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Who Deserves to Be Here?


Jes
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this post actually made me cry. I am so hard on myself, sometimes thinking I don't deserve to heal because I didn't fight back with my father. I let him buy me things, I let him buy my silence. Maybe I do deserve to heal. Thank you for this post.

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SurvivingTheStorm

This is a great post...I read it again. I need the reminder that I deserve to be here no matter what happened... :hug:

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Wow, that is so powerful and I found it very comforting. I just got here and am new to the site and I already feel at home.

I am sure all of you know how it feels when someone tells you to "just get over it and move on". I do know that this comment comes from those who have no idea what we all have been through in our lives....The person in my life that says it over and over is my own Mother.....I don't get angry anymore when she says it but I do feel pity for her because she has her own Hell that she has lived through. My own mother decided to stay with the man who molested me for 6 years instead of telling him to leave the home.....I have my own love hate relationship with my mother.

I do know that I am worth as much in this world as the next person but this has taken years to achieve. I look forward to being on the site and glad I found it. And, I am glad I had this message to read as one of the first.....

Pam

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  • 2 weeks later...
green_eyed_girl

Thank you I needed that so much today. I just joined today and told my story to my fiance this weekend, the first time I had told anyone. We're having a hard time getting through it.

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  • 4 weeks later...
NekoNeko79

It's good to read everyone else's experiences. It makes me feel a little less vulnerable about posting mine.

Mine is... well, how do I describe it? When I think about it I feel sick, stupid, & ashamed. I feel like I should have done something or said something to keep it from happening. I feel like it isn't as "valid" as other people's b/c some people haven't believed me.

When I was younger, my older sister would sexually molest my little sister & I. It wasn't a sexual thing, I know that. She liked having us under her control. She'd randomly come up to us & grab our breasts calling it "squeekaing our boobies". She'd brainwash us one after the other into holding the other down so she could do whatever she wanted. She'd persuade one of us to hold the other down so she could try to shove her fingers inside of us, saying things she thought was funny such as "in goes the choo choo". Then she'd play us off the other & get the other one of us to hold the other one down another day (it could be a few months later or a few days later) or tie the other person up. When I think of the times she manipulated me into doing that to my sister, it makes me physically ill. For a while I deteriorated into self harm b/c I feel like that is what I deserve for not standing up to her & refusing to do help her, but God help me... at the time I was just so grateful that it wasn't me she was doing it to. I've talked to my little sister about it & she's forgiven me for it her reasoning was the same as mine. She did it so it wouldn't be her that time.

When she wasn't abusing us sexually, it was emotional abuse (sometimes physical). She'd sometimes take a swing at us or call us names. She loved getting other people to do her work for her, since that was she could stand back & claim that it wasn't her fault. I remember that she loved to take what few friends I did have & turn them against me as well. I also remember how she'd get her friends to stand around & taunt me, only to make some half-assed rescue later so she could feel superior. At first I thought it was her finally acting like a sister, until I came up behind her one day as she was cruelly mocking me to her friends. Even so, half of the things they said in public weren't nearly as bad as what she'd say at home. Her favorite story was that my parents picked me up out of a pigpen & that my mother was a sow. I remember her getting my little sister to join in & circle around me yelling "Sow, sow, you mother was a sow!" My dad & stepmom both worked, so they were never at home for this. My mom was in California & my grandparents were in another city.

As for anyone believing me, at that point my older sister knew how to work the system. She was little miss good grades & band camp. I'd fallen into such deep depression that I just gave up on everything & spent all my time in my room. You would have thought that my dad or stepmom would have picked up on that, but every time I tried to complain, my sis turned it around to where it was my fault & that I was just trying to cause problems. I could never win an argument. Eventually I just learned to deal with it by denying it. If I pretended like yesterday afternoon didn't happen, eventually I would forget it. It almost worked. Finally, my dad asked me if my older sister had molested my sister & I... and I was so thorougly brainwashed that I said no.

Now I'm 28 & I haven't had a successful relationship ever. I can't have sex without freaking out, so I'm still a virgin. It's so bad that it's to the point that I SPOILER, highlight to show content

can't even masturbate without having a panic attack. I'm hiding that part b/c I know that some people might get offended by that. I'm finally getting to the point when I'm admitting that I need therapy, but I still feel ashamed. Part of me tells myself that I don't deserve treatment & that I'm just "looking for attention". Even as I type this, I feel like I should delete this since the whole thing is "me, me, me" & that the only person who deserves to write anything is my little sister. I look at other people's posts & I don't feel like I have the right to post anything.

I don't know anymore.

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  • 4 weeks later...
nowIunderstand

Here goes my first post.

For me, negative and unsupportive reactions from friends and loved ones was an experience I was not prepared for.

I feel silenced. My fear of being minimized and silenced is driving me crazy.

My boyfriend appears to lately come around though. I has been seven months since I first got flashbacks of an assault which happened to me three years earlier. I had blocked out the memory of it. I have been very frustrated by his lack of initiative to educate himself on how to be supportive of me. He finally is reading books I gave him and seems to become more sensitive to my needs. I realize I still feel a lot of anger towards him, for what I perceived as his minimizing of my experience. hmm, I didn't mean to get distracted by talking about him right now, though.

I wrote an article about my experience of being a sexual assault survivor. I finally feel it is "good enough" to put it out in the world. And, I'm experiencing dread at the thought of publishing it somewhere online, or mailing it out to the social circles of the perpetrator. I have emailed it to friends and acquintances. I had positive and not so positive remarks about it.

I'm worried about chickening out.

It was very helpful to me to read some books about secondary victimization: specifically "the second rape" and the "second assault" can't give names of authors right now, since I lent the books to my boyfriend to read at the moment.

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pandoraspal26

I agree with you all, EVERYONE has the right to be here. Each of us in our own way, need to heal. It is hard for everyone. I am just a supporter, but rape has affected our family. I think the hardest part for me is seeing what is going on. We have alot of pain in our family, but in different ways. I don't know what to do. My mom tries to help and be their for my step-sister, but she shuts my mom out. Then at school, she tells lies about what is really happening. Things that are serious, but she acts like it's no big deal. They are not thing to lie about or joke about because they are so serious. I mean like telling people she doesn't eat. We come home and she eats twice as much as everyone else does. Is this even healthy? or is it because she wants attention? I am so sorry for what happened, and we are there for her, but she acts fine at home and shuts us out. Then i heard one day her telling a teacher her mom don't care about her and blames her for it, which is a BIG LIE. This hurts my mom because she really wants to help her, bu :( t she is making it very difficult. These are just some things thats going on and I don't know what to do.

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  • 1 month later...
tinkertots

:D Thank You So Much For That!

Its So Nice To Join Somewhere, Where People Understand What Your Going Through!

I Always Think To Myself...Eeee Was It My Fault, But Reading That Has Helped Me Alot :)

Everyone Take Care

xxx

(((Hannah)))

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  • 9 months later...
chargerbandnerd
:rolleyes: this post is truely uplifiting for me. I constantly have those people who discredit me or make me feel like what happened to me was not a big deal and they are my friends, i didnt tell my family. Reading the words, i deserve to heal makes me feel better. Now i just have to believe that it and let myself. Its hard when i always think its my fault.
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Alicedoesntlivehere

I was violently raped nearly 40 years ago, when I was 16. (I am new here and don't know if that statement is a "trigger" or not. Please forgive me if it is.) I never told anyone until a few weeks ago. I keep thinking that because I am very good at blocking it out, that I have healed. I have come to the point where I realize that denial does not equal healing. I have some very self-defeating and people-distancing behaviors that I have never been able to change or get past, and I think it is the toxins from the not healing that are seeping out into my life in other ways.

I have often felt like I had waited too long to try to work on healing. But I have come to see that if I don't start healing, I will never be able to overcome the self-defeating behaviors that I have.

Thank you for telling me I deserve to heal, even though it has been 40 years. Even though I never told anyone when I should have. Even though I let the creep get by with it. Even though I have terrible shame about it. Even though, even though, even though . . .

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Even though..... You belong here! :) I am so sorry for what happened to you 40 yrs. ago..... No one deserves what happened to you and I am so glad you found us here and we all are here for you as you begin the long journey to healing. Thank you for sharing with us.

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  • 2 months later...
mockingbird

Thanks for posting this - I needed to be reminded.

-mockingbird

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Brunetteguardchic

Thank you so much for posting this. I honestly felt stupid for being on here because it happened so long ago and there was nothing I could do but that made me feel so much better

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Hello Jes,Found this site by accident yesterday, and still trying to find my way around. Your post was so touching it made me cry. I have tried for 40 years to minimise and block out feelings and try to be the strong person I'm sure I am underneath all the hurt. Reading the stories on your boards is truly heart breaking, and has triggeredsome very buried emotions. I believe I've found the place I've been needing to start to deal with and rebuild my life. Thank you for for voicing what I have been thinking for years, and not been able to put into words.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yes,

Thanks for reposting Jes.

J

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Jes-

Thank you soo much for that. It pretty much was the epitome of how I felt...and somehow the words coming from you is making me actually start to believe them.

*hugs* if ok

<3 Hannah

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ok so this is my first post.

I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to heal and for that reason, not quite sure if I deserve to be here as my actions disgust me. It happened 3 years ago and I wouldn't let meself belive it as I was intoxicated at the time and sort of blacked out, although now I beleive that its a mental block but I told myself it never happen. That night I had my innocence stolen from me. My way of dealing with it was to prove to myself I was strong by letting men use me. Therefore the reason I'm disgusted in myself. I want to heal and have never seaked help before I found this website whilst reasing 'diva' magazine and the only person I have confided in is my current partner who I dont think beleives me. My only way of coping so far has been self harm which I never want to turn to again. Do I deserve to be here?

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  • 2 weeks later...
Hey Princess, thanks for sharing that story.

...For rape survivors, we often think, "Why did I get in the car with him?" "Why did I go to that party?" "Why did I get drunk?" This is risky business, this second-guessing of our actions. We can second-guess all day long, but the bottom line is that we would not have been raped had our rapist chosen to be decent instead of an asshole. The buck stops there...

But the absolute bottom line is this:

Only one person makes the choice to rape. There are things we can do to protect ourselves, but the only person who can prevent rape is the rapist him or herself. Bad decisions, good decisions, to me it doesn't matter. We should be able to live our lives, we should be able to trust our neighbors. Rapists should not rape. Period.

I included the parts of this quote that meant a great deal to me. I am experiencing traumatic flashbacks from a rape that happened when I was 19 over 40 years ago. I completely blocked the experience and it is coming back now. It feels as if the rape just happened. The man used a knife and I got severely injured in the melee. I am kicking myself for going out with him to an isolated place. He was a handsome and charming man who proposed beer, a picnic and a swim at a lake. At the time I thought it was a great idea. I loved to swim and loved the woods. I was an athletic and active kid. I did not realize how dangerous this could be. When we got there I found myself in an isolated wooded area miles from no where. I wished that rapist had made a different decision and offered me beer, a lot of laughs and fun in the water. Instead he made a very different decision -- the one I am trying to get through now.

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JewelsandTewels

Thank you, I very much needed to read this tonight.

I do think my abuse "wasnt as bad as others" and I do think "it has been 30 years aog I should be over it"

I have doubted my memories, but having attended my 30th grade school reunion recently, I was reminded by two close friends that I even tried to tell them after my mom would ot help me, but we were oly 12 so none if us knew what to do. I WAS ONLY TWELVE!!!!!!! No 30 something year old man should ever have been touching a TWELVE YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL !!!!!!!!!

IM OK - HE IS THE CRAZY ONE !!! IM GOING TO BE OK !!!!

For so many years, I pushed it off thinking I was crazy to let it bother me, but that idiot hurt me and its OK that I HURT! It is NORMAL that I HURT!

AND ITS OK THAT I AM MAD AT MY MOM FOR NOT HELPING ME!! IM OK - IM THE NORMAL ONE!

Dealing with this is harder than I thought it would be. I pray a lot these days and listen to Joyce Meyers talk. It keeps me from wanting to end my life. It gets so tiring sometimes, but I am going to keep going and I am going to be BETTER some day !!!

My alcoholic husband one time forced himself on me. Yes, I am still married to him. I went to a counselor once who told me that "I should be able to get over the fact that he only forced himself on me once" Well you know what??? IM REALLY NOT OVER THAT EITHER !!!!! and I dont think I need to be!!!!! Its ok and good to forgive(maybe) and move on, but its also ok that I HURT because of his cruel actions when intoxicated !!!

I am not sure where I will be q year from now, but I know that starting to deal with this, means I am on the road to recovery and feelign better about myself.

I will pray for everyone out there hurting !!

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