Is it rape if...?

[Jenny]

Repressedx100 I think repressed memories which come through in a fragmented form are very common. Memories can be repressed/dissociated for decades. In time they come to the surface for healing.

I hope you will find support in your area in time. A good therapist is also invaluable.

You might also want to join us as a member, and have access to the whole of the forum.

In care, Jenny

[Tara1]

On 10/7/2020 at 7:06 PM, Guest julia272 said:

What if you didn't know what you were consenting to? Can a child rape a child?

Yes they can. It happened to me too. And I doubt he was abused himself, he was just a spoiled and narcisistic kid who grow up being an abusive man. 

[Guest Marianneemac]

Hey, so I'm still not sure if what happened to me is rape, I do feel very scared and there are some parts I don't fully remember. So I was partying a couple of days ago and we got a little too much over the top, I was drinking and at some point we decided to go to sleep.

I had previously said yes to kissing a guy and hooking up but at that point I didn't want that anymore, but at some point we were kissing. There was this other guy who I was also kissing and he went by my side and he started kissing, I didn't say yes but I also didn't said no, I was petrified and really scared. I was also sleepy and sort of drunk.

I remember that one of the guys tried to masturbate me, the next day I didn't remember it but like three days after I did and it feel awful. 

Next morning kind of like a similar story happened with another friend, there was a point when I even put his hand in my boobs, I don't know why or if I even wanted to I was still tipsy and very hungover.

I am so scared of what happened to me, I don't know if it was rape or not, the fact that my memory eliminated those things it's quite terrifying because I don't know if it is normal or not and they were my friends, the people I trusted the most in my life.

And I don't wanna lose the other folks that had nothing to do, I feel like they are not capable of even looking at me without feeling guilty of letting it happen.

I have next Friday my first appointment with my therapist, it is quite terrifying honestly.

 

[Jenny]

Marianneemac, I hope you can share all this with your therapist, get support for these experiences. Not knowing what happened is scary.

Jenny 

[Guest Healing1.0]

On 7/4/2017 at 7:37 PM, Guest ANONYMOUS said:

I was in a situation recently where I got too drunk and an acquaintance walked me to my car and next thing I know we're in the back seat of my car. He asks if this is okay as he is taking my pants off. I was completely out of sorts and I think I said "OK" because I wasn't aware of what was happening. Next thing I know he's on top of me having sex. I went numb and had to take my mind somewhere else. At one point I hear him saying something about not having an STD so I think he took the condom off and had sex with me without a condom. My head kept banging into the door of my car and I said "Time out my head keeps hitting the door" he doesn't stop. Eventually he stops and has this delusion that I like him, even though I'm happily in a relationship for over a year. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if I just cheated on my boyfriend or what. The next day I felt something was wrong, I felt disgusting and dirty and I realized that what happened to me wasn't consensual. I still haven't told my boyfriend because I'm worried he is going to end things with me and blame me. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you explain to them what happened to you? 

Hi, I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I was coerced, manipulated, blackmailed and threatened by a coworker while being married. Because of my lack of sexual violence knowledge I presumed it was all something that was my fault despite all of my disassociations. Its hard to describe a situation  to someone when you don't remember the physical part because your brain has checked out. I eventually told my husband about everything and it absolutely wasn't easy. His thoughts were natural but hurtful, and at times still are. He asked if I wanted to be sexually adventurous or if he hadn't given me enough in our marriage, none of it applies because they were never consensual. I had several prior sexual assaults' done to me since the age of 12 and it unfortunately has caused me to believe that it was something I deserved or what I was good for. I didn't know coercion was a thing, I didn't understand manipulation and I most certainly didn't want to believe I was a victim of sexual violence but this is my path to healing. Please reach out if you need to talk. I know I do more times than not since I have gone 22 years before telling a soul. 

[Guest Time to face it]

I am in my 50's and have mentioned only to my husband before we were married that my first sexual experience might have been date rape. Through a recent Emotional Intelligence coaching series I began to uncover a problematic avoidance coping mechanism that I'm beginning to think may be because of what happened to me. I dropped out of the coaching and have been battling sadness and depression. In trying to understand all this better I started trying to research this, found this site and this thread. Thank you for giving me this forum to start with sharing my experience.   I didn't date in high school and from a religious family so was pretty unaware regarding sex. I had a number of situations where guys were sexually aggressive towards me but I was somehow able to avoid the advances so it didn't end in access to my body. Those experiences were unsettling and I don't think I really learned how to say no. Then as a freshman in college, a senior in my ROTC program offered to help me with one of my classes. I went to his dorm and after some studying he started to come on to me, asking me intimate questions that made me uncomfortable. I don't know why I didn't just leave at that point but I somehow felt like I should be able to trust him since he was in the same program and that maybe I was being overly paranoid. He then physically moved into my space and started giving me a backrub. I didn't know what to do and was scared that things were going too far. (I can't tell you how much I can't stand typing that. It makes me feel so weak and powerless. I want to be the person who verbalized "no" or at least pushed this person away or walked out of the room at that point - but I didn't). He asked me if I liked backrubs (which I actually normally do) so I said yes. He told me to lay on his bed and he'd give me a great backrub. (The details get foggy for me here and I realize now in reading things on this site that I've probably blocked them to protect myself from the memory but I'll do my best because I think it's good that I deal with this.) He guided me to his bed and had me lay face down. He got on top of me, straddling me with his legs and started using all his weight to give a deep tissue type massage. He said it's better on bare skin and pulled my shirt up, saying it's okay, I can stay face down. I didn't know how to stop him taking my shirt off and undoing my bra strap. And then his hands started wandering but instead of saying no or get off I just pulled my elbows in to try and block access to my chest but then he physically rolled me over. I think he asked me if I'd ever had sex and I'm not sure I even spoke but indicated I hadn't. He told me that it actually feels really good and he can show me. That is the most I can remember (or can allow myself to remember) but I think at some point right before actual penetration he told me I have to say I wanted it and to just nod my head. (That's what has always always haunted me and made me doubt myself, thinking this was my own doing, that somehow I must have wanted it since I didn't figure out a way to stop him or say no.) I remember the pain and then being in the bathroom with blood everywhere, frightened, ashamed, alone. I don't remember getting my clothes on, I don't remember saying anything to him, I don't remember getting back to my dorm. I didn't want to be a weak person that this happened to so I buried it deep, telling absolutely no one.  I pretended it didn't happen, that I was still a virgin. I don't remember ever seeing him again. That summer, a leader in the program at an ROTC summer camp had me go with him to an abandoned bunker. He was a superior so I was required to do as he said and I found myself frozen again when he started groping me. He put his hand down my pants and I did at least try to push away but he said that I was wet so that meant my body wanted it. Again, I failed to stop him. I think he knew what he did was wrong and didn't try to do it again. He followed up with me after we all returned to campus. I wanted to hurt him somehow so I told him that my period was late to try and freak him out about me possibly being pregnant because of what he did. Again, I told no one that this happened and continued to pretend I was a virgin. I then found myself being courted by one of the professors in the program. He was a young divorced lieutenant who took a liking to me. He was attractive, smart and perhaps I felt he could protect me. We started dating and eventually he asked me to sleep over. I lied and told him I was a virgin. I consented to the sex but he never used protection and I got pregnant. He asked me if I wanted to keep it. Though against my faith, I aborted the baby. I knew that for him to ask me that meant he didn't want it, I would have to have the child out of wedlock and that we would never marry, especially given the deception I'd given about my virginity but we continued dating even when he shortly thereafter took a transfer to So Cal. It allowed me to be in a relationship that was a shield against others advances. Eventually I came to terms with my situation, broke it off and then became hypersexual (I understand now that was most likely my attempt to take control of my sexuality but while it gave me power, it also brought more shame). I met my husband through mutual friends and realized for the first time what a healthy relationship was like.  I was honest with him about my prior sexual history and for most of my life he was the only one I mentioned that I thought I might have been date raped. I've never shared the details I've only now shared here. A few years into our marriage his sister was raped and murdered. They caught the man by the handprints he left on the sheets with the blood of her virginity. He strangled her to death with her t-shirt around her neck and over her face.   I realize now that this solidified my thinking that what happened to me wasn't worthy of being called rape, that what happened to her was actually what rape is and that because I didn't try to stop what happened to me I don't deserve to say what happened was wrong so I buried it deeper. About a little over a year ago I finally confessed to a priest about my abortion and felt a huge weight lifted when I received compassion and understanding not the shame I had been self inflicting all my life. During COVID my husband and I have had to both work from home and it's the most non-stop time we've ever had together in our fixer-upper house. He got laid off but working on a start up idea so has a lot more time and he started taking over projects, shopping and errands. I became repressed, sad and depressed.  We decided to get a marriage counselor to help us. When she asked about backgrounds I shared about my abortion but not what I now realize was probably a legitimate rape I experienced. As she has dug into our communication and responses to each other, I realize that I consistently cope by freezing and self-blaming. I am coming to realize that I learned this and perfected it as a result of the early trauma I experienced. Thank you so much to all the brave souls who shared their doubts and stories here. I feel like maybe I can start to unpack all this. Lots of work to do but just writing this all down was a huge first step. I'm thinking you may confirm my thinking this might have been raped but would appreciate any thoughts/feedback. Thank you. 

[Jenny]

Timetofaceit, that is a heartbreaking chain of assaults. A nod of the head through coercion does not constitute consent. You were a vulnerable young student, who was taken advantage of. There’s nothing weak in that - he preyed on you. Rape is not always violent.

I’m glad you received compassion from the priest. Glad, too, that you met your husband. 

I hope you will join us as a full member, and gain access to the full forum and receive more support. 

In care,

Jenny

[FloweringRose]

That was definitely rape TimeToFaceIt. We believe you and send you support. 

[Guest Guest 1818]

This is my first time posting on this--not sure I am doing it right.  I really appreciate this post though as I struggled with shame and self-blame for years about my rape.  I "came to" in a rideshare car, with vomit on myself and my pants down.  I can't remember what happened, but I knew I was raped by the driver--at the time I thought I recalled him being on top of me but I don't remember that now.  But I got out of the car and managed to get to the police station.  I had a horrible, horrible experience with the police there though and the SVU detective insinuated that first I was lying and nothing had happened to me (and then when the DNA kit came back and found semen inside of me she finally agreed that something did happen) but then she insinuated that I might have done something to make him (the rapist) think I consented.  I've struggled for so long--with shame, and even hating myself for reporting it.  I spiraled into a state of paranoia and anxiety trying to quash any further inquiry or discussion about it because I thought maybe I had done something that I can't remember that might have suggested to the driver that it was okay?  That I wanted it?  I have no memory of the rape--what if I muttered the words "yes"? It's been five years since my assault.  I am only now coming around to see that there is nothing I could have said that would make that incident my fault.  I was violated, and only the rapist is to blame.  I think this post is so important for many of us to hear and feel validated.  I appreciate that consent can sometimes be a difficult issue but I think there is a problematic and harmful way in which it is unfairly weaponized against women who experience what they know to be a violation and can lead to much more trauma.  

[Jenny]

Indeed only the rapist is to blame, and I'm so sorry you weren't immediately believed by the police. 

If you want to join us as a member, it will open up the rest of Pandys forums to you for more support.

In care,

Jenny

[Hope]

2 hours ago, Guest Guest 1818 said:

I am only now coming around to see that there is nothing I could have said that would make that incident my fault.  I was violated, and only the rapist is to blame. 

Yes, this is so important to remember and a very difficult conclusion for so many survivors to get to.  I'm so sorry for everything you went through. 

[Seemai]

I am pregnant now everyday my brother fuckes me

[mbholly]

Sending support, Seemai. I hope you can get some help. Living with such regular abuse is absolutely horrible.  I am guessing you live in the same household as your brother? Do you have a family member or friend who could help you get out of this situation? You do not deserve this abuse in any way.  Please consider calling a rape crisis center or looking for other resources in your community. If you are a student, you might talk to a school counselor? Deciding whether or not to report abuse is often very difficult, but it can lead to getting help.

Thinking of you,

Mary Beth

[Guest Almost20years]

On 7/6/2020 at 10:33 AM, Guest bluebutterfly said:

i’m personally a bit confused with my own understanding between rape and sexual assault. i was drunk and drifting off to sleep, but i was still conscious. i was laying on my stomach and shut down and didn’t say no or tell him to stop or anything like that, but i didn’t want it and i didn’t say yes. 

right now it’s just really difficult to try and find the words to explain why i couldn’t speak, or do anything. it happened with an ex boyfriend and things are rocky with my current boyfriend now since i had told him about it. my ex even texted my boyfriend saying i had sex with him, but when my ex texted me saying that same thing i told him i didn’t want it but i shut down and couldn’t say anything. 

this just happened a couple days ago so everything’s still pretty fresh, i made an appointment to meet with a therapist but that’s not for another 22 days so i guess i’m just trying to talk about it and try and figure out where i go from here, since the appointment seems like forever away

When I was 12, I was physically exhausted, and my mom's best friend had started touching me in the car on the way home when I fell asleep, - I moved away like it bothered me while pretending to stay asleep, n he stopped temporarily, then he started again. I was terrified. I feigned sleep til home. My bro was pissed at me, not exactly my buddy but I couldn't go to him, called a friend but freaked when they asked if i wanted them to tell an adult, then tried to stay awake as long as I could. I couldn't think straight, I was too tired, n so i didn't hide in my bros closet or my parents room... When he came for me I woke up to him taking off my panties... I couldn't move cuz I was tired, but - I was also completely terrified. For most of my life I thought that meant it was my fault for not saying no. When I learned about assault they only ever said "fight or flight." I did neither, so what was wrong with me? 

It wasn't til I was 30 n had 3 more date rapes happen and went into a PTSD program that they said, "fight, flight OR FREEZE." Freeze. A perfectly legitimate survival response! And - Your amygdala hijacks your brain and you don't even get to choose!!! It chooses for you! 

12 to 30. It took that long for someone to tell me they'd updated the information. Not to mention I have no way of knowing if I had gone into fight or flight if I would have been in much more danger. He couldn't have allowed anyone to know what he was doing to me, so if I had responded any other way, what would've happened to silence me? My instincts were probably dead on and saved me from much worse. Possibly saved my life...

Yet all those years I never heard that FREEZE is a perfectly acceptable fight or flight response too, well? Any time similar circumstances arose - I froze then too... It just became my response. Like, permanently. What if I had learned sooner? ... it's possible that it all would be the same, but it's not a known. That bothers me still. But, at least now I know. 

Don't hurt yourself if you freeze, the younger or smaller you are, or the more dangerous your subconscious mind recognizes that the person is? It was probably your best chance, and it doesn't mean you chose it, neither does any bodily response. And, if you go to another place in your head or you're far away like - anything might come out of your mouth at that point because your mind is trying to come up with a persona that this person will let live, not damage too much. Maybe they want to hear you like it, or some other b.s... You're not the one in control anymore. You're time was over as soon as the fear and knowledge set in. Before, during, after? You know when it's all consuming and hurtful n it fills your head. That's rape. You don't have to report or press charges, or even tell... But one thing you do need is to speak. And be heard. At the very least in a place like this, no name no fallout just honest feedback. You never deserve to feel that, even when you have a committee in your head saying you're bad and giving you 100 reasons you do. That's a side effect of the animal brain trying to protect you. It's stupid. It can only speak emotions, but your mind will endlessly try to explain the emotions away so you can live. Sometimes it gets everything wrong, n I'm so sorry they don't teach emotion regulation in kindergarten, cuz they could - it's that easy. But four some reason people have spent centuries passing down info that makes us react to our emotions 100% wrong! 

Please pass it on, anyone who reads this - It's "fight, flight or freeze," and freeze is common and often the most safe response. Even so you need to remember that once that system goes off? You no longer have an actual mental choice - it chooses for you. Please. For me. For the almost 20 years I believed the wrong thing... Pass this on. It's the missing link of why it feels like you didn't "do" anything, but that it's definately still rape, because if it wasn't, there would be no need for the emergency system to activate!

[Guest Almost20years]

13 minutes ago, Guest Almost20years said:

You don't have to report or press charges, or even tell... But one thing you do need is to speak.

And about this - at 16 I went to mental health, and the gal lied n said she wouldn't have to tell. I showed up at my next appointment and was confronted by her with 2 sheriff officers, she was a mandated reporter, I didn't know what that was. But, as it turned out, they couldn't tell my family or anybody by state law unless I said ok because I would have had to press charges. Then they told me that I could report it, and even though it would only be on record, if it happened to anyone else who reported his name, then my report would be there. So I did do that. It was a long while back and different counties didn't communicate, but now they can. The laws differ by state, but you can always find out if you can go this route... Sometimes the victim abuse is just too much to tolerate when you're already so messed up, or it's a bad situation. People get really mad at you sometimes when you say you didn't fight it or try to get the person in trouble, but they don't know personally how each circumstance is. So it's an alternative. I'm sure there's more ways to help stop them (in a TV show I was just watching to girls were gonna go see the guy at the big dance, dump Nair on his head n kick him in the nuts in front of everyone... Hey, whatever works...), but also when you're underage but close to an age of consent especially, all kinds of things happen and all kinds of authorities get involved and put everybody through hell, and if living is hell already, I understand if you just can't. It's ok. Take care of yourself and just survive.

That's sometimes the hardest part, and unless you're talking directly about it, that feeling that makes you wanna die, we tend to just leave it out. But it causes those "I don't want to live feelings," whether they're not your bag n you can blow them off, or not. Find safe support. Whatever you can until you know you can handle more, like this wonderful site, - or - until that one feeling gets too big, then go right to a doctor or ER. It will be ok even though it won't seem like it.

We survive too much, much more than we would wish on others, and that's just the truth. If you ever feel like you have to n it's like, decided in your mind so close that you go to that place of calm, know this: that place is the real end place, the ones Buddhists strive to attain, unattachment from life which equals no suffering - you don't hafta complete the act after that, just stay in that state as long as you can, you'll understand many things and see so clearly...

Also, I hafta add the remark I tell my friends or myself, and that is the fact that God can have a sick sense of humor, n you might try to end you n mess it all up, - most people do! And then you could just end up living a long life, maimed n drooling. Not worth it. A doctor, a mental ward bed and checking out awhile mentally probably a better plan. Just sayin.

Sorry if any of this last part offends, but I hafta write anything that helped me. We all are the real support for each other. That's the full truth.

[Guest bluemermaid]

I dont fully remember what happened. 

I know I was not acting like me that whole night, I blame myself for every wrong choice I took. 

My boyfriend is just as broken as I am and I can't deal with any of it. Help.

[Hope]

I'm so sorry for what happened to you, bluemermaid. I don't have full memory of my trauma either. You don't have any blame for choices you took. You should be safe no matter how you were acting. The blame is on your assailant. Not you. I'd encourage you to join pandy's for more support from other survivors, if that would be helpful to you. It has helped me a great deal.  

Take gentle care. 

[Guest Shelly]

I was wondering if anyone else struggles with doubting themselves? I was sexually abused when I was 6-7. All my life I’ve felt like I can’t talk about it because I’m not 100% sure it happened. But I have had flashbacks my whole life. I convinced myself that I was messed up for making those things up in my head. But I’m starting to realize it really did happen. I know deep down it happened. But I can’t fully let myself believe it still. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone because I feel crazy. 

[Jenny]

Shelly, I think many of us here struggle with being unsure of whether csa happened, yet having flashbacks of what happened. You are certainly not alone - and if you join as a full member you will realise that for yourself. You - and these flashbacks and doubts - are not crazy whatsoever.

In care,

Jenny 

[Shadowsong]

1 hour ago, Guest Shelly said:

I was wondering if anyone else struggles with doubting themselves? I was sexually abused when I was 6-7. All my life I’ve felt like I can’t talk about it because I’m not 100% sure it happened. But I have had flashbacks my whole life. I convinced myself that I was messed up for making those things up in my head. But I’m starting to realize it really did happen. I know deep down it happened. But I can’t fully let myself believe it still. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone because I feel crazy. 

This is a very common response from people whose abuse happened when they were very young. Traumatic memory doesn't work like regular memory. I have trauma as an adult that I have always remembered that still comes back in pieces and flashes--just like what happened to me as a child. 

You are not alone and we believe you. 

[Guest Guestdevilwingnight]

TRIGGER WARNING SEXUAL ASSAULT AND LOSS OF CHILD!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Growing up I had a lot of sexual abuse and assault encounters . The earliest I can remember was being 4 . But that isn’t the one that really has been taunting me and causing my horrific nightmares and melt downs lately . When I was freshly 18 , about to graduate high school I worked for a large fast food company. During my time at said company I made lots of “friends” out of the coworkers I had and had interest in dating two of the men there . One of the guys I was intrigued by ( let’s call him devil wings in the name of keeping his name anon .) devil wings always flirted with me in a subtle nonchalant way , he was 29 and obviously older than me by 11 years almost 12 but his personality and swagger and confidence really drew little 18 year old me in ( I’m about to be 21 now ) . But me and devil wings flirted back and forth for months creating moments I thought were special at the time but we also created a friendship ( or so I thought at the time ) one night devil wings calls me , and he is crying hysterically saying his roommate was touching him inappropriately and saying he was refusing her sex so she was beating on him . I have a great deal of empathy and as his friend I wanted to help ( especially bc at this point I had given up on the idea of me and him ever being a couple just a flirt here or there ) I invited him over , I had to wait till it was late because he wouldn’t be allowed over while my mom was awake or step dad so I told him 1 am of 2 would be good and we could talk about his assault and I could give him advice a hot meal and watch some cartoons to help him feel better . Once he got there he didn’t really seem all that upset anymore but I wanted to ensure he wasn’t so I proceeded to try and talk to him about it but he didn’t seem interested in having that conversation anymore . He was looking at me with eyes that seems like a snicker and sexual . So I tried to change the subject up by showing him stuff around my room that I decorated or made in school that I thought was cool . I first showed him a scrapbook I was currently making for my end of year English project , I than proceeded to get up ( from sitting at the edge of me bed he was on the other edge on the other side )because I wanted to show him a picture of my bestfriend a picture we had taken at chucky cheeses . When I turned to explain the picture to him he grabbed me by the hair and kissed me and I pushed him off and said that I didn’t want to kiss him or touch him in that way , that the only reason he was in my home was to cheer up and watch a movie and eat a meal . He said okay and was smirking and looking at me with that devil face of his . I forgave him for grabbing me so hard and forcing me to kiss him so I went back to the bed and put on black panther . While we were watching black panther he kept trying to touch me inappropriately and kiss me . I kept telling him no and that I didn’t want to . He kept joking around and saying it was fine and that he was doing this because he realized his “feelings for me “ but I still repeated and kept saying no . For a good 20 minutes he stopped trying to touch me sexually so I figured he had gotten the memo and decided to stop and listen to my words that I was saying that I wasn’t consenting to any of the sexual behavior he was trying to inflict on me . Around the time where the first big fight happens in black panther where he gets his powers into the flower devil wings grabs me and pins me down onto my bed . He started to aggressively kiss and bite me anywhere he can get a hold on . I yell at him multiple times to stop and I say no multiple times but he kept begging and telling me yes and that I had to and to not be a tease and if I didn’t let it go farther he would force me and tell everyone at work he did anyway . He grabbed me and proceeded to choke me and pull my hair . At this point I couldn’t barely breathe . I gave up trying to get him off of me . Like I said before growing up I’ve had alot of sexual assault occurrences where I learned that after so much of fighting it’s better for me to give in so I don’t get severally hurt like I did in the past situations. He proceeded to rape me . He help me by my throat into shoved me into the bed and did his way with me . Whispering to me how much he was “loving me “ and how much “he was wanted to be with me “ and if I told anyone he would kill me or hurt my badly . He threw me around like I was a doll and I guess it made him angry enough that I wasn’t making any noise so he than started to get angry and told me if I didn’t start to enjoy it he would make sure it would hurt worse . So I pretended . He told him he had a condom on at least ( which is another reason I was trying to fight him off of me in the beginning) as he finished doing what he pleased I realized and he started laughing saying it fell off inside me . He than forced me to go to the supermarket with him . He store a morning after pill and bought another and told me if I didn’t take them if I were to end up pregnant he would beat it out of me . So I took them . On the way to the super market though he kept saying he loved me and that I liked it and that he promised he would be with me and he would be my boyfriend if I kept my mouth shut and if I didn’t he would beat me or tell my coworkers false bad things about me . He told me to start to make myself view it as if I wanted it or else . Two weeks later I went on a girls trip for my last spring break trip as a senior . At the end of my trip I had extremely bad pain and a huge lump some came out of me and I thought nothing of it , just a hurting heavy period from the two contraceptives he forced me to take . When I got home I scheduled an appointment with my obgyn to see why it was so painful this time round for my period . She proceeded to do a pelvic exam blood work and a ultrasound. She told me it wasn’t a period after all and I miscarried a child ( his child because he was my only sexual encounter that had unsafe sex for a long time ) . I grew depressed . I had to make an appointment to get any remaining bits of my baby removed or how my obgyn said ( scraped out of me ) I’m so scarred by this . I don’t understand why this time is affecting me more mentally than all the others . I e been sexually assault multiple times in the past . Maybe it’s because I have fertility issues and I lost my chance of having a child , maybe it’s because when I tried to open up and tel people no one believed me or seemed to care . Maybe it’s because after he did this to me I had to proceed to have him in my life for a year or more with him still threatening me and making me sound crazy. I told some of the people who were I thought were my closest friends and they told me it was my fault because I had him over so late at night , that I “teased him” that I was lying and making things up . Please help explain things to me . It’s getting harder and harder whenever no one ever believes me or supports me through this . Although this was two years ago it still affects me badly and devil wings is still involved in the life that surrounds me . I don’t know what to do anymore .

[Jenny]

Devilwingnight, I am sorry for all the abuse which happened to you, but especially this one which has affected you so deeply. 
I hope you will join us as a member, and receive more support in the member only areas.

In care

Jenny

[Guest Guest]

 Is it kinda rape if he penetrates through your shorts with…his erection after thrusting through them and forces your body to react many times while you’re frozen lifeless and then…ugh finishes to the forced reactions? What if he’s kinda…doing the thrusting hard even though it’s on a different private part what if it hurts and he’s being aggressive and leaning on that part completely…And he’s being very rough with the thrusting and …rubbing a different part of your vagina…while getting on top of you… (I froze in shock and fear when he got on me suddenly felt crushed and went into tonic immobility as soon as the thrusting started and I couldn’t move n just dissociated mentally n emotionally…). He knew I didn’t have any experience…

[Guest Guest]

Idk I was told in many states it is but because it was through clothes…even though that’s still a body part….he still purposely went through my shorts to put it on that part…I can’t call it that. If I say assault though people usually just assume it couldn’t have been aggressive n maybe he meant it romantically n it’s very insulting. It was still aggressive even violent n I was terrified for my life and disgusted. If I say assault not that it matters it’s all relevant n traumatizing we all deserve to heal n be heard, but then people assume what happened n it happened 100 times worse than they think…

[Guest Guest]

  Tbh…it was physically abusive. I was in a sexually abusive relationship. It only happened once but it was terrifying. It was humiliating and painful so much that I left my body. That’s why I don’t like calling it that. Nothing sexual about it. At least…that did not at all seem to be just what it was about based on how it happened… it was like he was getting as close he could to yeah…raping me. He just thrusted (roughly…) on a different part n leaned on a different part getting on me n hurt me in a different way n TOOK BREAKS n looked for where to…do it again so I felt it…until he was done.