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I didn't report because the perp attends my parents church and I was afraid of what would happen. I wasn't sure the police would believe me...I could barely believed what happened to me. At the time when the SA occured, I wasn't sure what to call it and thought it was my fault.

Edited by wildnfree
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  • 1 month later...
LostInTheWoods

I didn't. The only reason I would want to is to stop it from happening to someone else. I wasn't the first or only, and I have a sinking feeling not the last. But it was sexual assault, with little evidence other than it is on his record from before. Who would believe me?

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Hi,

So sorry but I am short on words. As a Social Worker I totally get the reporting issue and how helpful it can be to others. As a professional I understand the whole thing but as a person that has been abused and in later years raped it makes no sense to me. As a professional and as a human being I see both sides of the coin. I dont blame you for not reporting...........I never have. You are not accountable for others and their actions. As I said I am short on words at the moment but I don't for one second blame you for minding you. In fact I think you did the very best you could. Please keep minding you.

Take very good care,

Pink xoxo

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  • 2 weeks later...

I reported my stranger rape in 1999, but it wasn't until 2 weeks later, so there was no evidence and my attacker unfortunately had a very vague description due to the demographics where I lived it could have been anyone. average male of that race.

As far as my main abuser, no I never did tell anyone at the time. it has been 16 years and he is actually in jail for another reason and getting out in a few months and i have no proof, no way to keep him there it would be my word against his and that just doesn't work these days. So it is in the best interest of me and my family not to report it and hope that I'm off his radar and he will not come after us, because if i report it he definitely will come after us.

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I have not reported any of the abusers who harmed me. It was so long ago. I have no proof.

Awww. The Burden of Proof!

A duty placed upon a civil or criminal defendant to prove or disprove a disputed fact.

These assailants or perpetrators who have physically attacked me would for sure dispute ever having harmed me. They Deny! Deny! Deny! And Lie!

I like the movie line from the Color Purple: Everything you done to me, gone be done to you!!! gaah.gif

Edited by laurenbacall
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  • 7 months later...

Nope I didn't and I'm ok with that I know I shouldn't be but unless you have really hard evidence and witnesses or have it on film or something what's the point the first time I was drunk and high and 13 who was going to believe me and all the times after that... Once a victim .... Now 22 years later after the first time..... I'm still ok with not telling the courts or my mom. I did tell a resource officer at my school about it a year after the fact but she told me with no evidence the case would probably just be more traumatic to me and he would get off anyway she did make me tell my dad well she told me I had to tell one of my parents and have them call her the next day I choose my dad because I know he would not be judgmental and let me make my own choices ... The only reason I told her was because I flip out in class the teacher was teaching and I was zoned out thinking of the rapist and what I would say or do ... I stood up knock my desk over and yelled "burn in hell you fucking ass hole" then I walked out of the class with tears welling up in my eyes and walked to the resource officers office walked through the doorway to our office lit up a cigarette shut the door behind me and told her what happened ... So in someway I guess I did tell but I didn't at the same time???

Edited by Mavi
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My one interaction with the police was profoundly negative-- I was 15, alone in a room, with no advocate, and two adult male cops interrogating me and poking holes in a story that I was still struggling to understand. I couldn't even name my experience as "sexual abuse" and "rape" until I was 19, partly because there is so little proper information available, and partly because I was still reconstructing the memories. So I don't blame anyone who chooses not to report or prosecute. It's such a complicated mess, and only you can understand your specific, individual experience. And it's also like, you just survived an experience that almost killed you and almost destroyed your entire self. It's completely unfair to expect someone to jump right into the fire again after such an experience.

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I've been thinking about this a lot as I'm sure some people would tell me to report. I wish I could, actually, I'd like to report my father. But I can't. I don't remember much and I don't have any of the kinds of memories or facts required to report it. My explanation of what happened comes from a young and non-verbal place. The evidence is there, but not the kind a court would want.

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I never reported mine. I never actually told...my Mom asked me the morning after they left and I said yes, it happened.

I was asked if I wanted to testify at the time. I said no. Should I have? Yes. Should I have pressed charges? Yes. But I was entirely too young to understand what that meant and how I would deal with it so many years later. We didn't want to press charges for so many reasons - all of which seem like peanuts now. Regardless, he was put in jail for other crimes (against other children and a teenage her was having an affair with)...so he is locked up.

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I didn't report it. I was only 15 years old at the time and scared. He was also my bestfriend at the time. He and I were in the same friend group too. The guy who did it was also known for sleeping around with a lot of people. So I have no idea if anyone would have believed me.

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  • 3 months later...

First time.... well, I acutally had never thought until very recently that there was anything horribly wrong with what he did, and I'm still not sure. When my mother found out, she told us to stop doing it, but she didn't say it was wrong or report it to anyone. She was always yelling and overracting, so I always figured it was just one of those things. No one at school believed what I told them about other forms of abuse, and when they asked my parents about that, I got beaten, so I figured I'd better keep Dad's secret like he said.

Second time around, I thought he had the right because he was still techincally my husband, even if he was dating other people, and he was supporting me. We were divorcing, and I knew he was lonely, and he knew I was lonely.... so he said we were just helping each other out. One time toward the end when I confronted him about it and we had a loud argument, the nieghbors called the cops. I went to the door when they asked to see me after talking to my husband, and I choked back my tears and told them I was fine and there was nothing going on. I had no bruises or anything, so they left. I was afraid they'd take me to jail and then to the mental ward. I knew my husband would never let me back in again, and I'd lose my home, my dog, my stuff, and be on the street. So, I lied to the cops.

I told a visiting friend soon after that, and she freaked out on me, saying it was too heavy and she couldn't deal with talking about it. She suggested I talk to a counselor, like I was some kind of weirdo with big problems. I had no money of my own, so I called the the local women's shelter for help soon after that. I told them what happened, but they said it didn't sound like abuse or rape, it wasn't severe enough. They said they had a lot of women waiting for shelter and counseling who were really being battered and most of them had children, so they couldn't possibly help a single person like me, they didn't have enough funding or beds. I asked for sliding scale counseling references, and they said it sounded like my husband had insurance that would pay, I should just do that. Also, the lowest rate was 20 bucks, and I didn't have a cent. They hung up, exasperated with me for taking up so much of their time. I had talked to both the hotline volunteer and her supervisor, who was supposed to be a certified counselor.

A couple years later, I was still trying to afford an official divorce but had moved next door. I went to a new Dr. and he questioned why I had gotten my tubes tied (which I'd had done around the time of the assualts), and why I thought I wanted a divorce. I briefly told him that we didn't get along, and he had been raping me regularly for a long time and I didn't want to get pregnant. He told me, very partronizingly, that if I could stand living next door to my husband, I should consider not throwing my marriage away, because it was a very sacred thing under God and was healthy for me. I endured his examination, including the pap smear he was working on as he was telling me this, and never went back.

Actually, the Dr that did do the tubal for me only did it because I told him I was (currently) being raped by my husband and had already been coerced into getting an abortion twice (once at a clinic, once on my own with herbs at home because I was too poor) because he was going to throw me out if I stayed pregnant. This Gyn was Catholic, so he did the tubal to prevent me from sinning again, but told me he would not make it the permanent type, because he was afraid someday I would meet a nice man and want to have children, and would be really sorry I'd done that and sue him.

Many years later, I participated in a university grad student's project as a research subject. When asked about the experience, I told her the story, but said I didn't think it was really rape, and was still very good friends with my ex-husband. Not sure what she made of that, it was just a question session.

Third time around, I did report it to my company after the first year, but they refused to file an official report for me, saying it was no big deal. Two female coworkers had quit/left on medical leave due to the same issues, so I had came forward to HR. Nobody at work beleived me, and over the years, I went all the way up to the President. She said he was just being flirty and she couldn't do anyting to stop that, it was just in a guy's nature. She said sometimes you just have to move on, for your career advancement. Again, they refused to file any reports, but they freely discussed my mental problems amongst management and cowrokers.

Then, after 6 years and another employee quitting over it, I called the Bereau of Labor. They said it didn't seem like a big deal, and they could only take on large cases with many reporters. I told them it was a lot of women, but they said the company was too small and suggested I get a private lawyer and try a class action suit. They said I'd need a lot of witnesses and a great paper trail to even begin to get anything done, so I should probably just get another job. They refused to file a report, saying it was useless and a waste of thier time, but they gave me an online file download link if I wanted to do it anyway. I never did.

In desperation, I told my mother, and she was extremely angry with me for jeopardizing my job for such a silly, trivial thing. She said I was too stupid to get another job. She told me she would just kick him and move on, and it was my fault it was happening and I was taking it so hard.

I paid for my own counseling (with some insurance) when I got to the point where I couldn't get out of bed to go to work and face him one morning. She disclosed at the begining that she would not get involved with a court case, and I was beyond believing that would help, so I said fine. She was able to help me, but I still never filed that report anywhere. Eventually, he was fired for other reasons. I was also fired soon after that, since they could then do it safely without me bringing up the harrassment issues, him being gone. They said it was for taking too much time off when my mom was ill and dying. They even put a woman in my position, to make it seem like they were indeed proactively fair to females.

So, why didn't I report any of it? Because I'm still not sure it ever really happened the way I felt it did, and no one cares. As far as most people I talked to over the years, I was compensated for my troubles with a roof over my head and food on my table, so what's the big deal?

Edited by Kaya42
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  • 6 months later...

I didn't report what happened to me because I was with my male friends and it was one of their friends who attacked me. I went to my mates party and the attacker was there this is how it happened I got real drunk I probably did flirt and kiss him but that's all yet I felt so drunk that I needed to go to bed I asked my male friend if I could sleep in his bed where he took me up and tucked me in before I knew it there was this male who was mounted over me naked and pounding me hard I was so uncomfortable and didn't feel good at all with blood every where yet I didn't report it I just made out it was good and how pleased I was to all of our friends because I didn't want to make a fuss. I know that if I reported it I would have to re live this moment all over again in detail and not to mention how mad my family would go and try to hunt this male down. No one would believe me now because the front I did put on and how young I was at the time that's why I wouldn't report it

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  • 9 months later...

I didn't report my r* because I willingly went to his apartment to have sex... I still believe that I am culpable in some ways for what happened. I presented myself as female and never corrected him on that I don't have female 'parts'... I feel as though I deserved something to happen as a result, not necessarily that, but something. I don't believe police would have believed me, and am still afraid that people would laugh at me and blame me for my stupidity... But I also worry that he could do it to someone else...

I don't even know who he is... Not knowing makes everything so much more difficult. I worry constantly that he's following me or is in the same shop as me when I'm in town or at the supermarket. I couldn't even report it now because it's been over 2 years and I only vaguely remember what he looked like and where he liked because I was drunk when it happened.

Edited by Wraith
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Wraith,

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Depending on where you live, you may still be able to report. The statute of limitations for sexual assault is 3 years in Illinois & longer in all the other states; so if you want to report it in the US, it's definitely not too late. You never know whether something you say might be similar to another case they have and could lead to a breakthrough. But it's up to you. It definitely wasn't your fault, though. Your rapist needs to take responsibility for his own choices & actions. He could have just as easily shouted a few angry words and walked away or if it was his home, told you to leave. It's what any normal person would have done. Instead, he chose to commit rape (and likely, also a hate crime). That's on him. If you feel you should have disclosed about being anatomically male earlier on, that is your decision to make going forward & I support you. But there have been plenty of instances where people did disclose that right away & still got raped because the two things are unrelated. Rapists are not homosexuals or heterosexuals or even bi. They don't feel sexually aroused by a willing partner of any gender. They get off on seeing their victims suffer and struggle. Sometimes they have a type (men, women, boys, girls, trans) but so too do mass murderers. If I had to guess, I'd say he probably either knew or suspected you are "genderfluid" from the moment he met you. Rapists prey on vulnerable persons and twist things around to make us question whether we are to blame for their choices. I'm trying to work on getting away from blaming myself for others' actions. I've spent a lot of time researching what makes adults vulnerable to rape & excusing others' inappropriate behavior and/or taking the blame on ourselves seems to be something that rapists target. My rapist's decision to rape and sodomize me was not my fault; it was his. Your rapist's decision to sodomize you was not your fault; it was entirely his and I'm sorry he did that to you. You didn't deserve it. You deserve to be loved & respected like everyone else in this world.butterfly.gif

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Wraith,

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Depending on where you live, you may still be able to report. The statute of limitations for sexual assault is 3 years in Illinois & longer in all the other states; so if you want to report it in the US, it's definitely not too late. You never know whether something you say might be similar to another case they have and could lead to a breakthrough. But it's up to you. It definitely wasn't your fault, though. Your rapist needs to take responsibility for his own choices & actions. He could have just as easily shouted a few angry words and walked away or if it was his home, told you to leave. It's what any normal person would have done. Instead, he chose to commit rape (and likely, also a hate crime). That's on him. If you feel you should have disclosed about being anatomically male earlier on, that is your decision to make going forward & I support you. But there have been plenty of instances where people did disclose that right away & still got raped because the two things are unrelated. Rapists are not homosexuals or heterosexuals or even bi. They don't feel sexually aroused by a willing partner of any gender. They get off on seeing their victims suffer and struggle. Sometimes they have a type (men, women, boys, girls, trans) but so too do mass murderers. If I had to guess, I'd say he probably either knew or suspected you are "genderfluid" from the moment he met you. Rapists prey on vulnerable persons and twist things around to make us question whether we are to blame for their choices. I'm trying to work on getting away from blaming myself for others' actions. I've spent a lot of time researching what makes adults vulnerable to rape & excusing others' inappropriate behavior and/or taking the blame on ourselves seems to be something that rapists target. My rapist's decision to rape and sodomize me was not my fault; it was his. Your rapist's decision to sodomize you was not your fault; it was entirely his and I'm sorry he did that to you. You didn't deserve it. You deserve to be loved & respected like everyone else in this world.butterfly.gif

MariaTeresa... Thank you for much for this. I don't have words for how this message made me feel... just - less awful?

I'm in the UK... I don't know what the laws are here for this, or if it would be taken seriously. I don't know if I would want to report it or not, I'm not certain I could do that just yet. But it's a possibility in the future.

What you said about rapists not having a defined sexuality... that struck a chord in me. It's made me think about what happened a little differently... I don't know, maybe he did know all along? I've always been confused about why he made the decision to r*... perhaps that's the answer?

Anyway... thank you - I needed this.

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  • 2 years later...
Guest Santeria

The guys who did it to me went to my school. They were in my friend group. No one would've taken me seriously or taken my side. I was young and didn't yet have the courage.

I did report my abuser at 19. And going through hearings and trials and working on the case is incredibly stressful. A lot of days I just want to give up on it when things don't go my way because of how distressing it is. But I know I've already started the battle and it's worth fighting for.

I don't regret not reporting the first times. I wasn't ready. I have learned so much since then.

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  • 2 months later...
  • 6 months later...
  • 2 months later...
Guest Jessthemess

I didn’t want to report my rapist because he was an uncle, and it was in Europe. My family was visiting from America and everyone decided to sleep upstairs but I wanted to take the downstairs office because there was a tv there. It was around midnight when he came in and to this day I haven’t had the courage  to tell anyone anything after that. I was 12 at the time now I’m 16. I haven’t told my parents or anyone but a close friend. I don’t want to report it because he’s a very influential man both family wise and socially. I tried to tell my brother but he said that if I got sexually assaulted it would’ve been my fault (he didn’t know the situation). I was 12. I didn’t even know what was happening . I’ve had two suicide attempts by now and I can’t report him cause I know my family and I know they wouldn’t believe me.

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Hi Jess,

I am sorry you were abused by your uncle. Being sexually abused as a child could never be your fault. You did nothing wrong.I am sorry your brother responded in the way he did. It is very difficult to feel like you won’t be believed. If you truly feel like you can’t share with a family member, maybe there is another trusted adult you could talk to? Maybe a teacher or school counselor? Or a friend’s parent?

I don’t know how reporting assault/abuse that happened in another country would work, but want you to know that it is very possible (and common) to seek help handling the aftermath of abuse without needing to report. I never reported my childhood or adult abuse, but have benefitted greatly from therapy and a support group and this site.

Thinking of you,

Mary Beth

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  • 2 months later...
Guest FrenchRose

Thanks for what you shared. I was gang raped in an emergency room. It put me in a coma and then they shipped me off to a different county - trying to get rid of me. When I came out of the coma I told that hospital staff that I was raped (not the details) and they did nothing.

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Sending support, French Rose. What happened to you was awful. I am sorry you were not believed when you told. I hope you are getting support now.

Thinking of you.

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Guest FrenchRose

Thanks a lot mbholly. I have not been able to get any support. I may be a part of an entire community of what our Society considers ‘low income’ and without a support system. Somehow that has made me easy prey. Especially as a woman. The worst part is that I have a daughter who became a victim when they tried to destroy me (her only protector). Her Twisted, Abusive ‘father’ got custody of her! I had been fighting for her safety for a year and a half when they gang raped me. She was taken on April 27, 2015! My heart is broken, I am terrified and disappointed in our world. I will not give up though! Not until she no longer has to live with the people that are molesting and torturing her!!!! It sucks having to do it completely alone in this world. I never needed a friend like I need one now. Seriously. I felt like I could handle pretty much anything before this happened to her!!!!!!!

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  • 2 weeks later...
lilyvanilla

i didn't. i still haven't. and now. my guess............is that i'm so private. i don't want it publicized. if i ever did. report it to the authorities [last time i was uh. 'that' i was 25. i'm 31] i'd just want them to know and then not be involved at all. i don't want them telling my parents/anyone else. also i don't like the police.

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  • 1 year later...
On 11/7/2002 at 6:58 AM, Guest said:

I really respect anyone who goes through the legal process of reporting a rape, and I think that wanting to help stop your attacker can be a powerful motivating factor for putting yourself through that.

But is it your fault if your attacker hurts someone else? Not at all. Because even if you do report it, he/she might have already hurt someone else, or he/she may have hurt someone before, etc etc etc. We are not responsible for someone else's actions. Your attacker was the one who made the decision to rape. Not you. You can't take on that blame.

I made the decision to report partially in the hope that maybe they'd catch him, maybe he wouldn't do it again. And the fact they never found him haunts me (especially considering I did a little research after my laughable reporting experience, and *I* found the guy, and I know he lives in a province where the legal drinking age is just 18. He got me weeks after I turned 19. He goes for barely legal, inexperienced, naive girls. I know he raped again. That kills me inside. Could I have stopped him though? Am I responsible? No. He's responsible.)

Anyhow... The way I finally stopped feeling guilty, was when I turned the table. I thought - what about any of the survivors he raped before me? Did they owe it to me to "stop" him before he got to me?

No.

I don't want them feeling bad. I just hope they're okay. That they've managed to pick up their lives, and heal, like I'm learning to do. If I ever met one, I'd hug her, I'd cry with her - I'd never, ever, ever be angry with her or blame her or even think to ask if she ever tried to report it. That wasn't her job - her job was to take care of herself.

I was sexually assaulted by a 'friend' that I worked with at a Wetherspoons, while he was on a drunken bender. The next day he sat outside drinking trying to get my attention and when I wouldn't see him he came through the back and dragged me out the kitchen. I'd never felt so helpless, I had a reputation as strong but I froze through it all and tried to block it out. That has been my undoing, I'm 30 years old with an enlarged heart and a swollen amygdala from stress. Your statement about not resenting any previous victims is so logical and true I'm going to do my best to use it to forgive myself for not reporting. I do still think about it, could I tell the police and give his name but not press charges. What if he did it to someone else and they reported it but couldn't prove it. I could have helped convict him? 

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