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Who Deserves to Be Here?


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It's me again, I hope I'm not "wearing out my welcome". But I have something to add regarding Grandma21's situation.

First of all, I'm really sorry for the pain you and your family are going through. I know it's difficult to try to decide how to handle situations like this, especially when both the victim and the abuser are part of your family. I've been there. I think I might jace a different perspective than some others for that reason.

Having said that, I am in complete agreement with TinyMagnolia. That little girl is the victim, and she deserves to have the full support of her family. She should not have to feel as though what she went thru was "experimentation" on the boy's part and she she get over it. I think it sounds like your brothers (regardless of age) are doing BOTH kids a disservice. Abuse victims blame themselves enough as it is. This brave little girl doesnt need to suffer for speaking out. The teenage boy needs serious help to keep him from being a lifetime predator. Studies show that most sexual predators abuse multiple victims before they're caught. It's entirely possible that he's hurt someone else or that his behavior will get worse if he doesn't get help. Maybe it's not too late for him to be rehabilitated. Regardless. I wouldn't want ANY child to be anywhere near him. Ever. Period.

I can tell you what happens when no one speaks up for the victim because that's what happened to my sister. When she finally told my mom, my mom didn't stand up for her against her abuser (who is her niece) and she never took any steps to keep her out of family get togethers. She acted like nothing was wrong. As a result, my sister stopped attending family gatherings altogether when she was a teenager. Now she's dead and the family who found out what happened after she died suffer all the time knowing she felt alone and unwelcome with her own family. Her abuser is still around, and no one has ever held her responsible. But she's an alcoholic and a drug addict who abandoned her own child because no one tried to help her either

It's too late for my family to ever be repaired, but it's not too late for you yet. So many lives have been ruined.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I am hoping I deserve to be here, this is my story and I hope that people can see what I went through and how it qualifies as abuse.

When I was 25 years old, I met a girl online. Lets call her JB. She was a HUGE fan of my writing (I write fan fiction and post it on the internet, I have a small following, nothing to really brag about but there are about fifteen people who read whatever I write no matter what it is) so JB private messages me through the site. We start talking, hit it off right away. She seems like the perfect girl for me and also she's a lesbian (or claims to be one) and I get so excited! Within a month she traveled from New York to Ohio to see me. She visited for a week and then a month later came back for the same amount of time. I thought I was in love with her, at the time I would have told you I was in love with her, we even promised to marry each other in the future. By August (we met the first time officially on the fourth of july) we were moved in together. She had dropped everything in her old life to come and live with me.

Within the first two days, things went horribly wrong. She started to prey on my guilt, going back on things she said she was okay with. For one, every time she visited for a week she knew I was a smoker and I smoked around her constantly. Now, all of the sudden, I wasn't allowed to do it, even though I was paying rent on the entire apartment. I still did it, but she designated areas of where I could do it and would complain constantly. We were both diagnosed with Boarderline Personality at the time and both on medicaions (hers were different from mine) but as I have worked hard in the past 3 years to become more mentally stable and end up having my doctors re-evaluate me and even say that I may not have had boarderling in the first place, I really don't know what is up with her. Not important now I suppose.

Within a week we had gotten in a huge fight, she found me cutting myself and called the cops, where she promptly told them I was threatening suicide (which I wasn't) and made sure to get me on a psych hold. At the time I would have said she was looking out for me and just didn't want me to hurt myself, although now I don't know exactly what her motives were at that point.

Things went on for a while. Slowly she isolated me from my family, and also demanded that I completely stop talking to a very good male friend of mine because she was threatened by the fact that he would get me nicer gifts than she could on special occasions because he had a better job. This guy I am talking about is seriously just a friend, I live in his house now, pay rent, nothing has ever happened between us relationship wise and nothing ever will. We are just friends. I knew him for about two years before I met her. She also wouldn't let me talk to my sisters and cut me off from my parents for the most part except when I told her that I absolutely needed to go to some function. I hate my parents anyway so it wasn't a huge deal but I know better than not to show up on Christmas or birthadays or other holidays. Oh and she only met my parents twice, she had paranoid delusions that they hated her (which they did not at the time0 and claimed that I shouldn't be able to see them or even want to see them if they hated the woman I loved.

When she had me isolated, she started demanding that she sit in on my sessions with my psychiatrist and that counseling for me became couple counseling for both of us. JB had a sharp tongue and a way of manipulating people that I do not posess. I am a manipulator, I won't deny that, but JB could do it on a level that I have never seen nor do I dream to attain because it's just brainwashingly evil what she does. In private she demanded that I get off the medication I was currently on and switch to other ones because in her opinion the medication I was on wasn't doing anything for me. She threatened to leave numerous times if I didn't do it, she also threatened to leave me if I didn't quit smoking. Not because of how it would affect me but she said I was killing her cat. (I have a cat too, she bought him for me as a gift, still have him....she never mentioned that I was hurting my cat).

She would also constantly berate me, tell me that I made myself out to be someone I was not on the internet, that I was way worse than any of her other girlfriends, and she restricted what I could listen to on my computer when she was around and what movies I could watch when she was around....although I was threatened into watching many things with her that didn't interest me because she preyed on the fact that I was so in love with her that she could threaten to leave if I didn't share the expereince with her. I am not saying she isn't allowed to like things I don't but I really didn't think it was fair she would emotionally blackmail me to get me to watch Glee and other musicals when I already told her I HATE musicals.

One night we were playing a karaoke game for PS2. It measured the pitch of your voice and awarded points based on how well you matched pitch. Well I smoked her in the game, which I didn't even want to play or try very hard at, but she got REALLY mad. Her dream in life is to be in musicals and be a stage performer and singer and all that. I have no interest in that whatsoever. I want to be a writer and completely behind the scenes. Oh and she really can't sing for crap, I took private vocal lessons when I was a lot younger and learned how to sing and breathe and all that but I never had any interest in persuing it....considering I am a smoker it should be obvious that I don't actually give a crap about my voice. I guess that she was set off by the fact that I didn't put much effort into singing and I still beat her and it was all she ever wanted to be able to do and I held a talent she would never have and that's when the insults started flying. Everything from me being selfish to me not being as good as Sam (her Ex) and anything inbetween. I got so mad I told her to get out and never come back. She said she had nowhere to go and would be staying. I told her I pay the rent. She said that her name was on the lease as well and could legally be there (Which was true even though I actually paid the entire rent).

From there things just went to hell. It was around that time that I was detoxing from my medication, AT her insistence and I was really sick for about three days and couldn't get out of bed. On the first day of this she told me to suck it up then decided she was going to drive home to New York to be with her dad for a while. We were already broken up and though I didn't really want her around I was REALLY sick and could barely do anything and she left me alone. I ended up in the ER severely dehydrated, having to call an ambulance and be there entirely alone because of the fact that no one in my life was talking to me at that point because of her. When she got back from New York she demanded that I take her off of the lease so she could move out. She had found a job at Cedar Point (how she landed this job I will NEVER know because she was WAY underqualified for it. It was a salary job not a minimum wage job so I don't get how she got it other than, like I said, she was a very good manipulater and could spin lies like I have never seen)

About a week before she moved out she told me that she never actually loved me. I asked her why she said it to me numerous times when I said it to her, having truly been in love with her all the times I had said it. She sai she just thought it was the appropriate thing to say. She went on to tell me that she just used me in order to get out of a bad situation in New York. She was living in a group home (I knew that when we first met) and she hated it there and she knew that I had the money and connections to get an apartment for the both of us so she just used me to get out. Then she said she had found a job anyway, didn't need me any more, and was basically done with me. I got her name off of the lease and thought I was done with her when she moved out. I was not.

Pretty soon the online conversations started and the e-mail an account hacking started, this went both ways we both did it to each other, I will not deny that I was also as volitile as her in the relationship. When I get pushed I push back but she took it to an extreme. I was in therapy, seeing my therapist about JB for a few weeks when I hacked into JBs Yahoo account because she had hacked into one of my accounts. Well it wasn't so much hacking as there was a time in the realtionship where I knew her passwords and she knew mine and both of us had failed to change our passwords at that point.

I found out that through e-mail she was talking to my therapist, STILL, and my therapist was responding to her which violates TONS of rules and probably laws. When I confronted my therapist with the information I had she flat out denied it. I told her I had seen the e-mails and I was not stupid. She said even if JB did contact her she wasn't allowed to talk to JB and I called BS on that because like I said, I had seen her e-mail responses. Quickly after that I stopped seeing that therapist all together, telling her basically that she was a horrible person. I switched agencies entirely so JB could not ever find out who I was seeing as a therapist. I have a new therapist now who I am very happy with by the way.

About a year ago, I got contacted by another girl on the same fan fiction site, who had read a small blurb I had posted about how one of my stories was being taken down because JB and I Co-wrote it together and I was not continuing it. At first I thought she was JB but now I know she's not as we have grown very close and plan to meet in a few months. However, this new girl did KNOW who JB was, and I was informed that JB did something very similar to a good friend of my new friend. As I dug more into things I was able to find a second woman that JB had done the same thing to. They both had very similar stories, that almost mirrored what I went through. It was crazy!

As I have moved on and learned to cope with what happened, I have found that almost everything JB told me in our relationship was a lie. Everything about her personal life, the only thing I am sure of is that she lived in a group home because I was contacted by them a few times after she moved out. She claimed her father molested her and she never wanted to live with him again, she would die before she did that, and now she is with him and has been living with him for a few years. She never told her father about who I was or what I supposedly meant to her, and she never let me talk to him or gave me information on how to contact him. She would jet off for weeks at a time to go see him (Or so she claims) and then come back. All of what I just described barely scratches the surface of what happened in our time together, I could literally write a book on that time period.

In any case, this post is long enough I just had to share what I went through. We almost came to physical blows once, but the thing about me is i will not hesitate to hit back, I have been assaulted in my life too many times to become a victim like that. Three seperate occasions of sexual assault brought me to that point and I think JB knew if she did end up hitting me I would fight back. I guess the worst part is she showed NO EMOTION through out the whole relationship except twice, when I am sure she was only crying because she wanted to manipulate me or other people. She never got angry or sad or depressed, NOTHING.....it is very eerie. Anyway, this post is long enough at this point. Do I deserve to be here?

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  • 8 months later...

I am new to forum...was abused as a 10yr old child. First time i have ever told anyone. It happened 43yrs ago. I am so relieved i found this forum. What i have read so far has validated feelings and thoughts i have held in for all those years. I do deserve to heal, it wasnt my fault. Thankyou good people.

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  • 2 months later...

I thought I didn't deserve to be here for a number of reasons:

  • Im a male, and men "don't get raped".
  • I was raped by a man who I was dating at the time; let's call him Christian Grey.
  • Christian was himself raped by a man. It was a particularly brutal rape, and no one had ever told me that rape isn't quantifiable on a "sliding scale"
  • It happened in my home, in my own bed, on a regular basis, and no one ever told me that rape happened outside of dark alleyways, or that the perps aren't always seedy men in trenchcoats.
  • I said yes every time we had sex because I either couldn't say no because of all the alcohol he fed me, or it lead to crying and manipulative behavior, such as...
  • Statements like "Real couples have sex the way I want to have sex!" and "If you reject me sexually, it means you must not love me. Why don't you love me?" and "I chose to do let you inside me, and it means you owe me." and the like.
  • He proposed to me, and I accepted, because it was in a situation where he knew (and admitted he knew) I couldn't say no
  • He spent an inordinate amount of time convincing me that he was right about everything.

My therapist has told me that, from my descriptions (which may be biased) that he suffers severely from borderline personality disorder. He was threatened by my intelligence, my social network, my (relative) financial security and job prospects for someone my age, the fact that I have hobbies that don't include him, and, in short, he wanted a pet, and I didn't want to be a pet. He hated my friends, my family, my dog, my house, and repeatedly tried to isolate me from everyone I know and everything I was familiar with. He was offended by the fact that I'm a feminist, my interest in gay history and cartoons, and would repeatedly diminish me whenever I expressed an interest in something he didn't understand or deem worthy.

Despite the fact that I know it's his fault, that I know I'm safe in my own house, that I'm on medication and seeing a therapist on a weekly basis, I'm still afraid most of the time. He knows where I live, he knows where my parents and friends live, and I'm constantly scared that he'll

The worst part is that so many of the friends I met through him are angry with me because they don't know or won't listen when I tell them: I'm just the asshole who broke the heart of a rape survivor and a recovering abuse victim. I don't know what to do. I never know what to do. It's all so confusing, especially because I still love him. When I broke the engagement, I did it not because of the rape or the abuse, but because he's truly better off without me. He'll be happier with someone else who doesn't mind these behaviors. For some people, being held down during sex won't qualify as rape. For some people, not having to think about money or anything relating to self-preservation or care won't qualify as abuse. I'm just not one of those people. I feel like I should be grateful to him, despite what he did, and I can't understand why I hurt so much inside.

I was going for a cohesive end to this post, and it seems I have failed. :P

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One of my biggest hurdles in trying to deal with an event in my life that was so traumatic, is the reoccurring question of how to define it or if it was bad enough for me to be upset over.

It seems the is so much social stigma around sexual abuse and sexual violence it really becomes hard to know how to think about it.

My story:

When I was 17 my brother who is an alcoholic used to sneek into my room at night and masterbate to me while I slept. I woke up to him many times doing this and tried to tell my mom what was happening. She did nothing and he continued to come into my room at night. This went on for months until I decided to move out and live with a friend.

The thing is he never touched me. He never raped me. But I still feel so horrible about what happened.

Is this sexual abuse? Am I overreacting? I just feel like I cannot be angry or upset because "nothing ever really happened".

Please let me know if I deserve to be here.


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Hello Klane,

I think that it is a common theme for survivors to not know how to define there experiences or what have bought them here to the board, I agree that there is a real stigma and silence surrounding sexual abuse and violence. You are so brave for reaching out, I hope that you will feel able to contact me if you have any questions or would like help navigating the board.


Take gentle care


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Thanks for your quick response. I just feel horrible today and needed to make contact with someone I thought might understand.

Feeling lost, betrayed and frozen in the emotions that come with all of this. This site has really helped:)

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What an amazing site full of beautiful people. I never knew such a precious resource existed.

Youre all gorgeous. I was raped as a virgin.. And put it into a little box and buried it.. Then 10 yes later after never being hit my boyfriend of 3 yrs broke into my hoise and attacked me for 3 hrs... He got 6 months for 23 charges.. Then i was asked to retestify because the cops were afraid for me. He got 25 months added.

Everything poured out like a tsunami.

And ive always been logical. It took me a year to realize that emotional healing is irrational.

Youre ok. Youre sad. Youre suicidal. Youre happy.

And it all starts over.

I wish i saw this site earlier.

Theres comfort in numbers. And an ignorant misconception that rape and abuse is rare.. And only effects a certain class.

Not true.

Im not "fixed" but ive had quite a learning experience.

If anyone ever wants to reach out pls do


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Klane, you princess.

How humble you are to ask if u deserve to be here.

That just proves that bad things happen to good ppl.

Thats an incredible story. I cant imagine how u feel.

Its not less severe bc it wasnt physical. It was ur brother.

He obviously wasnt in his right mind. And physical wounds arent more severe.

Physical wounds heal. Its the mind that is most effected.

Its so important to talk to ppl who share ur pain..

No ones experience is that same but the pain is the same.

It will get better. Its rly slow but it will. Xx

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I am so grateful to see I am not the only one who questioned if what happened to me was abuse and how to define it. I was abused by my older sister and have just finally realized it. She was 8 yrs older than me and was 14. Thank you. This is the first time I have told anyone.

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I needed to read this today, thank you x

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Thank you all for your posts and encouragement. I've been struggling so much lately and it really helps to feel that I am not crazy or alone. It's so hard for me to feel justified in being angry or upset. I feel it was my fault because I didn't fight back-- I was silent-- I am so angry at myself.

Im just angry, confused, angry, confused...trying to rationalize these irrational feelings away. I just need to know that it is ok to be upset.

How do I know if it is?

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Pita, I am not quite sure how to say this, but I feel proud of you! It's so hard to come forth with truths that fall silent... It is wonderful that you have spoken up about what happened.

Hugs n ??

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  • 3 weeks later...

Illyrias, as a fellow male survivor, I know just what you mean about the way society makes it all somehow our fault. At the same time though, I've reached a point where I see all of what society tells us as the load of crap it is. You totally deserve to be here - we both do - and I hope you get the support you need here.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello all. My name is Maggie...My grandaughter was molested by her papaw. This just happened last month on the 11th. It has really tore the whole family apart. our grandaughter lives with us. Since all this came out he had to move! Now it is just she and I. It has been a rollercoaster ride ro say the least. She is getting theripy and doing well. Me on the other hand am losing my mind. i have gone from anger towards him, to blaming myself, to anger towards my grandaughter...shock, dis belief, denial. Uggggggg I am so upset and confused,,

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  • 5 weeks later...

Hi Maggie, i'm so sorry to hear about what happened. I'm so proud of you for supporting your granddaughter, it must be so difficult to have been the spouse of the person who molested her. I really encourage you to seek therapy yourself. It's completely natural for you to be going through the phases of anger and denial that you're going through, and a therapist can help you make sense of it all so that you're not so hard on yourself and can heal more quickly, and in turn be there for your granddaughter, free of resentment. I wish all the best for you.

I also just wanted to respond to the original post. I deeply appreciate it because my biggest struggle has been doubting that my abuse was "bad enough" to warrant all my pain, but I just have one criticism. In the list you made of who deserves to be here, you clearly started with what's conventionally considered to be the "most severe" case of sexual violence and ended with what's conventionally considered the "least severe". I'm not sure if that was your intention, but it seems to undermine the point you're making by still creating a pecking order. If I had written this post, I would have intentionally mixed up the order to further make the point that we cannot compare pain. I don't mean to be nitpicky, it's just that as someone extremely sensitive to people minimizing what happened to me, your list took away from the truth of your beautiful message (which I do deeply appreciate).

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This is amazing, and what gave me courage to join this site. Thank you.

I am so confused about what happened to me and how I have twisted the events in my mind for the last 9 years since it happened. I have never told anyone and am so filled with shame. I want to learn to move beyond this, because stuffing it down isn't working anymore.

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Thank you so much for this thread.

I was assaulted at a friend's house and after, a lot of the people who knew him told me I could have stopped him, that it wasn't assault, that he thought I "wanted it", I could have stopped him if I tried harder, ect. Those people still hang out with him and I wonder if they actually believed me about what happened if they'd still talk to him. I was assaulted a few months ago but I'm ready to reach out now and try to heal.

The bottom line is that no one deserves to be touched if they do not want to be and it's horrible that our society doesn't see it like that.

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  • 1 month later...

Thank you for this so much. I really needed to hear that! Intellectually I tell myself these things but its just so hard to "feel" that it's true yet, but I hope someday that gets better too. :yay:

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Thank you for all these posts and for creating this website. I admire how open and brave all these compassionate people are. I already feel better reading story after story. I only realized 2 days ago that I wasn't alone, and this reinforces that even more.

I'm totally new to this and am a little frightened but I know it's important. I remembered a year ago that I was sexually abused at least once by my camp counselor when I was about 6 or 7. I remember hazy things, like the look of the walls, and his figure, and so much loneliness and pain. I don't know where to begin with how to deal with it. I fought it for so long. My therapist said that I had cognitive dissonance, because I didn't understand the event and so created a whole belief system surrounding it, to compensate for the pain, leading myself to alienation and some unhealthy coping mechanisms. Mostly I just feel bewilderment and pain. I don't want to feel alone forever. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories; it means a lot to me and I'm sure to a lot of other people. And thank you for reading this post.


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Thanks for posting this! Since I started talking about what happened to me 15 years ago, my mom's just been minimizing it, which has been very though for me. Fortunately my therapist understands me and takes me seriously.

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Hi everyone!

I'm copying Jes's original post here to use her wise words to underline the fact you are not alone and you do deserve to be here!

Posted 27 May 2006 - 04:58 PM This was another thread I made that gotten eaten, so I've reposted smile.gif

So many survivors have expressed to me that their wounds have been minimized by friends and loved ones, who may have told them to get over it, since it happened so long ago, or that it was not a big deal. Other friends may have asked questions like "Why didn't you fight" or "Why were you walking there in the first place?" These doubtful statements and questions only serve to minimize our pain and make us feel as though we do not have a right to feel as we do. It is unfortunate, but sometimes when we reach out for help, we find that our friends and families are not there.

Some of us struggle with minimizing our own experiences. Validating ourselves can be difficult. It's hard to admit that what happened has affected us. Sometimes we look at other people's experiences, judge them to be worse than our own and think we should not feel as badly as we do because othes have had it much worse than we have. I've talked to other survivors who doubt their memories of abuse, which makes the healing process more difficult for them.

Each of our experiences are unique and our reactions to them are just as individual. A friend of mine gives the wise advice, "Honor your process." Honoring our processes is to accept our feelings as legitimate and justified. If you are here because you are healing, I hope that you will honor yourself and your feelings. We all deserve to heal.

Who Deserves to Heal

If you were gang raped, you deserve to heal.

If you were raped once, you deserve to heal.

If you have been raped more than, you deserve to heal.

If someone has sexually assaulted you, you deserve to heal.

If it was attempted rape, you deserve to heal.

If it was your husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend who raped you, you deserve to heal.

If it wasn't rape, if it was unwanted and inappropriate touching, you deserve to heal.

If you did not fight or scream, you deserve to heal.

If you were drugged or too intoxicated to give consent, you deserve to heal.

If you did not say no, but indicated through your actions that you were unnwilling, you deserve to heal.

If you are a man who has been sexually assaulted, you deserve to heal.

If it happened ten or twenty or thirty years ago, you deserve to heal.

If it was incest, you deserve to heal.

If you barely remember it, you deserve to heal.

If you were sexually harrassed, you deserve to heal.

If you are someone who supports, you deserve to heal.

That's all there is to it.

I've met people who have the feelings that their rape was not a particularly "bad rape". My rape was not a physically violent rape. I was only conscious of being raped for a few seconds and when I realized it, my boyfriend violently beat my rapist. He was the only one who got hurt.

It didn't make any difference to me. I had still been raped. It still hurt on the inside. I needed to heal.

The degree of the rape, abuse or assault doesn't matter. We feel many of the same emotions. And we all deserve to heal from them.

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  • 2 months later...

Thank you for this post. It was difficult for me to accept my PTSD diagnosis. I thought it was for'real victims' not someone like me.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I am new to Pandy's and I am still a little apprehensive. But this post has really helped me. I just need to remember everyday that I deserve to heal. Thank you so much for posting this.

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