Top 10 Stupidest Comments

[shoshanahlily]

My mother said it was just a bad sexual experience, you need to move on. (doesn't that involve two willing parties even if turns out bad??)

She also said What did you expect walking out that late at night? (it was still light out, just before sunset)

and she told me I don't think you should be talking to any family members about this because everyone is very worried about your brother in law who is very sick and you wouldn't want to take away his support for something as minor as that would you? (okay guess that means i'm not a member of this family who deserves support then)

Shoshanah

[Ayanna]

Admittedly this one came out of a book, but it still kind of pissed me off.

The book says that one of the things that people gain from trauma is increased empathy.

My response- What??? But I had too much f****** empathy to begin with! Why the hell would I want any more???

...As if before the trauma we were all robots or psychopaths or sociopaths completely incapable of empathy...you know?

Anna

[Canadian]

*Not sure if will trigger or not so read with care*

It really triggers me when my b/f and his family uses the "r word" so casually in everyday conversation(quite a few times). My b/f knows that this really hurts me but when I mention it to him, he says "well, I can't MAKE people stop saying something just b/c you want them to!". I've also had my b/f, some of his friends, and some of his family always making jokes about how people can't commit suicide correctly - "now remember, don't cut across the tracks. Always cut up the tracks!" Sometimes I just can't take it and just break down......

[Kalley]

I would have to say that right now the 1 thing I hate to hear is:

See you are strong and you are getting through it, when I try and explain the pain inside and how debilitating it is.

Just because I get up everyday and take care of my kids that makes me functioning?

[Violet~Iris]

OMG My mom says that all the time.

And she DID "let" it happen to her. And my sister. And me. So its so insane that she says that about me being battered or whenever the topic comes up otherwise. I can't believe someone else's mother says that. Yeesh

Aaaand...the 'Stupid Comment of the Day' award for today goes to my mother.<p>We were talking about abusive, controlling relatioinships (and no, she doesn't realize that my ex was abusive - we were talking about a friend and her relationship) and my mom says..."I will NEVER LET anyone do that to me."<p>Oh, yeah, 'cause it's really just a matter of 'letting' or 'not letting' it happen.  BTW, Mom, thanks for reminding me of one of the reasons I don't ever want to tell you.<p>Blah.

Lynn

[Violet~Iris]

WORST thing ever after talking to my Aunt about being molested for my childhood by my grandfather, her father, and discussing that the family knew about it:

"Well, I just thought you liked it and so that is why it kept happening."

.... She was referring to something that happened when I was FIVE/SIX years old!!!

Additional worse thing happened when I was sixteen and talking to my mom about this. She informed me that she knew I'd been molested (I could tell everyone seemed to know but no one talked about it and I didn't know how they knew) She told me that she was giving me a bath, saw I was red "down there" and forced me to tell her what had happened. This was TOTAL news to me. I asked her why it kept happening then. She said: "I went over there and confronted him about it and said if it happened again I'd have him institutionalized." I said: "Mom, that didn't affect anything. I don't even remember telling you, or any change at all. Why didn't you stop it?" She actually said: "I told you then to tell me if it happened again. So its your fault because you should have come and told me."

She ACTUALLY told me that being molested as a child by my grandfather was MY OWN FAULT. I had to look away and conseal my tears and we stopped talking about it.

[Violet~Iris]

Ironically WHILE I was posting that I had this conversation with an old online friend:

Him: hello

Me: Hi

Him: hows Your night?

Me: Pretty good.

Him:: thats good whats keeping You up?

Me: message boards

Me: how're you?

Him: doing ok over worked though what kinda msg boards?

Me: abuse survivor

Him: helping others is Your specialty

Me: *smiles* actually I'm there for support.

Me: But I'm sure I'll also lend some aid when I have the chance.

Him: You still need support after all this time?

Me: uh... ....

How freaking ironic is that. How absurd. WTF

Edited August 2, 2011 by Violet~Iris

[Maggie]

The first happened to me when I told a supposed friend about being raped by my ex-boyfriend (with whom I had previously been intimate when we were seeing each other)

"Oh, well, you never told him NO before..."

This happened just after I had run away from him and I was crying and still wearing the clothes he tore! It took years before I told anyone else and stopped feeling "dirty and guilty"

A few years back, my aunt commented that as a kid my (male) cousin and I (same age) used to be very close and then suddenly we weren't. I made the mistake of telling her that one night, in anger, after attending a party together, he stuck his hand in my crotch because he didn't like "my behavior". Fortunately this episode really didn't cause me nightmares since he went in for counseling shortly after (he beat his mother up) for anger issues and really did change. (Yes the event bothered me, but when he was forced to go for counseling I felt kind of vindicated even though I had never told anyone) But my aunt just replied,

"Oh, I thought something like that may have happened and I warned "J" (her daughter) about his anger."

Well geez Aunt "R", thanks for being so concerned about ME!

And last but not least, I was scrolling a forum on a soap opera I watch. One of the comments was about a replacement actress for one of the characters. the writer criticised the way the character dresses:

"Her mother should tell her she is just begging to be raped."

I hate that excuse to hurt a woman!

Edited May 27, 2007 by Maggie

[Grown_From_Tears]

The one that i just adore getting from my parents happened when we were going through the court process six years after the fact (i did not ask to go to court by the way i was forced into it by and untrustworthy counciler)

my dad and mom were sitting with me in the waiting room at the social services place and i was so mad at them for just treating it like an unfortunate occurence and i told them they were "treating me like a machine that you can just fix and pretend nothing ever happened"

and so then my dad said (drum roll please cause i guarentee this one is the winner)

"Kayla sweetheart i don't think you realize how tramatic this is for us to go through. I mean we have to sit here and listen to our daughter tell something that happened a very long time ago that we had hoped had been forgotten. I just want you to know that it is very hard for us to deal with you and your little spurts of emotion like this. Try to think of the people you're affecting by doing this..."

WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?! As if he knows anything about the trama that that court stuff brought up! And all of a sudden i'm the one that did this to him? It wasn't my fault and i have been through years of healing just to accept that... and i still haven't all the way. My father takes the gold for fucked up comments....

thankyou but no prize is necessary

(wow he finally has a fanfare...)

Edited May 28, 2007 by Grown_From_Tears

[wamu]

I haven't really told that many people - but I have heard a lot of stupid things from those that I did tell.

"I can imagine how hard that was.", "Yeah right"

--current or former friends

"do you have to bring that up again?"

--a 'friend' after trying to get a group of girls to talk about sex. I said I don't want to talk about it and then she says <quote above>. Funny. I didn't bring it up at all.

"it could have been worse" or "he could have killed you"

--it couldn't have been worse, and at times I would have preferred the second.

"that must be true because you gave so many details"

--like if I didn't it would not be true

"well it was only once"

--someone I was talking to right after I mentioned that I think it happened before but that I can't remember them

Another friend once referred to the rape as "when you were with [so and so]." As if we were dating or something! Oy.

my sister talks like that. I can't stand it.

*side note* - she usually tends to be pretty supportive though

"well - since you like sex now you must have liked it then"

--a former client of mine that I started to get really close to.

"...god..." or "...Jesus..."

Now, I grew up in a very religious home in a very religious neighborhood - but please

"he would never rape you" or "a doctor would never rape you - there supposed to help you"

--yeah they are. but they didn't

"what did he do to you" all excited to here the details

--from a few of the men i have told

silence or changing the subject

--at least say something!!!!!!!

"stop trying to kill yourself."

--right after my second suicide attempt by a psyc counselor. Can't you do something to help instead?

"if you weren't that pretty he wouldn't have raped you"

a former friend upon seeing some beauty award I won right after I told her about two weeks after it happened

"whatever you do - don't become a lesbian now"

--a T on the phone.

She then went on to reconsider me looking for anything "long term" and then decided that the best thing for me would be "as

many one night stands as it took"....

does escorting count? if so then it really doesn't help

"sex that you had and later regret is not called rape"

--a judge right after he was acquitted to my face.

"couldn't you run away (or escape)"

--well actually no I couldn't, I was drugged and paralyzed

"why did you go back to him"

--my doctor was abusing me for years before he actually did it, and then I went back to him a week later anyway

"why didn't you just get an abortion?"

--I tried

"people _____ are in much worse situations"

-counselor at church

[ViolinHeals]

I received this comment not when I was talking about my own *experience* but just in general terms....

It was a sunday school seminar on "God and Sex*. The subject of rape was eventually put out, and I was impressed with the vehemence of the pastor that it was never anyone's fault but the perpetrator, male or female. However, it was less impressive when he told us that "Of course, rape is such a broad term these days." I asked what he meant. He kind of laughed. "Marital rape, for instance. In recent years some...women...(he clearly would have inserted a slur here if not in church) have claimed it exists. According to God, wives have no right to deny their husbands entitlement."

Really now. Got a bit angry there...

[icecream125]

^^ Yeah, that is not right.

[Ayanna]

Yeah, it's bullshit. The same passage that says "wives submit to your husbands" (Ephesisns 5) also says "husbands love you wives" "as their own bodies". Forcing a wife to do something she doesn't want to goes against this!

Anna

[ChristineMarie]

Telling my "friend" about not being able to have sex with my husband because of flashbacks.

She said, "if you keep holding out on him, your more apt to having him cheat on you."

Trying to talk to my one other friend, who is supposed to be my best-friend, and her not listening because her husband was talking to her. Same friend, "oh yeah", is her response. Than she follows by talking about what she was doing at that time, "we are going to R brother's house." didn't even phase her.

My husband, "you need to stop worrying about it so much."

Edited June 25, 2007 by christinevght

[Lissa]

I can't decide whether I should keep talking to this guy, the only friend at school I told:

He knew that I was upset about something to do with a guy, and kept asking after me. Two months after I'd labeled what happened as assault, I finally told him that I'd never been with a guy who didn't end up ignoring me when I said I didn't want to do something. My friend didn't really react until I actually used the word "assault" a minute later, even though I'd just described it.

He said he was so sorry, he'd probably said insensitive things before, hoped I was okay, was glad that I told him, and suggested I talk to a counselor.

I said I was fine, it didn't really bother me anymore, it wasn't as bad as some people's (yes, I'm guilty of saying that--no one has said it to me, and I've never said it to anyone, just to myself, which I suppose is not good.)

Turns out I wasn't so fine, though. Maybe because now I was back at school after being on break for a week, and reading I Never Called It Rape.

Except now he wasn't around. I'd gone from chatting with him a couple times a week to being lucky if I could catch him once a week (we always talked mostly on IM, like before). And I felt more and more compelled to talk about how I felt like it was my fault.

He said continuously that it wasn't my fault, but he also said things like:

-Don't get mad at me because I'm busy. I can't help it. (He was never busy before, now I needed him and he wasn't available. And he never told me when he WAS free. And he was so busy cuz he'd gotten a girlfriend.)

-I don't know what I'm supposed to say, isn't it kind of selfish for you to expect me to want to talk about painful stuff like this so much? (I don't think he ever once looked up what to say to someone like me, online or anywhere. My school even held a freaking PROGRAM about how to talk to survivors, designed for guys, and he didn't go to it.)

- You have a lot of other friends, who have more free time, why don't you talk to them? (Right, because I can tell just anyone you know)

-Why don't you go see a counselor? (I did, eventually. Which was good, but I also had a feeling like, I'm talking to you because you HAVE to listen to me, you're not my friend)

And the absolute best one:

-Look, I feel like I'm your therapy friend. This is all you ever talk about with me. (He was the only one I'd told! I'd have to start with scratch with anyone else, only to be potentially ignored again!) Why can't we talk like we used to? You're just thinking about this too much.

(Which sounded to me just like the guy who'd assaulted me, who told me, Don't feel bad, nothing happened, just don't be upset and things will be fine.)

I didn't talk to my friend for a month after that; I saw him at group meals, when I went, and he would say hi to me like nothing happened and I ignored him completely. Sometimes he seemed to think my reaction was funny. At the end of the semester (after his girlfriend had left campus) he apologized for what he'd said about just being therapy friends (but not about not making time for me--he said that I should have told him I wanted to talk to him. I DID!!) and invited me over to actually talk about what happened in person, for the first time since i'd told him 2 months ago, and he was very nice during it. This was after making me feel like a worthless loser for two months, and add that on to the two months previously when I knew but didn't tell anyone. I'm a VERY private person. Everyone's always telling me that if I just communicate, things will be fine. So I finally did, and look what happened.

I don't know if I should keep being friends with this guy...I barely talk to him at all anymore anyway. I think he really wants to help me, but he just says the stupidest things sometimes, I don't know what to do. Plus he is friends with the guy who assaulted me, (but doesn't know it) although he has said that he is a jerk to girls.

My posts are waaayy too long, sorry.

[blue_angel]

I just had to post this because it made me sooooo mad, it was in a DV thread on another forum in reply to a post I made

My post:

I was in a very abusive relationship for a long time, he didn't start off that way but over time the physical and mental abuse got worse.

It is hard to leave a person when :

a) they say they will find you and kill you if you try to go

b) they have made you feel so worthless and useless that you think you wouldn't be able to survive on your own anyway.

Anyone who says "you should have just left" has no idea at all of what it is like to be in that situation but as the saying goes "Walk a mile in my shoes"

I finally managed to get away but it was hard and I'm still trying to recover the person I once was, if I had one wish in life it would be that no-one would ever have to go through a situation like that.

The specifics of the situation I can't go into, because this really isn't the place

The unbelievable reply, which was pounced on by half a dozen people and she was torn apart over this:

Ah I don't understand what people mean when they say this.

Its pretty much your fault that you cant stand up for yourself. There are hundreds of ways of preventing yourself from getting hurt.

If you are getting hit, do what any strong person does and do something about it, go down the gym and work out or take some self defence classes. If theyre giving you mental abuse, do something about it, stop being a whiny doormat and learn to take crap from people or even better, if you can get them to stop giving you the crap in the first place. If someone is doing something that hurts you, you do something about it, no excuses. Only then can you whinge about how crap things are.

If a person goes from being nice and dandy for six years and then within 6 minutes suddenly turns real ugly, fine theres not much you can do about that. But like you say it happened gradually. So you have the chance and right to do something about it.

And whats this crap about you feeling worthless and having to recover the person you were? Only something crazy like solitary confinement can cripple someone that has even an ounce of mental strength. This is one measly guy for crying out loud. Weak people let what other people say affect them. And its childish to take negative things that people say personally. Even if you felt deeply towards someone. It doesn't matter how much you think you love someone, if theyre hurting you, your a really stupid person if you allow it.

And that 'walk in my shoes' thing is also dumb. Everyone goes through crap in their lives, your not the only one. Like all the bad stuff in the world only happens to you and everyone gets it easy. Bullshit. So its stupid to pressume other people havent been through what you have. Most of us including you get it incredibly easy anyway and your just whiney if you complain about small things like this. Human beings werent meant for a sedentary lifestyle. We were meant to hunt sabre tooth tigers and walk 40 miles a day.

Basically, its entirely your fault that you let that happen to you.

Edited June 30, 2007 by blue_angel

[Ellikus]

Hi guys, thought i'd add some stupid comments i have heard in the past!

1. from my ex psychiatrist: when describing how much food i had eaten in a binge (literally a few kilos worth of food in one sitting!) she said to me "oh thats nothing at all, any man could eat that in one sitting, it's nothing to worry about!" no nothing at all to worry about except that my bulimia is getting worse!

2. also from the same ex psychiatrist: when i first told her about the abuse she responded with "well it's not happening anymore so there's nothing to worry about!" umm yeh if it's that easy to forget then why does she think i went to see her to try and talk about it?!!

3. from ex boyfriend: i said "i don't wanna have sex tonight" 30 seconds later, "does that feel good?" me "no" him "it'l be ok, u said u didnt wanna have sex but this is ok right?" me "no, i dont want to have sex" him kept pushing and raped me an@lly then said "see that wasnt so bad was it?"

then after that incident every time i said "i dont want to have sex" he would always say "theres plenty of other things we can do!" (always the freakn optimist!) and its like "NO! do u not get it???? when i say no sex, i mean no nothing, no touching, no oral sex, no anal sex, NO SEX!

4. dipshit in class after he found out that i self injure "whats for dinner hey? gunna cut up a nice meal for me?" like WTF is that supposed to mean? sick ferral man!

5. another dipshit in class, i came into class with a black eye, clearly i was not ok! "omg what the f$ck happened to your eye?" in front of the whole class, immediately the whole class turned to stare at me! nice of him to be so sympathetic!

6. later that week attended another class still with a black eye, and as soon as i walked in, the teacher of all people said "oh goodness me, someone doesn't like u much ellen!" it's like thanx, and u call yourself a counselling skills teacher?

7. an idiot in class "there are no situations which you can't get out of, (talking about arguments and disagreements etc), people put themselves in those situations, you can feel out of control, but your not, 100% percent of the time, you freely give that control and that power away, therefor you get what you deserve, because you attracted it"

i went ballistic in the class and said i "strongly disagree" what about when you are physically held down by someone stronger, when u are bound and can't escape and raped repeatedly??? the teacher fortunately saw my point and we discussed it more in class and others agreed with me, saying that we do not "choose" everything that happens to us and that power can be taken away in the blink of an eye!

ok sorry for my rants, just wanted to add my comments!

oh p.s when my dad confronted my brother about what he did to me he said "umm yeh stuff happened, no big deal" talk about denial!!!!!!!!

thats all from me

luv elle xox

[Lissa]

Ew, the "you always have control" arguments are so frustrating. Don't these people realize that any time you form a relationship with someone--friendship, family, romantic partner--that you are automatically giving up some of your power, because that's what Trust is. Where you think that you can depend on people so that you are not constantly guarding yourself and you believe they will make choices that will be good for you. Those people who make those awful comments have always given up some of their control, they're just lucky because the people they were with didn't abuse their power.

[Lyla]

Basically, its entirely your fault that you let that happen to you.

Having grown up in domestic violence as a child- it was extremely difficult for me to just leave. I was a child- society, and even police protection made it impossible for me to leave safely. They ignored the abuse- thus leaving me trapped. Living on the streets was an only option. Often many people don't leave for many reason- because people who are a part of these protection agencies reflect the same attitude as what was quoted, blue angel.

My teachers did not believe me when I mentioned the violence. One teacher laughed it off- so she made me feel like I was taking it too seriously and making an issue out of nothing. With that attitude reflected everywhere around me, of course I am going to have a hard time just leaving. There was no safe viable option to.

If the only attitude reflected is "don't run away, don't make them angry, and don't make a big deal out of it" by protection agencies, I am probably going to do little about it.

Then I would hear the same crap about living on the street, and safety issues- how it is not safe, and stupid of me as a woman to place myself there (I had no choices! I made the best of the situation considering my options) when living on the streets actually resulted in less abuse.

I didn't turn into a crack addict, or a prostitute, nor was I raped. These things happened to me through people I knew, or was being stalked by.

People like you quoted, blue bell, need to walk a mile in your shoes, or my shoes to know what it's like. They've only perpetuated abuse with their comments.

oh, and their comment about just going to the gym if you are getting hit? WTF? So beat up your partner now, and if you are unable to oh well, it's your fault. WTF?

L

Edited July 1, 2007 by Lyla

[Ayanna]

One I got from my dad a couple of weeks ago that's on my mind because it's 11PM here, I only got 5 hours sleep last night because of a nightmare I had, and because I'm only still up because I'm now afraid to go to bed again...

"I'm going to go back to bed for a couple of hours because you can't live in 6 hours sleep"

When I pointed out that yes, you CAN live on 6 hours sleep and I acyually had to do that a few weeks ago (and I should say he does not know my ex was sexually abusing me... at least I never told anyone about it) you wanna know what he said then?

"Yeah, ok, but it makes you miserable"

Actually, it was being sexually abused by the guy I wanted to marry that was making me miserable... wanker.

Anna

[janelle1]

unbelievable the things people say,i was talking to a friend about how my mom's boyfriend had protituted me when i was a kid,and she had the gull to ask how many men i'd been with.just makes you want to put the walls up higher and not let people in,but than again its there ignorance

[blooregardqkazoo]

Wow, ((((Hugs)))) to all of you for all the horrible things that have been said to you....

1) My dad (when he got mad because he found out my teacher/relative knew about my SI before he did): Oh, why don't you just go live with him then?? He's a better father than I am obviously!!!

~~well, yeah. He hasn't beaten me senselessly while on an alchohol binge!

2) My BFF (when I was curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor of the HS after I found out my r*pist died): What are you crying about?? Your r*pe?? DeLani, I have A PAPER to write and I can't really be wasting time trying to comfort you for something that happened SEVEN YEARS AGO!!

~~thanks. thanks a MILLION.

3) One of my friends: Well, it wasn't REALLY r*pe since it wasn't as brutual as it is on SVU.

~~Yeah. Okay then. ALL R*PES ARE BRUTUAL.

4) Same friend (after I came to school with a big black eye & swollen face from my then b/f): WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE!?!?! DADDY COME BACK HOME?!?!

~~thanks, friend. First, draw everyone's attention to my face. Second, make it super clear to everyone that my dad used to beat me up. WONDER-FUL.

5) my then b/f (as he was hitting me): This hurts me more than it hurts you.

~~does it now?? You look to be enjoying yourself...

[Camellia]

"Is she putting herself in a situation where rape is more likely to happen?"

I can't write the words that come in my head whenever I remember this. It's too violent for the site.

But I'm sure you can figure them out.

I'm sorry you all.

Camellia

[silentlybroken]

Stupid/hurtful comment from my husband during one of the arguments where he bullies me into having sex...

HIM: whats the big problem - its not like its the end of the world, whats the hardship in just laying on your back?

ME: I just dont want to do it tonight and I dont see why I should have to do something that I really dont want to do

HIM: Well obviously I'm not special enough then. You let 'them' do it so why dont you let me. I wish you made me special like you made them special.

*'them' meaning my step-grandfather SA me when I was 5 and my ex getting his own way sexually before my husband (yes, he knows about them).

[SurvivingTheStorm]

Ame, Oh my God. That is horrible. And these people are supposed to HELP! ARGH! I'm so sorry she said that...how stupid and cruel. That should not have happened in a psych unit anyway! I'm so sorry you went through that...idiotic horrible people they were! You deserve so much better.