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"You're Lying" - Terrible Secondary Wound


Louise
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Hellothere

I am so sorry for that awful betrayal Sutton. So terribly sorry. I have learned that people are not always who they seem to be too.

You, on the other hand, are the real deal.

Edited by Hellothere
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MarlaLoungeSinger

It has a name! Holy wow.

My rape was drug-facilitated, so the aftermath is what I recall with the most clarity. There's so many examples that sure resonate with me from you, amazing humans of Pandy's, but what really got to me was a guy I used to fool around with years ago. I considered him to be a friend, so I confided in him shortly after my assault. His response was an attempt to coerce me into cybersex, stating that "I shouldn't let my rapists take my pleasure away forever", which isn't his decision to make, not to mention it was within 72 hours of said assault. Pretty predatory would be a good description of how it felt.

Another guy wouldn't take "no" for an answer at a work party. Took it upon himself to grab my ass repeatedly. More "no" from me, both in body language and firmly verbalized. He didn't like that, so he got drunk and decided to wait for me outside the venue, so that I'd have to face him in order to retrieve my car. (Luckily, a colleague walked me to my car and initially displayed empathy for me. It was disappointing when he later changed his tune, making excuses for the offending guy.)

A few other former partners and acquaintances likely mean well, but the ignorance can shatter me. Prior to this, I wasn't much for casual touching, I'm not touchy-feely, and I am a very petite female, so when some people stoop down and try to pick me up or trap me in a big hug, my first instinct is to use my "get off my lawn, damn kids" voice and clench my fists. (A guilt trip attempt usually follows...)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Are you sure that you can trust your memories

I'll hurt you and lie if you tell

Come on, you can tell the truth, it never happened

you must have done something to provoke him

If it happened when you were so young, why are you remembering it many years later

Are you sur, you're just not looking for sympathy

People don't do what you say they did

why are you saying this, it can't be true

I raised you right, what did you do

firemen and paramedics are there to help people, why are you accusing them

;

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  • 4 weeks later...

I lost my virginity to my mom's husband (I refuse to refer to him as step dad) when I was 11. I kept quiet, I knew my mom didn't have much and I didn't want to cause more stress than she already had so I just stayed away from him and their house as much as possible until they eventually divorced some 6 months later. I finally told someone 4 years later. I told my boyfriend and a week or so after I told him he asked me via text message to give him the play-by-play again, how exactly it happened. I thought it was weird of him to ask but I gave him what he wanted. A month down the road I was out with my mom, playing on her phone when I found the message he had forwarded to her. When I read her response I almost threw up. "Are you sure she isn't lying? We hardly had sex when we were together". I put the phone down and never said a word about it to her. I confronted my boyfriend though.

It completely broke my heart when I found out he had betrayed me like that. He claims it was for my protection, in case she ever considered getting back with him. it absolutely killed me when I read her response, but it made me feel better about my decision to not say anything at the time. I don't think I could have handled her not believing ME. To this day I haven't brought it up to her and she hasn't brought it up either.

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I lost my virginity to my mom's husband (I refuse to refer to him as step dad) when I was 11. I kept quiet, I knew my mom didn't have much and I didn't want to cause more stress than she already had so I just stayed away from him and their house as much as possible until they eventually divorced some 6 months later. I finally told someone 4 years later. I told my boyfriend and a week or so after I told him he asked me via text message to give him the play-by-play again, how exactly it happened. I thought it was weird of him to ask but I gave him what he wanted. A month down the road I was out with my mom, playing on her phone when I found the message he had forwarded to her. When I read her response I almost threw up. "Are you sure she isn't lying? We hardly had sex when we were together". I put the phone down and never said a word about it to her. I confronted my boyfriend though.

It completely broke my heart when I found out he had betrayed me like that. He claims it was for my protection, in case she ever considered getting back with him. it absolutely killed me when I read her response, but it made me feel better about my decision to not say anything at the time. I don't think I could have handled her not believing ME. To this day I haven't brought it up to her and she hasn't brought it up either.

It is a shame that your mother doesn't understand your attack has nothing to do with the sexual part of her relationship. I am so sorry that you had to see this. I had for many years a mom that denied the extent of what happened. She has only recently been willing to admit that it happened and I wasn't exaggerating.

This is what is horrible about CSA, SA, and R is that it is so personal, explicit and because done in secrecy, if we tell, we are often not deemed honest about what actually happened.

I hope that you are continuing to seek out sources to grow and heal. I have found the support on PA to be a comfort. May you find the support you deserve. Rain

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I was recently told that CSA is one of the worst traumas to survive, because it is generally committed and kept in secret. A perpetrator physically violates a helpless child and forces them to live in isolation with this terrible secret, or risk rejection from their only source of survival.

You have to believe that kind of evil will be punished, if not in this lifetime, then in hell.

Oh, and your boyfriend Ekasey - WTAF? I truly do not understand people sometimes. So very sorry that happened, and like Raingirl, I hope that you are able to find the support that you deserve now. Safe hug.gif if ok.

Edited by Hellothere
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I'll add my voice to that too, Ekasey. You didn't deserve to be doubted. I am so sorry.

Yeah, it takes a very specialized species of fucktard to commit CSA, or SA, even. Maybe I'm just naïve but how cruel can you get? But then to call someone a liar on top of it................shit. I've been there, complete headfuckery. My heart goes out to all of you.

I believe you. All of you, I believe you.

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  • 4 weeks later...

"You've got to put these things out of your head"

"Did you think about calling the police" (IT was the way in which this was said - as if to say if I was telling the truth I would have called the police

"you have to let it go"

I get these ones all the time Edited by hopefulbib
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  • 5 months later...

This was something that for, sadly a number of times in my life, I have to face. On a long list of abuse of trauma that has become my life another act was added to this list. This time the violation was deeper than just physical.  I lost all I had worked so hard for. Homeless and alone, I reached out to my best friend for help. At first she blamed me and when I refused to apologize to her for my fault in the situation because that was a ludicrous thing to ask of me, especially knowing I was not to blame. She started accusing me of lying. This added so much additional hurt to it. But I found that, Louise was exactly right. Some people aren't worth responding to. No matter how hard you fight for yourself and defend yourself there will be those that don't believe you, even those that are closest to you. And finally that some friends are only meant to weather a season with you and not a lifetime. 

Edited by raedazzle
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  • 11 months later...
Guest hopelessdreamer15

It hurt worse when it was my own mother. I finally gained the courage to confess this horrendous experience and wanted so desperately for my mom to be on my side, to tell me it wasn't my fault and to help me through the shame. Instead, she told me I was lying. Why would your own brother do this to you? Are you sure he wasn't just playing and you're confused? Grow up Britt, I don't want to talk about this.

 

it hurts, it really does.

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My father doesn't believe me at all, he thinks that I looked to be raped,  my aunt and mother believed that I made this mess, and everything was my fault because I didn't listen to them.

First of all, I had my rights to trust him and my rights to make my own choices but it never ever my fault for him to raped me. That are his actions not mine. 

 

It does hurt when the entire family doesn't believe that I was raped because of his actions, they think I was raped because of my actions. 

 

Here what they says, 

"Move on, Let it go"

"You made this mess"

"You looked for it" 

"I thought you was already moved on because it happened while ago"

"You went to the police, wasn't the right choice" they said that after they told me to go the police

"Forgive him and let go of going to the police and court"

Edited by Seiko05
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  • 1 month later...
  • 4 months later...
Guest Rachel

Thank you for writing this post and all the responses. I believe each and every one of you. I wish you healing for your wounds.

I was taken advantage of sexually for years. I finally married and one day, and stupidly took the step to open up to my husband about just one of these incidents. After my first sentence he seemed to make up whatever else I was about to say, said that he'd had a 'night like that' with a girl and hoped that she didn't think of him 'like that'. He told me my experience 'didn't happen'. And then went on to tell his friends and family "Rachel reckons x y z happened to her." He never took the time to listen, find out anymore, how it happened, what happened, offer support... nothing.

Instead he started to do things to me that I specifically said that I did not want to happen. We went to therapy to get some help, I needed someone else to hear - and get him to stop. He came back from a single session with the therapist and told me that they'd "had a good laugh about it."

I never told him anything else about me like that ever again. The total betrayal of trust that I felt killed our marriage. We are now seperated. To this day I am still so hurt and gobsmacked.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Lea92

*T*

Thank you all for sharing your painful stories.  I am in tears reading them as I can relate to so much of this.   I too have felt the sting of revictimization when others do not believe what happened.  So much that It caused me to fall silent for years.  Initially after I stopped talking about it, stuffing down my voice and feelings turned into a bought with bulimia and issues with alcohol use.  After my feelings went more underground and became less acute, my silence turned into anxiety, depression and insomnia.  I still deal with the anxiety and insomnia to this day and I feel so much of it can be traced back to my rape.  

One minute I was at a party only having had a couple of beers in a busy room and suddenly woke in pain several hours later to a dark room with someone on top of me.  I lost consciousness again and awoke feeling so shocked, in severe pain, and so ashamed that I couldn't speak about it.   His roomate was there apparently and told everyone.  He also told everyone about his conquest.  The treatment when people heard was almost as bad as the rape. In a new school, a studious hard working virgin wanting to make her best impression was suddenly a "slut" within two days of arriving.  My humiliation and shame were not longer my secret battle but a piece of gossip and a public joke that haunted me each time I stepped out my door.  

"Girl gone wild, it's the freedom, it happens to many girls who were 'too good' in high school. "

"beginner drinker, can't handle your alcohol"

"You "f@#$ that loser? You are just regretting a bad decision because he is a complete loser"

"If you don't remember it how do you know it was rape"

"You are crying, that is ok, girls get emotional after their first time"

"You were drunk and unconscious, you should have known better getting yourself in that situation"

My rape happened several years ago and this is the first time I have felt comfortable talking about it. Thank you for helping me find my voice.  

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2 hours ago, Guest Lea92 said:

*T*

Thank you all for sharing your painful stories.  I am in tears reading them as I can relate to so much of this.   I too have felt the sting of revictimization when others do not believe what happened.  So much that It caused me to fall silent for years.  Initially after I stopped talking about it, stuffing down my voice and feelings turned into a bought with bulimia and issues with alcohol use.  After my feelings went more underground and became less acute, my silence turned into anxiety, depression and insomnia.  I still deal with the anxiety and insomnia to this day and I feel so much of it can be traced back to my rape.  

One minute I was at a party only having had a couple of beers in a busy room and suddenly woke in pain several hours later to a dark room with someone on top of me.  I lost consciousness again and awoke feeling so shocked, in severe pain, and so ashamed that I couldn't speak about it.   His roomate was there apparently and told everyone.  He also told everyone about his conquest.  The treatment when people heard was almost as bad as the rape. In a new school, a studious hard working virgin wanting to make her best impression was suddenly a "slut" within two days of arriving.  My humiliation and shame were not longer my secret battle but a piece of gossip and a public joke that haunted me each time I stepped out my door.  

"Girl gone wild, it's the freedom, it happens to many girls who were 'too good' in high school. "

"beginner drinker, can't handle your alcohol"

"You "f@#$ that loser? You are just regretting a bad decision because he is a complete loser"

"If you don't remember it how do you know it was rape"

"You are crying, that is ok, girls get emotional after their first time"

"You were drunk and unconscious, you should have known better getting yourself in that situation"

My rape happened several years ago and this is the first time I have felt comfortable talking about it. Thank you for helping me find my voice.  

I'm sorry for the hurt and the lies. 

May you continue to use your voice :metoyou:

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  • 1 month later...
On 29/01/2002 at 9:34 PM, Guest said:

why is it that so many of us who suffered through childhood abuse are victimized again? not just in the sense of not being believed (thankfully you were, Little Sunshine), but in the actual physical sense???  Since my brothers nad their friends i have fought off three would-be rapists.  Okay do i have some neon sign on my head???  grrrrrr

Kelly

That’s exactly what I call it - a flashing beacon and yes we have - it’s the  demeanour of one who has suffered violation – and those who wish to violate others can spot our demeanour from 500 yards . Now after RTT treatment I I don’t walk talk or act the way I did - Vik 1 vicious cycle 0

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  • 3 months later...

I'm hurt. I'm angry. This is going to be a really personal post, but I need support from people who understand if I can find some. 

I was raped once when I was 17 years old. I reported it 5 years later. I was raped again this past July, at age 24. The man who raped me was a friend's ex, we'll call him John. My friend, we'll call her Erin, brought over a boy, we'll say Jesse, (who was friends with her ex) to make out with him on her ex's couch. Jesse didn't know about John and Erin's previous relationship because they kept it secret since he was dating someone else while he was dating Erin. Erin brought Jesse over basically to taunt him. I was really drunk and wanted to go to bed. She manipulated me saying that she couldn't go to a boy's apartment at 2 am by herself but she brought me along to keep John away from Jesse and Erin so they could have alone time. It was obvious when we came in from a cigarette what Jesse and Erin had been doing. This made John very angry and he shoved me back into the bathroom as I was walking out... I'm not going to go into details but we'll leave it at that. 

The morning after, Erin and I decided that we were going to Universal- that was always the plan. Our dear friend had just committed suicide in February and Harry Potter world was his favorite place on earth. Naturally, we wanted to go. I woke up and told Erin what had happened. She got really wide-eyed and said "Omg we are never hanging out with him or the other pieces of trash ever again. Let's get out of here." I was in shock, and I talked to her about everything that happened. She started texting him about it and started to demand answers from him. He was really dodgy and claimed to have had an audio recording of the whole thing because "he knew this would come back on him". I was petrified. He said I was saying things that implied I was willing. I was embarrassed and Erin kept saying "this is borderline rape". I didn't want any of it to be true. I wanted it to just all go away. I was on vacation and I had just started dating someone new, I wasn't thinking clearly about what to do. Erin and I never got the answers I was asking for from John. But what I remembered was bad and I had cuts and maybe even a concussion from the parts I do remember. It was painful and I didn't have it in me to confront all of it. I just wanted to go to HP world and "visit" our friend there to try making myself feel better. Erin and I decided we'd never speak of this to anyone ever because it was so heavy and we didn't want to talk about it. Looking back, she was never a friend of mine. 

I had just started dating someone. Literally, the day before this occurred. He texted me and said "I consider you my girlfriend. I hope you consider me your boyfriend" and I did. I loved him and was so excited that I was officially his after months of longing for him. I didn't tell him about what had happened. I was scared, confused, and fearful of not being believed. He went through my phone one day (which I gave him the password to) while I was in the shower and saw my texts between Erin and me talking about it. He became infuriated and stormed out of the room. He had that look in his eyes, the same one John did when he attacked me. The sheer anger of betrayal. I don't know why I couldn't tell my new boyfriend, Andrew, the truth about everything at once. Parts of me felt guilty, parts of me felt ashamed that this had happened, lots of me were broken. But I trickled information to him about this bit by bit and every time I told him something, he became angry again. He felt as though I had cheated on him because "I didn't scream" or "why didn't you report this while you were down there? Why didn't you get a rape kit?" "This happened to you when you were 17. you're 24 now. Is this just going to happen to you every 5 years?" I understood his anger. Mostly because I was also angry about everything I failed to do in those moments and the days that followed as well. 

We bickered back and forth about this for the past 5 months. He grew obsessed with finding out what happened. I relived the trauma every day for 5 months and endured so much of his angry questions throughout the process. I understood that he was hurt that I hid it at first and lied about certain aspects of what happened. But, I was scared. Scared of losing him, scared of going through with all of this, scared of admitting I was raped a second time. Ultimately, he couldn't believe me. He's called me an array of names including a "drunk slut" and "cheating heartless fuck". I told him he surfaced all my fears about telling anyone about it. The worst part is not being believed. And now I'm sitting here, broken, alone, with a heartache full of suffering. 

I need support. Thanks for reading if someone sees this 

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10 minutes ago, Guest Emily said:

 I don't know why I couldn't tell my new boyfriend, Andrew, the truth about everything at once. Parts of me felt guilty, parts of me felt ashamed that this had happened, lots of me were broken. But I trickled information to him about this bit by bit and every time I told him something, he became angry again. He felt as though I had cheated on him because "I didn't scream" or "why didn't you report this while you were down there? Why didn't you get a rape kit?" "This happened to you when you were 17. you're 24 now. Is this just going to happen to you every 5 years?" I understood his anger. Mostly because I was also angry about everything I failed to do in those moments and the days that followed as well. 

We bickered back and forth about this for the past 5 months. He grew obsessed with finding out what happened. I relived the trauma every day for 5 months and endured so much of his angry questions throughout the process. I understood that he was hurt that I hid it at first and lied about certain aspects of what happened. But, I was scared. Scared of losing him, scared of going through with all of this, scared of admitting I was raped a second time. Ultimately, he couldn't believe me. He's called me an array of names including a "drunk slut" and "cheating heartless fuck". I told him he surfaced all my fears about telling anyone about it. The worst part is not being believed. And now I'm sitting here, broken, alone, with a heartache full of suffering. 

 

I read your post and i am sorry for what happened to you. Even reading your words cause me pain , seeing someone being tossed around and not being believed. No one, your abuser, your friend, your boyfriend were right on what they did. The man who raped you had to be put in jail , with or without a recording, if it was true and not a lie . Your friend.. uh, it reminds me of a close person of mine with a similar attitude. In my mind if i had a friend telling me something like that i would be there for her and would try in every way to get this bastard to police or help her in any possible way . Not choose the " easy " way by saying to forget what happened. Even if you wanted it.

As of your "boyfriend" i really have no words just from thinking he is one of the many out there who believe that a rape victim deserves what happened to them bcz they were drunk, didn't stopped it, never got to police etc. I heard similar things when i talked about my abuse to others.. and mind that my abuse occured when i was a small kid . So unworthy of your love and attention, so ... so fucking arrogant for drag you into this thing esp when it was your choice and not his . His words makes me feel angry bcz i know these men, i lived with them and realize they didn't cared of the victim but for them .. Everythng had to do with theirs needs and the way they used to percieve reality without thinking of a second of how traumatic rape is and what can do to someone's mentallity.

It's a shame. All of them they should be ashamed bcz they failed you. In every way.

I am really sorry again and sending - if you want - tons of support !!!

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1 hour ago, EvaRose said:

I read your post and i am sorry for what happened to you. Even reading your words cause me pain , seeing someone being tossed around and not being believed. No one, your abuser, your friend, your boyfriend were right on what they did. The man who raped you had to be put in jail , with or without a recording, if it was true and not a lie . Your friend.. uh, it reminds me of a close person of mine with a similar attitude. In my mind if i had a friend telling me something like that i would be there for her and would try in every way to get this bastard to police or help her in any possible way . Not choose the " easy " way by saying to forget what happened. Even if you wanted it.

As of your "boyfriend" i really have no words just from thinking he is one of the many out there who believe that a rape victim deserves what happened to them bcz they were drunk, didn't stopped it, never got to police etc. I heard similar things when i talked about my abuse to others.. and mind that my abuse occured when i was a small kid . So unworthy of your love and attention, so ... so fucking arrogant for drag you into this thing esp when it was your choice and not his . His words makes me feel angry bcz i know these men, i lived with them and realize they didn't cared of the victim but for them .. Everythng had to do with theirs needs and the way they used to percieve reality without thinking of a second of how traumatic rape is and what can do to someone's mentallity.

It's a shame. All of them they should be ashamed bcz they failed you. In every way.

I am really sorry again and sending - if you want - tons of support !!!

Thank you. With all of my heart, I thank you. It feels nice to be understood and to hear words I've been longing for since this whole thing started. 

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I believe you, and it's not your fault.  I am so sorry for what happened to you, it just was so wrong.  Sending lots of support and caring :metoyou:

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  • 3 years later...
Ludditesunited

Recently a neighbour made some creepy suggestions about me wearing a short skirt for him and showering with him out of the blue.  The comments made me really uncomfortable and as one would expect I told me he made me uncomfortable and to leave me alone. 

My neighbour went on a smear campaign.  Even though I was direct with him and told no one else at that point he went around telling anyone who would listen that I was lying.

He got another neighbour riled up about me to the point that they were yelling at me that I was a liar, and said they were going to get me fired from my job.  It was honestly stupid because I could just picture him slurring into my boss's ear that I am a liar, and my boss not giving a shit, or calling the police on the guy.

I eventually told my superintendent what was going on and shared some creepy facebook messages he sent me, and the superintendent shared it with the property management.

Eventually my other neighbour figured out he was full of shit and calmed down.

My creepy neighbour also made other similar gestures to another female neighbour and she told me  out of the blue one day  that she was having similar trouble with him.

The creep even went as far to apologize to us.  His apology went something like this:

"Sorry, but you're either a bad person, or a have been seriously abused to respond to me like that."

Essentially I'm a bad person for setting boundaries with him.

Predatory people lie about situations to suit themselves and play victim.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Ludditesunited
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