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Afraid to post?


Guest tkb
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((((((((melissa, deadwhispers and sessha)))))))))

Like always, it is sad when someone needs this place, but it's one of the best places I've found to deal with such things.  I've got nothing but support and love from all the members here and I know you'll get the same.

Melissa, I think you have amazing strength to have even raised your daughter.  I don't think I could have ever done that (and I didn't) but I'm sure that she is a wonderful girl and deserves all the love you've given her.  And I'm sure you know that already.  :)  The one thing I'm not sure about is if it's a good idea to NOT tell her what happened.  It just seems to me that children are not taught early enough about assualt and abuse.  Perhaps though, you're right, that it's not a good idea to tell her that SHE came from such a situation but I do hope that you don't hide those situations from her.  Being sheltered is never good.  You are doing so well though, I know that losing your friend and trying to figure out the best way to handle this is wearing down on your endurance, but don't give up.  You love your daughter immensly, I can see that.  And she'll see that.  I wish you good luck and send lots of (((((((safe, comfort hugs))))))

((((((dead whispers))))))))

dealing with it in general is hard, anniversaries can be even harder.  you've made it a year though, and there are plenty of beautiful years to come.  It's okay to not be able to talk about it....though life is a little lighter load to carry once you do.  Good luck darling and welcome to pandy's.  :)

Sessha  (((((hugs))))  I hope you're finding it easier to post and to get to know us.  When I'm not drowning in work and school issues I'll be around more often to get to know you too.  :)

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  • 2 years later...
Precious_Angel

I think it's easier to chat than to post. Because when ur done in chat, the post is gone - but if u post it on the forum, u hafta see what u said all the time.

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  • 1 month later...

I think a lot of the fear to post comes from not knowing where or how to start, at least for me it does.

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  • 8 months later...
one silent feather

Posting can be a HUGE challenge sometimes for me

i don't want people to think i'm

crazy

a freak

stupid

lonely

etc

etc

etc

and sometimes my problems are such that i won't post under my name but i get a MOD to make my post for me when it's not safe for me to post but i'm desperate and afraid so they help me out

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  • 3 weeks later...

I've posted here a lot because frankly, I need to. But I still have this constant fear that my abusers (namely my birth family) will figure out how to find me here. They stalked me online earlier this year and told my ex they're going to come after me with lawyers after I confronted them and then disclosed the abuse to the rest of the family. So as always I'm feeling like I have to walk around with my head constantly over my shoulder, paranoid :(

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I have been scared stiff to post but trying to post more these days. I still run into thinking that people will think poorly of me..you know judge me and all or invalidate me. THat feels awful. Not to mention I odn't want to offend someone else or say the wrong thing to make anybody angry with me. And besides who am I anyway to offer any kind of advice or words of wisdom when I can't even find it for myself. I am having problems with posting but did post some things that were more intense and tried to write my story...but I had to stop...but today I wrote a little more and I am so afraid that others are just going to blame me for what happened and then that would only make what I feel be true...even my writings...my poetry I am struggling with sharing. I took some of them down as I got afraid of what others might think about me...it is the intimacy issue and then afraid that someone will steal them...I always being robbed feels li ke...but tonight i posted a few writings...because i know a couple survivors have said it was helpful. And i do want to help another. So many posts I still can't read...there are too many T * for me...but i am trying my best to reply to others. Sometimes I feel like my family or even the perps. would find out I was here. It's all crazy.

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  • 2 months later...

I read all six pages of previous posts...trying to discern why it's so hard for me to be here, but why I am drawn 2 or 3 times a day here....I've spent a life time trying to be strong...cause if I was stronger nothing would of happened...No one will hurt me again, because no one, no one will ever,ever, ever, get close to me. So for now, I mostly read...so much of what you my dear sisters and brothers are saying and experiecning articulates what I won't let my self say or feel...yet...sometimes I feel bad cause I can't say something supportive or just don't know what to say...and I don't want to ever hurt somebody, especially someone here who has already been hurt so cruelly. For now...is it okay just to read...-v

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  • 3 weeks later...

a reason why i have been afraid to post has also been because i am afraid that someone who was there the night that this happened to me, would recognize me. im not sure what they would do exactly. im just very very hesitant, and feel very scared to trust.

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Acosmiccastaway

Im afraid to post as well, it's scary to do it.. i have so many topics, and questions with those topics, i could post. and a need to reach out. but i feel my beliefes, and how i act and stuff, would be considered weird. what i like would be weird, what i do would be weird. and so on. i feel small.. and sometimes unnoticed on such large forum too.. i always attribute that to me being small, but i think it's for alot of reasons. im abit avoidant of things even online. (much more so offline). so it's hard to post here. i only do it in creativity mostly. but im slowly trying to say more.

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  • 2 years later...

Thank you for this thread! I just joined recently, and went into the introductions section. All of a sudden i clammed up and freaked out and just couldn't say anything about myself or anything I've experienced. Not even a simple hi to everyone. This thread makes me feel more at ease to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

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I think this thread is a great idea to, i'm really nervous abouting posting sometimes, it took me a while to post in the introductions section to but this is a little confidence boost or something like that i guess :)

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  • 8 years later...
Guest Momrapedtoo
On 29/08/2003 at 0:40 PM, Guest said:

Hi..My name is Melissa. I am a victim of rape and raising my daughter who was conceived from it. She is 8, turning 9 and has started asking about her dad. I have tried to dodge this for years, but can't any longer. I am not going to tell her right now about what happened. I am waiting until she is a bit older to explain it to her. I am one who will not lie to my daughter and feels she needs to know, for the fear she will find out from someone else. I have never ever brought up her father and she has made it in her mind that her father was mean to me, and she says she is different from all the other kids, because she doesn't know her dad and that he hates her. This is tearing me apart. I have dealt with the pain by myself for 9 years now. It is all coming back and making things very hard to deal with. I do not want to destroy her. She is so beautiful and I truly believe she was sent to me from God. She is such an angel, I look at her and think how can something so brutual make something so absolutely beautiful? She has a huge heart. I love her to pieces, I am sad to admit that I did sort of push her aside when she was first born. It took me over a year to fully bond with her. As she got older I realized she is just a baby and she did not ask to be brought into this world and she surely does not need to be hated or regreted. Since then I have watched the most beautiful smartes little girl develop. But now, it seems as this awful horrible ghost is coming back to haunt me. I thought about lying, mainly for my own sanity. But I can't do that. If that one day comes along that she were to find out what happened. I could never forgive myself for lying to her. I was raped by a life long friends new step-brother. I went into denial and almost gave my baby girl up for adoption, but knew that I could not live with that decision. So there is a slim chance that one day this all could come to light with her. Her father knows that she exists, through my friend, whom I do not speak to anymore. It caused terrible conflict in her family. My friend was there for me and by my side but his family had different ideas. To them it was my fault it happened. Things got so rough that it really was a problem and I walked away from my life long friend. I am not the best at handling issues. I usually just deny it or try to forget it ever happened. But now I am faced with trying to explain to my daughter she is not different. Anyone else raising a child in this situation? I am so scared, lost, and totally confused.

Melissa

Hi, my named is Marie, I have a 14 months old beautiful baby boy conceived in Rape as well, and every day, I am wondering what I will tell him the day he will ask. I do not want to lie to my son, and I do not want to hurt hi! Either when I will have to tell him the truth. I know this is a message from 2003, but I am wondering how it went with your daughter, and how and what you told her. I love my son with all my heart, and I just have no clue as what to say to him when the day will come . (even of it might be just in few years) I would really like to see you back on here and tell us how and what you did say. 

Really hoping to find so!e help on this, and also on the legal system,  as to know if my rapist could possibly claim rights over my son, here in Canada..  :/ or how I van make sure he never gets access to my son if he randomly decides to do so.  

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  • 3 months later...
Guest Lostgirl2009

 Honestly hun. You shouldn't be afraid. Think of it this  way .we are all here for the same reason. We all have so much of the same feelings .we may not be feeling them at the same time  but we r feeling them. Anger ,hurt,valued And fear .Some of us just  show it differently. It took me nine year to  tell my parents and take my abuser to court just for him to  set free cuz it was to late .My lawyer made it seem like I have as case and he got away with it  but once I stop  being angry stop fearing  and stop blaming  myself and other round me .ide made some peace  for myself .shortly after I made peace I got a tattoo to remind myself I made it threw this  and you can to but I have to do it no one else .take the first step  and stop fearing things u had no control over.

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  • 2 months later...

Yes, posting is excruciating for me too. It raises all kinds of uncomfortable body sensations, tension and panic primarily.

I tire easily and worry if I reach out to help someone, I may not be able to maintain feed back if they wanted it. 

I cannot escape the notion, that to write, would be a good outlet to understanding my own inner workings in a safe place. And I love the idea that another member may benefit from my words as I do theirs.

After reading others fears about posting I feel less alone with this, and so for others and my own sake I will do my best to learn how to voice my opinion freely with the  wish that I do not offend anyone at any time. In real life I often clam up because of the possibility things may result in a conflict.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest storm01

I’m so afraid to post and share what I feel but I think I need to get it off my chest as I haven’t been able to share this specific detail with my therapist 

 

hopefully someone will understand 

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Hi storm01,

I have felt fear about posting before too. It can leave you feeling very vulnerable and exposed. I try to remember that I am anonymous here and as safe as a person can be on the internet. I do find writing and sharing helps me feel less alone. You are of course welcome to share here, but you might feel safer waiting until you are on the more private parts of the forum.

Sending support. 

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  • 5 months later...
  • 1 month later...

No, I am just not sure if this site is current as most posts are before 2019. I will view the old post and I know that I am not alone now in the trauma I have experienced and accepting it was real and sexual abuse to start healing. 

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Hi,

Once you've completed the registration process you'll find numerous forums with more current posts. WE look forward to seeing you around the board.

:hug::hug::hug:

Peace to you,

Susan

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  • 2 weeks later...

I read a post and realized that the child being talked about is now a young adult.  I hope that she is strong and brave.  

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  • 4 weeks later...

I had an inappropriate encounter with a family member when I was 6 years old. I am 32 now and can say it has impacted tremendously on the development of my self-image, sexuality etc. 

My mother's aunt, and her husband, never had children. This aunt was my mother's godmother, and later also my godmother. My sister and I frequently visited them on weekends.

During a school holiday, my parents went away on a couple's getaway and we went to stay with my godmother. 

During this time, her husband one evening showed me pornography "by accident" on his computer (it was just at the birth of the internet and I was interested in computers). Next day...

I really don't know how it came to this point, but I somehow got to be alone in the master bedroom with her husband and laying on the bed, "playing". The door was also locked, I think I was instructed to lock it, details a bit fuzzy. 

The playing turned into rolling around, "wrestling", tickling, kissing with tongue etc. I think we were reenacting what happens in the Bold and Beautiful.  And he later told me to get his handkerchief from his pocket... It turned out to be his erect penis I was touching, although I didn't know it at the time. He was giggling the whole time. The event was interrupted when my godmother tried to come into the room and it was locked.

 

I didn't think anything of it, or of it as inappropriate, as it was the first encounter I had had with anything remotely sexual.

It only came to when I was about 13, and friends were starting to talk about kissing and boys etc, that it hit me square in between the eyes that what had occurred when I was 6 was sexual and was inappropriate. Since that realization, I blamed myself for what happened and felt so ashamed. I started hating my godmother and her husband. I refused to go to their house or talk on the phone etc. 

 

To this day, no one in my family knows that this has happened to me, and I feel too ashamed to tell my husband. I never told anyone, as I am afraid of being seen differently. I think if I had told my father, he would have seriously injured the husband; sometimes I wish I did tell him - he has passed away now.

I feel like the shame I lived with since 13, has had a real impact on the development of my self-esteem, confidence and ability to express myself sexually. I hate my body, and emotional eating and making myself unattractive has been an excuse to hate my body for a long time. But I think it is related to this incident. It has haunted me. I think about it from time to time and it makes me absolutely cringe deep in my soul. I feel ashamed of my 6-year old self for not knowing better, and for going along with that sick game. I blame myself for not knowing about what was inappropriate and what not. 

I know I need to do something to heal this wound. Telling myself it was not my fault does not help.

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  • 7 months later...
Guest Ayaa123

I guess I'm  over a decade too late. Is anyone still on here? I guess even the internet is a lonely place. How do you deal with being alone and thinking you'll be alone forever? How do you deal with not being able to interact with people because of your past traumas? How do you even hope  to get into a relationship, get married when no one will approach you? I stopped believing in love when I was a teen but that didn't mean that I didn't want it to exist. 

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