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Hi Teaforme,

Welcome to the site. I am sorry you were so hurt in an abusive marriage. It is very understandable that you would be dealing with fear and depression in the aftermath of that. Living with abuse is so damaging to our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves. You are not alone in feeling stuck sometimes.

I am glad that you have been able to see a therapist in the past. I thin’ you would find it helpful to see one again (if possible). I had counseling in my 20s and thought I had processed everything, but then in my 40s, I started to remember more and found myself really struggling again. It felt like taking a big step backwards to seek therapy again, but doing so has lead to a much deeper level of healing. Suicidal thoughts, even when you don’t think you will act on them, are so painful. You deserve care and support through them.

There is lots of support here on Pandy’s too. Once you are on the full site, there is a forum on Surviving Domestic Violence. You are not alone in what you are going through.

I am sorry you are feeling like you failed your daughter in regards to the forms. Do you have a friend or family member who could sit with you while you go online? It is often easier to do things when we are not alone.

Sending care,

Mary Beth

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Guest IsItTrue

I'm not exactly sure how to begin but I suppose some basics to start. I was groomed in my first serious relationship in college. Love bombing, time commitment, adoration, affection, praise...the whole thing. I was young and naive and couldn't believe this young man would have any interest in me. The first day we met our conversation went on for almost 6 hours. I was instantly smitten and taken by this person. He was the very standard intelligent, charming, inviting, good looking experienced young man that any girl would be at minimum intrigued by. So to keep this short, you can imagine where this went. I was forced into loosing my virginity to him. I experienced severe pain because my body was fighting it. But as all of us in an abusive relationship tend do do, I did it to make him happy. I was in love with him. This set off 2 years of events that are difficult, but would morph into something far worse later. I slipped into a binge drinking habit a few months after things became strained between us and he distanced himself because of it. Eventually we lost touch.

Fast forward to 8 years later, and in a drunken stupor I sent a message via social media to my abuser. Of course at the time I had no idea that the relationship that had passed between us was abusive. He responded almost immediately. What followed was both of our divorces becoming finalized, love bombing, adoration, praise; essentially a carbon copy of all of those things that drew me in years ago. We we living not far from each other for several months and spent nearly every day together. It didn't take long for some simpler forms of abuse to begin again. He got a job abroad and I would at his insistence stay up all hours of the night to video chat with him. I visited first for a week, then a few months later booked a one way ticket to live with him. A lot of horrible shit went down. I was secluded and totally reliant on him and he had changed from whom I thought he was when I left to be with him. I was abused in several forms. Financial, medical, emotional, physical and sexual. I finally ended things once I came home several months later after a particularly physically painful experience. I got some distance and decided that I didn't want to cry all day anymore. After debating for months if I should, I finally cut off contact completely. I felt like I could breathe for the first time in years. In my mind I had moved on.

Watching a show 10 years later I was listening to a woman describe her own abuse story and the lightbulb went off for the first time. I hadn't known I was that lady in my own life. I listened to her describe horrific things in her life that were mirror images of things I had been through. I had been so brainwashed, gas lighted, manipulated and controlled that it never occured to me to think this was my reality. I was a victim of abuse. I was awake, scared and had no idea what to do next.

This realization hit in December 2019 right before the pandemic and lockdown took hold. I have been in counseling and on medication ever since. 

My summary I guess is that I still struggle with blame and anger. Blame on myself and anger with him. I wrote in my journal this passage a few days ago:

"What's super effed up is that I was convinced my abuser was my soulmate. There was never a question or doubt in my mind that he was my person. He was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. A man that manipulated, controlled, abused and degraded me. So how did I get there? How did I let this happen? Was it my weakness or his control or a mixture of both?" 

I think being here I'm hoping to find I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'm desperate for support and guidance from others that understand how hard it can be living with these feelings, questions, flashbacks, triggers and nightmares. I'm doing better some days but do we ever fully get better? 

Be well and care for yourself all.

 

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You certainly aren't alone in being newly awakened from an abusive relationship.  We hope you will join here and get to know some of the other survivors.  We even have a forum dedicated to those survivors of relationship Violence. Just know you aren't alone, and your are in the right place, you've been talking ask the right steps, and frankly getting away is the most difficulty part.  

Sitting with you,

Patricia

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  • 1 month later...

Hi,

I'm looking for anyone who was a military dependent child/teenager who was sexually assaulted by an army physician many yrs ago.  Going thru the legal process now and looking for others who experienced same or similar 

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Hi,

I am a very private person and don't have a fakebook page, etc. so I can't ask there.  I was a teenage military dependent who was sexually assaulted by an army doctor.  I am looking for anyone that might have experienced something similar. 

 

Thank you

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  • 2 months later...
Guest KimmySeven

Hello. I was on a survivor site many years ago, wrote a book to heal and thought I was going to be okay. Somehow, I've gotten worse emotionally. I'm 53. At 3 years of age I was molested by my mother's husband (she told me he was my dad, but I knew better, even then) when she left me alone with him. I told her, she questioned him, and suddenly, I was a crazy 3 year old who grew into a crazy teen, and then, an adult. That was the beginning of the death of trust. He couldn't keep his hands off of me, whether it was to hit me, pull me around, and then, to repeatedly rape me at 15. I ran away all the time, hurt myself, told someone who I thought would help, but only hurt me further. When I began to remember what happened, my entire family turned their backs on me, and I will never see my sister or her children again. CPS did nothing but call my mom immediately who told my sister, who called me and said I was... you guessed it! Crazy! My heart is broken! But the worst thing was, when I took them to court (not only did that go absolutely nowhere, I was revictimized), my brother, who witnessed the molestation during my semi-conscious sleep as well as a few rapes, signed a document stating it was my biological father who hurt me, not my step-father. (My mother told me when I was 17 that the child abuser was not my father). I got knocked around pretty badly, and I didn't remember much, so my mom and step began a child sex abuse ring in their home. 4 natural children by 3 dads, and the CPS gave them 10 children over the years. The children are older now, with many problems. She replaced the family she destroyed, and destroyed the others, too, except the boys, even though they'd be secondary survivors. I feel like I don't have much time left on this earth, or maybe she doesn't, and I am trying to get her to tell my sisters the truth about their father. If he didn't marry her (for me) they never would've been born. I am the one they owe respect and love to, not her! Thankfully, he died, but her evil ass is still around, ignoring me and acting like she is normal. People believe her over me and it's awful. I now live alone so as not to worry about getting hurt by anyone or abandoned. At least 4 other girls were brutalized in the home like I was, and she actually got one of them to try and scare me off to please her. I did not work. She uses children to protect her. I hate her so much for what she did, they put me in institutions and damaged any credibility. They told my sisters I'd hurt them or their children. I have no real friends or family, and I just pushed away my only friend because we were in a relationship, and he has more problems than I do. Anyway, that's my story and I haven't felt this heartbroken since I first remembered. It could be the effects of menopause, and I wake up crying most days, mostly from nightmares I guess. I thought it would get easier, and I'm okay if I'm focused on something, but I was deemed unfit to work with complex PTSD, so forcing myself to focus and forget doesn't always work. It always breaks my heart when I hear of the same thing happening over and over again to people. It's a common theme of abusers? I think now, though, I AM crazy? I might've gone on too much here for an intro, but that's the raw deal. 

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Kimmyseven, I’m so sorry for all you’ve experienced, and your ongoing experience of her. Maybe you will consider joining us as a member - that way you will have access to the members only area.

In care,

Jenny

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It sounds like you've had a rough time.  It's not unusual to need to do a number of healing "cycles" over the course of your life.  I've seen that pattern in my life.  You might set up a free account here and meet more members who have the same and similar experiences as you.

Wishing you well,

Patricia

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  My assault was so violent I went into tonic immobility and dissociation it was mostly blocked from my memory and then I couldn't feel my body by the end of it….I got Stockholm syndrome…and developed ptsd years later.

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59 minutes ago, Guest Guest said:

  My assault was so violent I went into tonic immobility and dissociation it was mostly blocked from my memory and then I couldn't feel my body by the end of it….I got Stockholm syndrome…and developed ptsd years later.

I am sorry for what you went through. Sending you lots of care.

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  • 4 months later...
Guest Buttercup

Hello! I'm New here! Is this site still active? My account has not yet been approved but i see no posts from 2022...

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Yes it is still active. Guests however can not see the entire board. So it may look less than active. 

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  • 3 months later...
Guest Lana

Hi,

I'm so glad I found this site!  I've just been reading things on it for a couple of days and I learned so much and it healped me so much!  2 weeks ago my boss raped me at work.  I'm a teen and I never thought something like that would happen to me.  I cannot tell my parents about it at all.  We are Russian immigrants and they are very religious.  I know for fact they would blame me and say it was my fault.  They would say Its cause of how I dressed, cause they always critisize me for it.  Also they would critisize me for not fighting it.  I was very intimidated by him and afraid he would hurt me if I didnt just let him do what he wanted.  Also something that really upset me and freak me out about it, while it was happening I had an orgasm.  I definately was not enjoying what was happening!  I just wanted it over with!  So I didn't understand why I had one.  It made it so much more upsetting than it already was.  It made me think something is wrong with me!  I read an article on this site saying it was normal and could happen.  I can't find that article now, but it was helpful reading it and that somethings not wrong with me!  Thank you so much for having this site!  -Lana

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest EspressoMUA

Hi!  Im new here. I was wondering if anyone knew of any places or agencies that would hire a DV survivor like myself as an advocate. I have an extensive medical background along with psychology. 
I trying to get back into the work force and do what my heart is needing and that’s help heal our warriors. Ideally remote working is best. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I hope someone somewhere can point me in the right direction. Thank you so much for at least listening. 

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mbholly

Hi Espresso MUA,

Welcome. I don’t know what types of organizations would offer remote work, but you might start by looking at organizations or institutes in your area that help survivors of dv. In my state, a lot of social service providers have a good mix of paid staff, student interns, and volunteers. 
Wish you well with your search :)

Mary Beth

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I think that rainn would.  I know there is training you must have.  Could be worth checking out.  

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