged 'therapist' after he had found out that I hated him, and he knew he would never be able to connect with me in any meaningful way:

'Happiness is a choice'

 

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@VirginiaW, this is a ridiculous thing for anyone to say but especially ridiculous for a therapist to say that! Completely unhelpful! Sorry you had to hear that when you were suffering :hug:

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@Lou21 , yes, that's definitely right. He was angry with me because I had rejected him completely. He said that only a few months after my incident, and he was in a huff. He wanted to have the last word or something like that, I guess.

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When I told my old therapist about the molestation (not the R as I hadn’t had that flashback yet) and how his sister - my childhood BFF - was present the first time she stopped me and said 

“Did you comfort her at all? Have you reached out to her? That was her brother so I can only imagine it was worse for her.” 
 

LOL another thing to feel guilty about, thank you. My old therapist, for the rest of that session, basically berated me for not taking care of my BFF who must have had it worse. Because of this I still feel a deep sense of guilt and responsibility for not doing enough to protect my friend. And I still feel what happened to me “wasn’t that bad”. 
 

I’m sorry to everyone on here that you have experienced something similar. We deserve better. 

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