Jump to content

if i cant keep going it will both of us that lose


Guest Jon

Recommended Posts

This is my first time reaching out to anyone that might understand the level of despair I have got to. Not just because of the repeated feeling of failure I have of seemingly not being to support my wife through what can only be the most horrific of crimes, but also because after 10 years of the aftermath and my wife's inability to shake off the torture of the PTSD she is left with, I am at the point where I don't feel I can carry on!

I have never voiced my pain because somehow it feels like it should be irrelevant as it wasn't me it happened to, but the pain I feel still after all this time, the frustration and vitriolic ager I feel towards the coward that stole the women I love from me and left behind a shell of anxiety, fear, torment and pain, cannot be put into words.   BUT....... and I say this as a devoted husband that's given every once of my energy and soul to try and help my wife get back to where she wants to be........ the negatives of being together have long since outweighed the positives and I find myself asking if not being here at all would be easier all round.

What can I do when the person you love more than anything in the world is the same person preventing her from getting better? 

How could a man walk away when you know its not her fault

 When you know she didn't deserve it, and there is no way it can be done that will not make her worse?

 

If anyone can help. please do!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know exactly what happened to your wife, but I do know that in a marriage what happens to one of you to a very large extent happens to you both. So you both need healing. Therapy, if you are not already engaged in it sounds like it would be helpful. You no doubt need not only individual healing but relationship healing. Not because either of you have done anything wrong but because an event like you are alluding to can shift a relationship. I think looking at her healing as completely separate from yours can sometimes allow for it to seem you are no longer a team or aren't moving in the same direction or at the same pace, working on recovering together can help that. Doing so also gives space for your emotions and struggles to be addressed in the very real context of your life and your life with your wife. The way it was and the way it is. Because you are a man does not really mean that you are required to be a silent partner. Your thoughts and struggles shouldn't be assumed to be harmful to your wife. Knowing that you are struggling and missing your past connections and wanting desperately to restore a connection even if it is a new one may be welcomed by her. It seems to me that an emphasis on healthy connection and teamwork would help you both. EVEN if the connections are different than they used to be. Teamwork is impossible if you are not able to share where you are with everything. It is never too late to redress an imbalance, and it sounds like you have gotten stuck in the role of carrying too much of the relationship weight. No doubt all through good intentions. It is just as important as a survivor to look for ways to hear those who support us as it is for our supporters to look for ways to find their voice and share honestly with us. Wishing you all the best. I hope you can find a way to hang in there and improve things for you both. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Jon,

I hear the despair and helplessness you describe... feeling like you have failed to adequately support your wife in her dealing with the aftermath, and dealing with your own internal torture of yourself with the anger you feel.   In your words I  feel your desperation.   

I don't know exactly what you feel.   But I know the horrors and helpless feelings I have had from someone I love being hurt.  I know about waking up in the night with anger that has no place to go.

 

I wish I had done better with this in my life.   I kept it all inside.  I  have never talked about it to another soul - not about how it felt inside to me.  

Jon, I think Rymde is exactly right on in everything she wrote....   As a couple, what happened to one of you happened to both of you,  and most importantly, WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW, is happening to both of you. 

You and your wife can both benefit from an acceptance of that.  You both deserve, need,   and can benefit from support.  I encourage you to get support on your own - not the same therapist she has (if she has one).   Neither of you is ever going be the same as you were 10 years ago... that is nature of all things.  Some things may always be painful.  Some relationships survive trauma.   Some don't.    I strongly believe that it's  possible.  And in the end,  it is possible you will grow individually and / or as a couple in ways you will see as good.   You can do better then I did.   There are people and resources out there to help you succeed both for yourself and as a couple.

There is also lots written on the net.  Here are some links   https://www.google.com/search?q=how+to+support+a+woman+who+has+been+raped&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-b-1

 

Finally, but not least, I am concerned for you - about your level of desperation.  I do not know what might be different now, why it is hitting so very hard right now.  I hope though that you are able to do some things in the short term that are of some help... whatever works for you.  Some people find it helpful to speak with somehow on a crisis hotline.  Google Crisis hotline to find a list.

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Jon,

You can learn how to join here. Select "secondary supporter" as your group. You'll have access to the Healing Together forum and be able to read about other secondaries struggles - also receive the support you deserve. 

Take gentle care,

Susan

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...