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Who Deserves to Be Here?


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7 hours ago, Jazz101 said:

Promises are made too be broken .

I'm sorry that has been your experience. It isn't true for everyone.

We aren't going to give up on you, Jazz.

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 7/25/2020 at 5:25 PM, Annafar said:

Thanks for posting this. I am feeling a lot of rage and yet unable to speak to my loved ones for all the reasons you mention above. I wish I could express how it feels, felt, whatever to them eloquently and calmly but I never manage it and the more isolated I feel watching their response to me, the less I am inclined to try for human connection. 

  You have every right to feel angry. Believe me I understand how hard it is to not shut people out, but you deserve support and to be listened to and understood. 

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  • 3 months later...
On 5/27/2006 at 4:58 PM, Jes said:

This was another thread I made that gotten eaten, so I've reposted :)

So many survivors have expressed to me that their wounds have been minimized by friends and loved ones, who may have told them to get over it, since it happened so long ago, or that it was not a big deal. Other friends may have asked questions like "Why didn't you fight" or "Why were you walking there in the first place?" These doubtful statements and questions only serve to minimize our pain and make us feel as though we do not have a right to feel as we do. It is unfortunate, but sometimes when we reach out for help, we find that our friends and families are not there.

Some of us struggle with minimizing our own experiences. Validating ourselves can be difficult. It's hard to admit that what happened has affected us. Sometimes we look at other people's experiences, judge them to be worse than our own and think we should not feel as badly as we do because othes have had it much worse than we have. I've talked to other survivors who doubt their memories of abuse, which makes the healing process more difficult for them.

Each of our experiences are unique and our reactions to them are just as individual. A friend of mine gives the wise advice, "Honor your process." Honoring our processes is to accept our feelings as legitimate and justified. If you are here because you are healing, I hope that you will honor yourself and your feelings. We all deserve to heal.

Who Deserves to Heal

If you were gang raped, you deserve to heal.

If you were raped once, you deserve to heal.

If you have been raped more than, you deserve to heal.

If someone has sexually assaulted you, you deserve to heal.

If it was attempted rape, you deserve to heal.

If it was your husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend who raped you, you deserve to heal.

If it wasn't rape, if it was unwanted and inappropriate touching, you deserve to heal.

If you did not fight or scream, you deserve to heal.

If you were drugged or too intoxicated to give consent, you deserve to heal.

If you did not say no, but indicated through your actions that you were unnwilling, you deserve to heal.

If you are a man who has been sexually assaulted, you deserve to heal.

If it happened ten or twenty or thirty years ago, you deserve to heal.

If it was incest, you deserve to heal.

If you barely remember it, you deserve to heal.

If you were sexually harrassed, you deserve to heal.

If you are someone who supports, you deserve to heal.

That's all there is to it.

I've met people who have the feelings that their rape was not a particularly "bad rape". My rape was not a physically violent rape. I was only conscious of being raped for a few seconds and when I realized it, my boyfriend violently beat my rapist. He was the only one who got hurt.

It didn't make any difference to me. I had still been raped. It still hurt on the inside. I needed to heal.

The degree of the rape, abuse or assault doesn't matter. We feel many of the same emotions. And we all deserve to heal from them.

love this, ive been raped multiples by men and felt like a terrible person afterwards. Thank you for sharing this.

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Guest memberpending

It is nice to see that " if you barely remember it" is in here. I spent 13 years kind of confused about certain things until little pieces of being molested started to come back to me and even then I was unsure what to do about it because I was in denial, totally believing it to be a false memory or something that I heard about happening to someone else. I still think that sometimes and feel very untethered to my body when it comes up, but then again I wouldn't so insanely panic whenever I try and delve deeper if nothing had actually happened.

I am just now, a total of 16 years later even speaking to people about it because when I first tried to explain it the reception I got was kind of cold and uncomfortable. But anyways, thank you for including that. It makes me feel less crazy.

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Guest SBug

  Hi guys, I’m sorry I got upset like that and I know it’s not the same thing as rape I can’t even imagine your pain. I just can’t find a section on here related to this type of assault. So… apparently he made me have orgasms but he’s over clothes or more like through… and got on me and kept making that happen until I couldn’t feel my body or down there… then I came out of the dissociation and he saw me I looked at him he just sighed looked away and finished. Then I had a panic attack and he got mad at me for not enjoying myself. I was… wet.  And I thought I wasn’t clear enough and I felt nothing emotionally and it was still like nothing was real. He sounded exhausted…  It was humiliating. I really thought I did something to cause it because I thought he’d never purposely make me feel humiliated. Most of it was blocked out but the rest I thought was my fault and I have ptsd now years later… apparently what he did is called sexual abuse… and I blocked it out because it was so horrific. 

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5 hours ago, Guest SBug said:

and I blocked it out because it was so horrific. 

This is a protective response and completely understandable in this situation. What he did to you was very wrong. You will find support for such traumas here if you'd like to sign up for membership. 


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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest Anonymoususer

I am a survivor of incest and your post made me cry. I feel like I am not as valid as other victims because it was incest. I was assaulted on one other occasion and by someone who was not my family member and I even view that as more valid than my own childhood trauma. I just joined today and you've made me feel like I belong. Thank you. 

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  • 3 months later...

I don’t know how to aboard this subject.

An instructor attempted to touch me, I froze in place and he couldn’t touch other than my back and what he took off of me. 
I was 19.

at 21, went out with a friend to drink, had too much and couldn’t drive. Called another “friend”. Still remember him saying “I know I shouldn’t, but…” this “friend” was a college teacher, about 7-10 years older. 

I couldn’t walk, couldn’t move, couldn’t open my eyes. But I remember everything, the feeling, what he did. 

I’ve felt guilty, for years. I’m 25 now. I can’t enjoy sex, at all. I used to be able, under the influence of alcohol and/or weed, but last night I confirmed, I just can’t. 

I wrote this last night: 
I disassociate. It starts to hurt, Learn their behavior and pray they finish faster  and be done with it. Starts to feel like a Job, Self turn off/on. No matter how much trust, how much “communication” (specially because I start just answering what they want to hear) 

After my SA, I had to be high or drunk or both to “enjoy” it.

Today I’m not even interested anymore.

Or maybe just in theory, the act in real life disgusts me.

Is it my PTSD?


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Guest Traylor

I am new here. I am a 43 yo mom of 5. I am divorcing my h of 25 yrs. I found out abt 7 urs ago that he molested my little sister who was six at the time of the molestation. She is 32 now. He raped me for years and I'd seen some inappropriate conduct between he and his sister and between he and our older daughters. I was in shock. I talked to my girls. One said a few things that he'd done but they were boundary violations similar to his family. We we're part of super small, super conservative cult. My kids begged me not to leave saying that he'd not acted inappropriately in along time. I tired so hard to bc I didn't understand abuse, had never heard of grooming, and didn't want me kids to have a broken home. I truly didn't believe he had a sexual interest in children, but I did believe he needed help to know what was appropriate. More things came out little by little over the years. He was a chronic mastubator, and I walked in on him more times than I can count. Our youngest has nonverbal autism, and she is what drove me to keep asking questions. Believe it or not, counselors agreed with him and validated him. In the meantime, I struggled between intense rage and intense love. I thought I was crazy. Now I know it was trauma. I finally went to the church elders about 3 yrs ago. They said I couldn't divorce bc he "didn't fit the profile of a pedohile". Then I found out abt yrs of porn use. This told me this man was indeed sexually deviant and a prolific liar. I was still denied a divorce and my children have tried to passive aggressively cut me out of the family. I finally contacted a lawyer a year ago. I had to take my youngest and move out bc he kept raping me and would do things like give her a bath while I was asleep. You can imagine all the abuse coming from a very,very good covert narcissist (financial abuse, stalking, telling lies abt me, intimidation, etc) but the worse part is that my kids side with him!!! Even knowing he molested my sister and one of his won daughters when they were six yo,asturbating after wrestling in the bed with them, and skinnydipping often when I wasn't around. They believe he's changed and that I'm being unforgiving. They've said some really nasty cruel things to me like I don't deserve alimony (after 25 yrs of being a SAHM), I don't deserve to be remarried, I'm manipulative, and on and on. They live with him. Keep in mind not only did he abuse them, but he was never ever there as a parent. Ever, not even in the hospital when they were dying. But I'm the bad guy. Here's the kicker. He counterfiled saying I was an unfit mother and he wanted custody of the two minor children, but he gave me full custody of the special needs daughter. He also said I could work and didn't deserve alimony or attorney fees (I'm disabled and I'm divorcing him bc of his sexual pevertedness). I'm really,really,really struggling. If I was not financially dependent on him, I would walk away from them all. I love my kids, but I can't take abuse from, too. I ca t take that they believe I should be having g sex with a man that has abused them, molested my sister and raped me for 25 yrs. I want to puke. 

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Hi Traylor. I am sorry you have been through so much. That is a lot of painful things to have to deal with. It is terrible that your husband has not only abused you but also abused and manipulated your children. I hope that in time they can see the truth about their father. It sounds like you are doing what you can to keep you and your special needs daughter safe. Sending you lots of support.

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