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Hello Abbeyjoy,

Welcome :)

Good for you for taking steps in our recovery and coming forward! I thought that you might like to check out the book forum there are discussions for healing books. I hope that you will find the books that you are looking for

Lucy :)

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  • 7 months later...

Hello all,

I am new to this site but have been following it for a few weeks. I am a sexual assault survivor and have been working intensively within the last year to heal. After lots of work I can see manifestations of growth within many facets of my life. Thank you for the opportunity to find support and to share within a safe and supportive forum. I am very much looking forward to taking the next steps in my journey!

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  • 7 months later...

I am a mom to three little boys.

Abused from toddler to teen by my grandfather.

New here because I can't carry this alone any longer...and I want to heal.

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Hi Desertfox,

Welcome! You may want to visit our "Introduce Yourself" forum found here. :)

hug.gifhug.gifhug.gif

Peace to you,

Susan

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hello everyone, Im new here.

From Scotland. Really need some healing space just now.

So hi all and look forward to getting to know you xx

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  • 1 year later...

As a mother of a young child who disclosed in September I had no where to go. So many people (all parents themselves) are so quick to dismiss him but I cannot.

I hope if one of their children said somthing they will listen and have the balls to do somthing. I have lost friends and family over my choice to believe him... he's 4 years old I should believe him first

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi ccr,

Well done for reaching out! None of us should remain silent or try to handle abuse alone. Take your time and share when you're ready. We'll be here listening and supporting you!

hug.gifhug.gifhug.gif

Peace to you,

Susan

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  • 1 month later...

Hai... Is this thread still on?

Well just wanna say so happy to find this community.. where i can find other people who can understand...

the first time i was assaulted was when i 5yr old by my cousin.. after that when i was about my 25of age by a partner for a long time.. even until now i still have doubts if i named it a harrassment n rape or not. But he ripped the very existance of me.. im loosibg myself, made me cry every night n hate myself...

Now in the age of 32 i dont feel like having a support system, i've told 1friend about it, but she dont believe.. that hurt me so much.. maybe because i lived in a country that dont have much knowledge about 'even a partner can rape'.. or maybe people just dont want to hear... well i stop having hope to share my 'story' until i found pandy.. even writing this make me feel a little bit better.. thank you

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  • 9 months later...
DaughterNoMore

Today, it is 26 months since I watched my bpd/npd mom die of her 6th narcotics international overdose. My family of origin has effectively blown itself as up into pieces. My elderly dad & rwo brothers are violent. I live in my own home away from them. I used to be resilient & left their upscale home the say I graduated hs. I became very successful & got my own identity. I went became the golden child. Then, I got a rare fatal illness  (well!, I'm still here!) & fit stuck in "my always real home" for medical care & became an abused hostage.no one wanted to get involved. I was too weak to leave. I was malnourished, dehydrated , had injuries, & afraid for my life if I left my room. I'll try to say more later. i believe I have Stockholm syndrome/trauma bonds. I miss my dad and fear one of us will die & not know. I miss the image of the mom I thought grew up with me. It's irrational. I just want real parents who love me. That's as far as I can go now. I hope I finally found people who understand what it's like to be an adult child still abused or re-abused. I can't get over the shock of what happened & the loss I never imagined. The ppl I thought they became were a lie and yet I put them first all the time to end up alone, traumatized, & grieving  when  I need them most. I have to find my resilience again ..I did survive & I did leave and an safe now: I hurt. I was doing better but this weekend is just going badly. Thx  & sorry for typos 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm a wounded healer. I have my masters in mental health counseling and work as a therapist. Daily, I doubt if I am healthy enough to do this work but it is work that I love. As a therapist, I am triggered often. I understand very well the impact of what I've been through but I haven't healed from it. I've kept it sectioned off in the basement of consciousness and memories burst through daily, unexpected, freight trained by a flashback. I do not have a community and I isolate. People often say that forgiveness is part of the process but I cannot and will not forgive what was done to me. I try and blame the action and not the man. But I keep seeing him in the darkest corners and moments of my day. I have been silenced for so long and have so longed for a community. I am new to all of this and grateful that it exists.

 

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  • 1 year later...
  • 1 month later...
On 15/02/2016 at 5:01 PM, Mybabies said:

As a mother of a young child who disclosed in September I had no where to go. So many people (all parents themselves) are so quick to dismiss him but I cannot.

I hope if one of their children said somthing they will listen and have the balls to do somthing. I have lost friends and family over my choice to believe him... he's 4 years old I should believe him first

My heart goes out to you ❤️ Stand by him ??

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 7 months later...

Hi,

One of my support people suggested connected with a group of rape/sexual assault survivors and I searched and found this one. 

For 48 years I have minimized my experience of being raped. For the first time ever, I told the details of what happened to my therapist in preparation for EMDR. Then I told my husband. I told him in a very general way long ago but never the details. Seeing the shock and horror on his face really made me aware of how much I had minimized what happened.  My therapist suggested that we wait until he was back from a trip to do the EMDR because he wanted to be available to support me. This made sense but I find it really difficult to wait.

 

In the meantime, I am having waves of extreme sadness, at random times about nothing in particular and finding myself tearing up. I discovers that if I look beneath the surface I find I am feeling incredibly angry. This feeling is quite specifically directed at my rapist. It’s all quite intense  

I haven’t been sleeping well but have been able to function at work.  I’ve had a lot of practice at pushing through pain. 

I am looking for someplace I can talk about what is going on with me that is safe, understanding and tolerant of both the intensity of my feelings and my frequent need to write about them. 

 

I hope to be acceotee to the group soon. 

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  • 2 years later...
Guest Oscarsmom811

This is the first time I have come here and have wanted to tell anyone my story. I just recently started having flashbacks of what the evil monster who was supposed to be my father did to me as a tiny baby girl. Things that at 49 years old that were so severe and horrific that each new assault sent my mind shattering into a million pieces to survive being alive.

I feel like I have finally found the right place to tell what happened to me. I have never told anyone before that I was sexually abused in evil ways. I feel safe posting this as the first time I've ever broken my 49 years of silence. I am thankful to have a place of solace to do this 

I was sexually abused by my father.

Thank you.

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I'm so sorry for everything you experienced, Oscarsmom811. I'm so glad you now feel safe posting about it and I'd encourage you to use this place as an opportunity to help you heal. You deserve to be able to use your voice and to get the support you need. I'm glad you found us. :metoyou:

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  • 5 weeks later...
Guest New here

Hello,

This is my first post. I'm here because I was date raped when I was 16. I didn't realize what had happened until years later. At the time I thought it was my fault for getting too drunk. 

The experience is affecting my relationship and my mental health severely. I'm suffering from PTSD and have been avoiding sex for months because of flashbacks. Not sure what to do as I can't find a therapist I trust and I don't know if I'm fully ready to face it.

 

Any advice is appreciated

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On 5/21/2012 at 8:47 PM, artic said:

I'm new here and don't really know exactly where to post but what I know is I'm sick of running away. I'm sick of it haunting me and dictating my life, I'm sick of being afraid of everyone and everything, mostly I'm sick of the thoughts debilitating me into a crying ball in the middle of my bed. I've been trying to ignore it like I thought it would help because at one point and time I had actaully forgotten about it for quite awhile but pushing it down only seems to hinder my treatment, I don't know where to go for help because my life is seemingly in shambles. I'm afraid to run away because its beginning to get tiring but I'm also afraid to face it because it is scary, I've been trying to escape it for over eleven years now yet I can't move backwards or forwards I'm stuck in a rut that I've been stuck in for years. Seemingly to others I have quite a bit of potential but yet I've thrown it all away, why must it haunt me? Why wont it go away? Why can't I face it?

I am in the exact same situation. Pushed it down for over 10 years and can't trust anyone including therapists.. stuck in a rut cant get out and terrified of facing it

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Guests New Here & Same, from experience, I know healing is possible, and what happened can be faced, with support at our side.

I hope you will join us as a member, which will give you access to the whole forum for greater support.

Jenny :metoyou:

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Teaforme

*T* Hi I’m new here.  Not sure how this works think I’m still a guest? This has turned into an essay! ? I’m finding it very therapeutic to write it down.  I’ve read this back and feel weird to see it written down. I’ve joined because although this was 5+ years ago now, I’m still struggling.  I had great counselling from a charity that have been awesome but the aftermath of anxiety & depression & my whole life just feeling like an almighty great f**k up holds me down.  I’m struggling to get myself together and function at all right now.  So I’ve had 2or 3 rounds of counselling, it took about 4 years from the 1st rape to when I was finally able to face it & get help, so that initial numb phase, flashbacks, huge constant  panic aren’t so much of a problem now but I’m just seem to have gone right back to the deep anxiety & lethargy of depression & I’m just seeking some support, maybe you have similar experiences how to get past it? Find strength to carry on?

I was in an abusive relationship that broke down a few years ago now.  Started with emotional/ financial abuse but was so subtle it kind of crept up on me, like being a frog in a pot brought to slowly to the boil.  By the time he raped me shortly after the birth of our 2nd daughter, when I was still physically healing from stitches, it was too late it seemed to save myself.  I was deeply traumatised/in shock after, it’s all a blur.  I tried to tell my sister about it, a professional who works with children and will have had training in disclosures, she cut me off, told me to get on with it,  it was normal for couples to have problems and I had to put the children first, stay with him., women had a duty in this context to meet their husbands needs. That became my narrative & I locked away the bit of me that was saying something is badly wrong.  I buried it.  I felt a sense of duty to make the relationship work & thought all the problems were my fault.  I hated myself.   The abuse & dysfunction got worse, I became isolated, made redundant, in poverty while he lived it up & spent money like water. I didn’t know it at the time but looking back I was suffering with anxiety & depression, probably ptsd.  Certainly I was hyper vigilant all the time; I never knew what mood he would be in, never could make plans, always expecting the unexpected & as soon as I would relax bam some shit would hit the fan.  Looking back our sex life if you could call it that was all about power & control.  I think he may have raped me a few more times. Sex generally left me feeling dirty, lonely, hurt, confused, used.  The lack of love and care hurt so deep.  On reflection it was all coerced and so many things hinged on if he got what he wanted, when he wanted, how he wanted. Sex felt like it loomed over me all the time.  One time he was really rough and hurting me. I gently said ow no not like that try this and gently held his hand to show a more gentle pressure. That made him so angry.  He would throw that back in my face at random times as evidence of how I always rejected him or pissed on his chips if he was feeling good. I was such a kill joy. He was a classic abuser I suppose in that everyone thought he was a great guy & was clever at looking good, making himself & us look good. So it was really hard to understand or listen to myself that I was desperately miserable, that he was mean, unreliable, thoughtless, we were suffering as a family, materially, emotionally; in every way.  I put it down to me as the one with a problem I guess there was so much gas lighting and dismissing, normalising going on that I didn’t know what to think or feel. I had no confidence in myself at all. I felt shattered literally in pieces. I didn’t know who I was or what I thought about anymore.  Somewhere deep inside my tough self was that would keep telling me no this is wrong you shouldn’t have to live like this. But I was absolutely clueless how to deal with it.i couldn’t admit to myself the rape happened but eventually it surfaced from my memory. By that time I was convinced I was insane and if I sought help I would lose the children.  I was a mess.  I was suicidal but had a mask for the world.  I was a constant ball of nerves. I ran myself ragged constantly stressed for my girls, feeling that I had to make their life as wonderful as possible despite all this and always hated myself, still do , for failing them so badly.  With all that stress, disturbed sleep (he would often wake me at strange hours and demand sex) I suppose it was inevitable that I was irritable and didn’t have much patience when it was really needed, so I would sometimes shout at the girls or get really distressed if I wasn’t managing those days when you can’t seem to get out the door for nappy changes/feeds.  I hated myself I felt so guilty what a crap parent. I felt so alone. He undermined me at every turn.  I tried to establish bedtime routines; he would come & go as he pleased and turn up at bath tine/ story time & get them hyped.  I tried to manage a healthy diet for them so wouldn’t always say yes to sweets or biscuits, especially just before dinner, he would look all hurt & say I was being mean & unkind, let them have a biscuit for gods sake, as if I was making an awful fuss, in front of the kids so still to this day they struggle to hear the word no from me & after he 1st left it was so hard to establish any kind of authority, that they automatically wouldn’t listen to me, that the way to handle my requests would be to wind themselves up into huge emotional outbursts and tantrums, bad mummy, be nice. 

Wow I don’t know where all this is coming from I thought I processed it.  So recently my mum passed away (lost my dad nearly 3 years ago).  I was very close to them both.  So understandable I’m struggling. My problem is there are normal day to day life things I am just blocked.  Like a rabbit in headlights. I should have applied for my daughter to do a test, which will effect her high school applications but I literally can’t go on the web page. I feel fear. I think I’ve probably missed the deadline & fu*ked the whole thing up.  I’ve let my daughter down so badly.  I’m so stuck.  I hate myself.  I am having suicidal thoughts again but I know it’s nothing I will act on.  I was much much worse before & never did anything about it. It’s like despair or something.  I don’t know how to go on. I hate my stupid stuck pathetic self. I’m having panic attacks again and constant sense of doom I’d just horrid to get through the day. There’s a disconnect how I am functioning going to work, get the kids to school, run the house, managing affairs from my mums passing, being the peace maker with my too hard work sister and sweet brother.... but I can’t do 1 simple thing for my daughter? On my own I feel so bad. Sorry so long.  

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@Teaforme I have just approved your membership - glad you found us, and welcome. You can now post in the members only forums for support.

Jenny

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