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You didn't report it...


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Guest Sea, I did report (csa) but simply as information for the police (UK) in case other reports had been made. The police force I went to said they would not pursue an investigation unless I wanted, but forces do vary here in the UK  (and I suspect they vary the world over). Some will pursue an investigation whether or not the victim wants to. 

You need to look after yourself through this - and please do not feel guilty for not reporting. There is no need for that. 

Take care,

Jenny

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  • 1 month later...
Guest anonymous272

Similar to what happened to me when I was younger, but we were both children at the time. I tried reporting but nobody at the school believed me, so I just gave up. I had a friend there who became his next toy after I moved away. Felt guilty for years that if I tried harder to make people believe me she wouldn't have been in that situation.

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  • 10 months later...
Guest Alice Ivy

I'm really glad that this thread exists so thank you. It's been over 2 years now and I've only just begun to reach out for help and due to the fact that I don't remember much from what happened it's unlikely I'll be able to report this. I feel so much guilt from this knowing that this person might still be out there and if I found out he hurt anyone else I'm not sure I'd be able to take it. I probably just need to let go of that guilt though

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Reporting or not is a very personal decision. It is difficult not to have clear memories, but that is not your fault.

You are not alone in how you are feeling and I hope you find that your feelings on this change over time. We truly can not be responsible for what our abusers go on to do.

Sending support,

mbholly

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest invisibletovibrant

Hey everyone,

This is the first time I am posting on a public forum on this subject. It's been hard to find the courage to reach out, so I hope this helps someone. 

When I was 19 years old I was molested by my uncle, while his wife and kid were sleeping downstairs. I didn't tell anyone about it right away, even though I had every opportunity. I was scared that no one would believe me. I don't even know if I realized back then that what happened was wrong. I just remember the mental shock from the moment he touched me onward. It was like time stopped and my body went numb. I didn't react, cry, shout, or try to stop him. I just froze and let what was happening happen. I loved my uncle so much and in that moment I couldn't believe it was him doing this to me. My father had just died a few months before, him & his family were all I had left (my mother is absent). 

Over time, I told a best friend and a boyfriend. Maybe within a year I started telling select people. At that point I had continued a relationship with my uncle and started to engage with him sexually, willingly. I didn't understand the damage I was doing to myself. I just wanted to continue feeling loved and keep the sense of family I had found in him. I would say I had sex with him, not at all contextualizing how it started. Inevitably, this lead people to have some sense of doubt in me when I described the molestation. So slowly, people started to believe him when he would say nothing happened. He told people I seduced him. He twisted all my words and actions to suit the narrative he wanted everyone to believe. He relentlessly protected himself and showed day by day, he had no intention other than to label me as insane. 

After one day receiving a concerning message from my best friend about his behavior, I confronted him. I told him things were getting out of hand, that I couldn't keep this a secret anymore and that he should tell his wife, so as to liberate me from this hell he had created. My only other option was to cut them off and lose everything I had hoped for- a family. This would have had no explanation to those around me though. In retrospect, I don't think there was any good option. I can't look back and find a solution other than I should have known better. Because of my active consent after the molestation, I am still not able to forgive myself to this day. 

This confrontation led to a death threat.

"I would rather go to jail for the rest of my life for killing you than lose my family and all that I've worked for". 


I fell into a deep emotional freeze again. I said nothing, agreed to the conditions of his threat, and spent the next three years continuing to hide these details from my family and closest friends. My mental health slowly deteriorated. I began having flashbacks. I felt scared all the time and would spend 2+ hours in the shower crying and dissociating. I had given up on having a good life. After a childhood full of trauma, and the loss of both parents, I was done. I had no inhibition left in me and I considered suicide on a daily basis. Guilt and shame were the home I lived in. 

Over the years, I opened up to people about my abuse and faced incredible doubt. I still face doubt. Some people still don't believe me, and I have had to accept that. I have had to decide who stays and who goes in my life sometimes based only on that. I have already lived with so many years of self doubt and hatred regarding the abuse. and I don't have any space for others uncertainties regarding my life. It does not matter to me anymore your opinion- you show up for me, or you don't. 

Retraining my body and mind to feel safe has been the absolute hardest thing I have ever done. I cannot emphasize that more. I explored yoga for a few years, and eventually became a personal trainer. I have read endlessly on trauma. I have sought therapy and take medication to manage the physical symptoms of abuse. I am going back to school finally at 27 years old because I now have the confidence to follow through on myself. 

It hasn't been easy but I feel strong for what I've endured. I am starting to feel that my experiences can help others, despite all the shame I experience. I have reached out to raise funds for an organization that support victims of sexual abuse. I actively denounce violence towards women, their sexualization, and speak out when I see or hear things that perpetuate this deadly cycle. I am growing and doing everything I can to rid myself of the pain and suffering. 

And there is nothing I wouldn't do for my healing now. 

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40 minutes ago, Guest invisibletovibrant said:

And there is nothing I wouldn't do for my healing now. 

I’m truly glad you are finding your way to healing - and freedom.

Finding the courage to post is a good step for healing too - and you would be welcome to join us as a full member, and thereby gain access to the members-only areas of Pandys.

In care,

Jenny

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  • 3 months later...

Just a couple weeks ago, I learned that I could take my husband to court for what he did to me. He confessed and I have screenshots of his confession and "apology." My sister had told me that if I was able to have him prosecuted, I would be protecting other women. I broke down. I didn't want that responsibility to fall on my shoulders. I didn't want to feel responsible for his actions anymore. And my entire family -- including my sister -- said that they supported me no matter what I chose to do. It was hard to choose to walk away from the idea. But in the end, that's what I chose. Because his actions are not my responsibility. 

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Sending support, boxcars. I did not report either and while I have at times felt guilty about that, I think it was the best decision for me. I 100% agree with you that a survivor is not responsible for the actions of an abuser. The abusers choose their behavior.q 

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